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Do You Think I'm Add Or Adhd? Or Is It In My Head?

Where to start, well ..I'm seeing a psychiatrist tommorow and I'm really nervous and have been thinking about it all day. I'm worried that he's gonna think I rehearsed this lol...which it's all true so I don't know why I care. I have been different from the start. I used to daydream as a child so intently that one time I was locked outside at daycare because I was laying behind the sandbox eating sand. lol. I would get so caught up in a book that teachers would have to call my name several times and move closer just to get my attention. I was really good at reading as it was something I enjoyed. I didnt have alot of friends, I was extremely shy and awkward is the only way to describe it. My parents divorced when I was 7, but I was so caught up in my little world I didnt seem to notice much at the time. As I grew older, into a young teenager I got into drugs. I sort of built my social life around people that did drugs, it was the easiest way for me to make friends. I completely abandoned my schoolwork and had a FU attitude toward any authority. I basically was some kind of "badass" in my head, and didn't care about life in general or dying. I failed 9th grade twice, and dropped out the 3rd time. I could keep going on my teenage years but I'll shorten it up by saying thank god I'm still alive.
Fast forward.....I got my GED when I was 16, just barely. Then I went to cosmetology school the same year, passed with a high C. I've been doing hair about 8 years, and I never quite feel good enough, or successful enough. I never feel satisfied, yet fail to do anything about it. I do smoke weed, hardly ever drink but when I do I like to get drunk. drinking kind of sucks. I have taken adderol recreationally (not high amounts) and I feel like it helps me. I dont get overly hyper on it, I just get things done and my husband and I get along better. I never tell him when I've taken one, and he always mentions that I'm in a much better mood. (I have bad mood swings, hate when he touches me, and get mad when things are too loud or bright.) Our sex life suffers because of it. I never want to have sex because it is too distracting I kind of want to get it over with just so my husband will stop bitching about it. Anyways...I am having a hard time writing this b.c I have so much to say...I'll just finish with writing a list of some symptoms I have

Can't think when stressed (panic)
Can't follow directions or hold focus on anything boring
get bored super easy
feel like I need to accomplish a task but cant get around to it
messy car, purse, house
constantly misplace everything
cant remember where I put things after cleaning and putting away
will get stuck doing something completely different, when another task was at hand
hyper focus intently on tv, internet, books...etc.
sensitive to things like lights, noise, touch, and electromagnetic waves when I'm trying to sleep. (they make me hot)
kept finishing an interviewers sentences( i still got the job!)
impatient
restless leg syndrome ( i shake tables, cant sleep)
I had undiagnosed ocd as a child. clearly recognizable.
figety (wont get out of my chair though)
grocery markets are like a carnival of anxiety, go in with a list, and still take me 2 hours or more. I get distracted, and then I start feeling weird or embarrased

sleeping is hard, wake up atleast 1 time a night
drink alot of caffiene, even after 2:00 to keep my mood up
not so great self esteem
always thinking about what someone said and what they meant about that, I'll speak it aloud, and my husband will hear me and think im nuts.
blurt out in conversations, even when way innapropriate (embarrasing)
sometimes I feel as if the world is going to collapse on me, like I'm falling out of reality and cant find myself. I wish I was more matter of fact and grounded it would feel safer.

Thanks for reading...sorry it was so long.. :)
lovemyscissors lovemyscissors 26-30, F Sep 17, 2012

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