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So Alone

As I lay here wondering how my life went from perfect ( for me) to this! How did I go from an able bodied mom and wife? I worked, cleaned and had dinner on the table when my husband got home. I was there for my kids. I have to say I have no doubt in my mind if I was a good mom or not. I was an awesome mom. 
Now I lay here and I can't beg anybody to be around me. All I want is my family to be with me and want to be around me. 
I realize now, at the beginning of my illness I pushed everybody away. I did not want to bring them down with me. I told them to go do other things because why would it be fair for them not to. They must resume life as normally as possible was my thinking. 
Man do I regret that! I beg my husband all the time to just spend one whole day with me. If its a bad day, just cuddle in bed with me. If it a good day, I will do what ever you want. My daughter has a valentines day party to go to. I asked her if I could do her hair and make up. She said no mom I can do it. 
What they don't realize, and I have created is that I want to!! They think they are doing me a favor by saying no because they know I'm sick. But I want to do all of those things. 
I can add that I am often very grumpy and I'm sure that says the opposite of what I want. Right now in my illness instead if pushing them away. I am begging for their attention. I always put this tuff persona on. Well I'm not! I need and want my family. My mom is the only person that pushes thru my attitude, and facade. She dealt with all my ups my downs and never left my side. 
I thought I didn't want anybody to be brought down by me but now I realize I wish either I hadn't pushed everybody away, or they all would have been like my mom. 
I just want my family. I honestly don't know how long I will live. It could be another 50 years or a lot less. I have no clue. I just can't seem to undo the damage I have done. I beg and beg. I can't even be mad at them because I'm the one that started it. I created the very environment I despise now. 
Kaiireland Kaiireland 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 10, 2013

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Thanks for the thank you!! This is such a hard time in my life and its a hard pill to swallow when you realize you created your own loneliness :(