I Don't Recognize Myself

 I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought "that'll do". Every morning is a battle to put on make-up to fruitlessly disguise my disgusting visage. Sometime I get all the way to the damn mascara and I start crying. Interacting with others is a trying ordeal because I don't want people to know me as this. I'm not a friendly person this way. Every person I come across with a beautiful face infuriates me with jealousy. The worst is when you are with friends or watching a funny movie, distracted...and then you remember. It's hideous and cruel. Every night when I get ready for bed I have a panic attack. All I am capable of seeing is my scarred and disfigured skin. I look at myself, and despite what others tell me I know this will never go away. I think through everything I've tired, topical retinoids, antibiotics, The Pill,....Acutane is next. What if that doesn't work? If that doesn't work I don't know what i'll do. I'm a perfectionist and this is unacceptable. I am depressed and preoccupied every second of every day with the discomfort and physical and emotional pain of acne. I need help. I need a miracle.  

 

Rancorous Rancorous
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I know what you mean I started breaking out since I was about 12 years old now I am 22 & it's hard let me tell u that.<br />
I would never wanna go out during the day cuz I would feel like my skin looked worse, it got a little Better then worse and I'm not saying I had like 2 or 4 pimples I had it everywhere on my chin my forehead my cheeks I also had the big ones the cyst it was Digusting I didn't even want anyone at my house to see my face. I always asked why me? Why do I have to be the one who has bad acne. Yeah I know it has to do with genetics as well. Dont even get me started on make up yea it can hide the redness but the bumps are still there and sometimes it looks worse with make up on. Today my skin has improved like a lot!! That's because I kept looking online at reviews and products I could try and use and the product I use now isn't a cure but it has made my skin 10X better. I went on to the acne.org website and I learned so much about acne and causes and what it is, they have a lot of reviews on different types of acne products and I know everyone is different but they do have a line called the Regimen. At first I didn't think it would work and believe me I read all the side affects about ur skin drying out ALOT and the redness but I stuck threw it and after about 5-6 months yeah that long my skin finally got better. And yea I have to apply 2 a day morning and night and wait for it to dry then put on the next step but ill glady do it if it means my face won't break out like crazy! <br />
So at the end like I said there's no cure and I know if I stop using the products I will have all my acne back :/ but like I once said I'd do anything to just have a day where I can wake up and walk out the door with out any make up that would be my biggest wish out of anything I can have in this world. Goodluck I hope you can find something that works for you don't give up just when u think there's no hope, i don't think I'm that beautiful even when people say "your pretty" but even if my face isn't a clear complexion I learned I don't have to think I'm beautiful if I feel beautiful and I do everyone should, keep your head up! :)

i have the exact problem.<br />
<br />
I am currently absolutely OBSESSED with my skin, i want to finally go to school with not one blemish on my face.<br />
in fact i don't want to go to school or be seen by people until i accomplish this goal.<br />
I hate looking into peoples eyes because my small acne bothers me.<br />
i hate it,<br />
i can't even turn the lights on in the bathroom because i'm gonna start crying and spazzing everywhere, having panic attacks.<br />
yesterday i looked in the mirror and had a nervous breakdown and cryed for hours.<br />
i want it gone :(

I was the same as you and I used accutane and my life completely turned around. I used tretiva(brand cheap) only 30 mg a day.,considered "low dose" and safer).by week 5 my skin started to change and each week thereafter it only got BETTER and better what a HIGH!!!! <br />
acne was RUNNING my life until tretiva.<br />
and I started it at age 33! of course I wish I started sooner..I had no idea anything COULD work!<br />
youre much younger..dont let another wasted year go by!<br />
crazy thing.. I got engaged and married and moved etc etc all in the past 3 years AFTER starting the accutane! <br />
dont think "oh maybe hers wasnt that bad" OMG!!!<br />
I never had ONE clear day from age 14-33!!!! and im talking huge zits and cysts and also the tears by the time the mascara came I hated and loathed myself!!! everyday was that "makeup battle"<br />
even after you apply it you think about it all day every minute...if it should wipe off or something... a constant psychological WARFARE!!!!! that im free of!<br />
I cant believe it! sure I worried about liver damage and stuff...not gonna lie ,my digestion was off..but also I was BAD.. I was eating whatever I wanted and even drinking alcohol....<br />
ended up with acid reflex or something which is completely gone now:)<br />
I only took the 30 mg.. once a day for about 7 months back in 2007-2008..... and still today im fine:) Ihave a NEW skin!