I Am.. Broken

Well, I found this site by accident, but I am way too proud to really tell many any of this. So, I begin.

I have lived a very rough life. Growing up in Detroit, Michigan, going through the gang life style and coming out of it. Being the ONLY thing my family has that supposedly is going anywhere. The first Male in my family to graduate high school and the first person in general to go to college, a very high level college. My high school GPA wasn't too great and I have always had problems with attention and then finally realized I had ADHD (and I truly do but do not have the insurance or money at all to get the right prescriptions or any tests to even get that far). That is what is really hurting me right now. I cannot get anything. Thus, my grades are plummeting and I am just feeling like I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning because it is pointless. I live on my own in this house and my rent is paid by my financial aid, which i am losing VERY soon and don't know how I can fulfill the rest of my lease. My job doesn't want to give me many hours and I worked so hard to even get this job so I am just so strapped for money. Honestly, I have many thoughts of suicide of feeling of loss lately. My mother is losing her home, and she lives three hours away from me. The entire family is dependent on me (even though I don't really have much of a "family" nor know what that means really) to graduate and do something for us but I don't know if I can even graduate... My father passed away when I was 16 and recently I have found out how much that really has impacted me. There are so many things that are heavy on my heart and this is just a jumbled mess. If I put them all on paper or here.. i think i'd explode. i'm losing the financial aid and then on top of it the school will be kicking me out most likely at this end of this semester (very soon) if I don't reach a 2.00 from a 1.98 with 70 credits under my belt already. I don't know if that will happen. and if that doesn't...I have no place to go. I'm losing all my friends... I want to sit in the house all day.. I don't even want to see my guinea pig.. I love and want to marry my girlfriend.. but she is going through something similar.. kinda.. and she barely talks to me and it hurts more than does good. I am just... some days are better than others. i don't feel like waking up anymore. This probably sounds like nothing to most people but.. I'm just... broken. i'm not asking for anything, just kind of trying to put this up and vent a bit. Thank you for reading if you do. It means a lot that anyone would take time out of their day to read my bullshit. Thank you.
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Nov 26, 2012