Leaving It In Gods Hands

This is my first time posting,
I have a 25 year old daughterwho has recently gotten out of one engagement  just to get into another engagement with a 23 year old guy, she has put  her education on hold and has made getting married her top piority..
She is now living with this guy in a house that they only recently  was told they have 30 days to get out (  I think they were behind in payments) they are with out electric, and water..
he can't hold down a job , and they are living on my daughters pay ( she works @ party city)
she wont come hme home because she knows that she would have to come home alone ( With out her guy friend)
She is still deturmind to merry him regardless ....
She wants me to help prepare  for a wedding !!!!
They don't even have a place to live!!!!!!!
I'm trying soooo hard to keep out of there bisness ( and let her figure thing out for her self), but it sooooooo!!!!!! hard!
She is a smart girl but she lats har emotions get the best of her !!!!
She has dated very little ( guess - she scared she wil not have a chance for marriage again!!!!)
Any advice!!!!!!!!
aliehs aliehs
12 Responses Aug 3, 2010

I am a Christian parent with 4 adult children and have been down this path before. Both in my vocation and my personal life I have seen similar situations. They can develop into dometic violence situations and are a nightmare to understand. Please be patient and sometimes you have to let your daughter fail for her to understand the true meaning of life. Support her but do not interfere.<br />
May God guide your deliberations to a successful outcome.

You are going to have to step in, people who get carried away with there emotions and visions of the future need a shock of reality and as her mother that's your job. As females we all go through that phase were we're worried about not settling down and finding love and tend to jump at the first opportunity that arises itself, no matter how horrible that situation is. Talk to her and if you need some support yourself ask her friends to join you. A fight might break out and she will probably get defensive but it's worth it in the long run.

Echoing Chongojenn once again: The commenters who are sure they can fix the problem are way off mark -- no one can fix your daughter's life but her. Therefore, you must do nothing that would try to change her actions -- you mustn't threaten, guilt-trip or lecture, but most of all it is crucial you don't try to mess up her plans or actively oppose them (like refusing to pay for part of the wedding, or telling her friends she's doing the wrong thing). Snooping and plotting against her, especially trying to turn her man against her or set her up with another, will drive her far away from you and leave her unable to handle her problems on her own. Moreover, without experiencing trust, she won't know how to choose a reliable man when she does get around to it. <br />
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What you can do, in the meantime, is think about how you can keep your household stable and a place she will feel comfortable in, even when defeated. Let it be a place she wants to go when she has lost the fight, and actively make yourself the person she will come to and say "oops... now what?" This is part of the reason you have to support her now, so she doesn't anticipate an "I told you so" response. If she fears your reaction to her failure, she won't seek your advice, comfort, etc. when she needs it, because she expects to be kicked when she's down. Try to be a mother without being a copilot. <br />
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My sister went through a phase like this. She was younger, and wasn't planning marriage, but she really messed herself up, and as long as family told her as much, she pushed us away. My mom was the first to give. My sister began to freely admit when she did things wrong, and at least partially repair the damage, because my mom didn't scold when she 'fessed up. Mom was the type to assess the damage and get started on whatever needs doing to fix it. So my sister gradually began to respect my mom's opinion more and see why she did things the way she did. It wasn't about controlling her or keeping her in line at all. The only thing that did it (and I say this from a perspective of having done exactly the wrong thing) was looking past the mistakes and straight towards the future. What can we do today to make things work out better? What would be the smartest move right now to keep things from falling apart? And she always worked with my sister, not against her. <br />
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From experience, I can posit that this may be the only way to help your daughter. It's obvious she could use a guide right now in her life, but as long as she doesn't want one, all your efforts are for naught. Just try to earn her respect and cooperation, slowly and non-invasively, so that she will one day accept your guidance. In the meantime, you are cleanup lady. It sucks, but it's worth it in the long run. <br />
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Best of luck, and sending you all my patience,<br />

Just simply be a mother to her by telling her the reality of what is best for this month and what is going to be the disadvantage of her current plan of marrying. Marrying will only end up to divorse or breaking up if both of them at the moment at non stable and financially incapable of raising their their family lives. She should better go back to college, with her man at side just to support her and when she finished her school and get better job, then they can get married in a more exciting celebration. It is not a good sign to get married if you both are not ready, financially, emotionaly and even they dont have any idea of what really marriage for them can be.<br />
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As a mother, with your husband, you still have all the right to decide whats best for your daugther, and if you really after whats best for her, eventhough she decided completely to get into marriage life, you can still support her to go to school, finish her degree, help and aid her financially. Do not think that since she decided to get married, your support is also off for her,,,no! support her as if she doesn't get married,,,,for her sake and for her own family in the future. Maybe, she wanted to make her own family now though she is not so ready but with her intention that she also wants the best for her family in the future. The only thing is that financially, she just started and not having any to start with. Help her with all you can, help her start her life and u will someday be happy that whatever she become, it's because of your guidance and support.<br />
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Just dont think of what u can lost if you help her, just think of what future she can have if from now on, she is in the right track (despite those obstacles). She need to experience those hardship as well for her to moved forward in the right way and for her to realized that that was the life she chooses to go on.<br />
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good luck mom!!

You have to tell her like it is.Don't help with the wedding.You would be tossing your money away.The hardest part of being a parent is letting your children fail.This is what you will look foward to:A few years from now with kid or kids in tow and Mr.Right is gone baby gone she will be looking for a roof over her head.Let her go now so you can get ready for the future.

I just wrote this huge repsponce, and my computer decided to go stupid on me.. and I lost it... I don't read previous posts on this so I won't be tempted to lean one way or another.. so if I've repeated something someone has said I apologize.. Basically to recap.. Speaking from tremendous amounts of experience in this field... (being engaged nearly 5 times to different men from the age of 18-25) despite what she says.. Your daughter is not searching for a husband, or afraid that she won't get married.. she is searching for a father and in turn, searching for her own identity.. trying to find that in a man will never satisfy her though.. it will simply make her resentful of him once she realizes he can't give her what she wants/needs.. thus perpetuating an already bad situation into something much worse.. You must be fulfilled in God before a man can come into the picture.. however this guy sounds nothing like a man.. making her pay his bills, can't even find a job.. this guy's got loser stamped on his forehead and as a caring and concerend mom, you see that! I'm 30 in a matter of weeks and wishing I knew then what I know now.. letting someone treat me miserable because I didn't have the confidence to believe someone better would want me. I'm way past that and know I'm quite a catch (on the right day anyway :) and am persuing my love of writing and art.. also searching for full time work since my nanny job was pulled out from under me.. (long story).. just encourage her to persue her dreams.. encourage her to get to know her dad better.. (if possible & if he is someone who would build her up and teach her who she is and what kind of man she deserves) maybe encourage her to move in with a girlfriend until she gets married.. (so she'll have a place to stay when things fall apart and a friend with her) and most of all just pray.. many times as a parent you want to speak up to prevent your child from being hurt.. and that's admirable.. however sometimes it's the painful things in life that teach us and make us strong.. no matter how many people are trying to give "life experience advice.." to prevent a simliar thing from happening... the easy things in our life don't make us strong.. Let go a little, take a few steps back and when things come crashing down (if they do) then offer some advice in love.. to offer it now will most likely put her on the defensive and create further friction between you two... best wishes! -Sarahps. she deep down she knows this guy's a loser, and out of self preservation and a realization that she deserves better, most likely she will, like me.. destroy the relatoinship herself before it comes to fruition.

I feel...that the majority of advice given here is very poor advice in deed. Do not try to manipulate your daughter's life. A good parent is one who gives the child an environment to learn and be happy, and then, when<br />
the time comes, allows the child to leave and face the world and become independent. <br />
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If you take an "active role" you are giving her more to run from. She will let you know when she needs you. Trust me. Trust her. Rather, have faith in her. Learning experiences are necessary for gaining wisdom. If you take this learning experience away from her, there is nothing for her to gain, and she's bound to fall in the same hole.

This is difficult, yes I think she needs to make her own choices. You should suggest to her to not have physical intimacy with him until she is sure she i ready for a child because otherwise she could bring a child in the world before she has created a good home for the child. If the man is willing to stay than it doesn't matter that they are poor for now, then there is genuine feelings there, otherwise how does she know she isn't being used by him. What woman wants to be wondering if her partner is using her. Be gentle so that she knows she can turn towards you. Be completely honest about what you have learned from your own life honestly. Does she know your past? If not how can you expect her not to be confused? This is the time of life of confusion. But she can get really really hurt for what she is doing to herself if he is not the right one for her. I have found that I had physical relationships with men who weren't the one's for me in the past and it gave quite a bit of baggage trauma that I carry in my subconscious as well as conscious for the rest of my life taking some piece of my own vitality and joy and you just ultimately want her to be happy. You will have to be very smart here to figure out the right level of helping without interfereing. Number one no matter what, always love her! Always be understanding and accepting, her hormones etc are strongly affecting her. Also there is probably a strong subconscious motivation pushing her to act in this way maybe based on patterns in her childhood. Remember people repeat patterns over and over until they can find an answer or something can be resolved and some never can resolve their problems. I can hear the plea in your letter, my prayers are with you.

Ok, going to be rough, but...<br />
First off, she's following the "gina tingle". In other words, this guy does something for her, and she feels attraction - and since there's no logic instilled there, you can't instill it now, you can't reason with it - you need to actively find a substitute. That's assuming she's in control. And a substitute will be someone who attracts her even more. Do it right (IE, send a "good boy" to Roissy in DC to learn how to flip her switches; send him to "Married Man Sex Life", Hawaiian Libertarian (blogspot.com). Make sure HE is marriage-minded, too, and a good fit in terms of chemistry. This approach will take time, but it's better than introducing her to another pla<x>yer, at least in the long term. Short-term, well, there's some possible bad news there...<br />
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Second, she may be in a controlling relationship, always a possibility. Above has her in thrall to her base instincts (Find strongest/best man to impregnate her). This side has her in thrall to the man. Easier to break, actually, but harder to get a toe-hold to do it. Remove her from the situation, the rest will come about naturally. Hard part is getting her out. I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that (In a similar situation with a woman who is controlling at this time.)<br />
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Last but hardly least - her priorities ARE correct if she wants children. I'm no fan of "Barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen", though some women definitely belong there. (Not mine, for example - should never have had her daughter, the kid's a mess.) However, a woman's ability to keep a man - her sexual market value - is based on her AGE, as a direct bearing on her looks. IE, young + beautiful = better children, easier pregnancy and delivery, faster recovery after. Can always go to college later, and there are plenty of other things to do to even while the kid is young - IE, certificate programs in Project Management or Real Estate, or various IT certifications - all can be done on your own, same with learning programming languages. Like learning a human language, can be done with tapes and books and such while baby sleeps. <br />
Wait until she's older, and the pool of interested men has dropped (her age + his independence + marriage strike + men getting burned by c*nts), and the pool of decent men is lower (same list of reasons, and I'm a good example, so I know what I'm saying - met a good woman, now I'm with a c*nt who has me pay all the bills while she's been uneployed for four years; I bought the house, paid the downpayment; I paid the legal bills to get her daughter back; I covered all her health issues - 4 ER visits, NO insurance.... Then there's the bankruptcy, the repo of her car and the motorcycle I could've bought IN CASH when we met, liquidation of my 401(K), ROTH IRA, stock fund, inheritance that was paying for my MBA, which is a lost cause now; her name is on the mortgage/deed, so I can't even throw her out; my family has disowned me because of the relationship, and due to her controlling nature, I'm without friends. Also without finds, we live from one paycheck to the next, I get by on $200 every two weeks - the rest is consumed by bills for things SHE needs, like cell phone service, home internet access, dish network, and the endless crafting supplies, clothing, expenses for her daughter (kid "lost" two books this year - a new low)...<br />
Just have her READ THAT LIST. She could become ME if she stays with this guy. Better to find a man who has a future potential, trade some headstrong bitchiness for a long-term committed relationship with that man, and SUCK IT UP with the occasional boredom. Otherwise, she'll get pregnant, he'll leave, she'll need to find a new man - and she'll go to the SAME SORT of person, who makes her (pardon my bluntness) p*ssy tingle, and then the cycle starts to repeat - because she is acting like a CHILD.<br />
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And the world doesn't have many more chumps like me, who will be naive and foolish enough to let a single mother move in and take over. Look up "Game" and "PUA" in google, you'll find a million more hits that I didn't mention, and the whole purpose of most of it is to get the girl into bed, and add another notch. Meantime, men who WERE interested in marriage as I used to be, are getting burned and screwed, and if they escape the bad relationship, they're still mentally scarred and emotionally dead. <br />
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Your daughter is at the best time of life to have children, IF SHE WANTS TO BE A MOM. If she wants a kid because it's fashionable, she should have her tubes tied - wrong intent. If she wants to be married instead of a single mom, she needs to GROW UP and settle a little - life isn't one big festival of delights, there are slow and boring items, too - and if you're depending on even a HIGH END job to live on, well - I earn $105K/year, and look at my situation caring for three people. I am NOT a happy camper, and if she listens to her genitals instead of her rational mind, she will soon be in similar situation. <br />
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Lastly - this IS where you should stick your nose in. But quietly - work to instigate fights between them, push buttons (for example, play no fear: abandonment, financial ruin = no food on the table, screaming baby means no more party life, etc.) Also play on his fears - being tied down to her debts, being reliant on her for money, comment on his manhood size and ability - as in, if he HAD any manhood, he'd get a job at least. It's a bad time to have ambitions, especially as credentialism (IE, must have a college degree to get an interview) has grown. It's one thing to say you can't work as an engineer without a degree, quite another to say that a secretary needs a degree - especially if you look at old-time tests for HS or eighth grade. We aren't being taught much - look at John Taylor Gatto's comments on what is ACTUALLY taught in school, it's mostly, "Color in the lines and don't worry about the work results." IE, be a good little replaceable cog in the machine of society. <br />
you can also push towards dangerous pass-times: racing, rock climbing, etc. She'll get her tingle, he'll get a DOA tag (eventually, maybe). But he might also end up finding "hotter" women, which would mean he'd leave her - problem solved in the short term, then you turn back to the long-term strategies again. Growing up a Beta male (dull, boring, reliable) into an actual MAN who will still take care of your daughter, an Alpha (gives her sexual tingles and generates attraction and wonder in her) who won't abandon her after he's had his fun - this is the best overall strategy. <br />
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Just make sure she's not a *****, 'cause if she is, no man will stick around for long - the loathing and abuse he suffers will make him look for a way out fast. 4 years here, of a steady decline in my lifestyle and options, rapid aging, bad food, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to lead (she won't follow), adapting to follow (She can't lead), and finally realizing I need to either leave and lose the house, or put her through a wood chipper (feet-first, so I can hear the screams...) <br />
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Is that graphic enough to sink the point home? That if, no matter what he does, the man isn't good enough, he'll leave, and may do damage on the way out? That after a man has dealt with a woman like mine, he won't want any woman for quite some time? That he will forever after see women as usurious ******? even when they don't deserve it! That he will see them as the same, regardless of packaging, and forever after guard his life jealously, keeping them at arm's length?<br />
I mention all this so you can see the damaged ones and screen them out. :-( Damaged ones like me.<br />
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As to, "leaving it in God's hands," That's a cop-out. when ti all goes south, well, you "left it in God's Hands," and He didn't do such a good job, but YOU have no guilt.<br />
Just like Pontius Pilate.... Wash your hands.<br />
Let em suggest an alternative: God helps those who help themselves. (And others.)<br />
Take an ACTIVE role in this, give up the passive victim-mentality, and get things done. Even badly resolved, it will be better than poorly unfolding. As long as you maintain plausible deniability while driving a wedge between them, you should be able to keep her. Show her pictures of famous feminists, too - Greer, for example, or Vallenti - let her see where a bad attitude and a string of bad relationships will lead. You don't even need Lifetime or Oxygen for that - it's in the papers, on the news, in the (auto)biographies of the feminazis (so, blaming MEN for all that's wrong in your life is NOT attractive, and she needs to learn that, and take responsibility for her decisions, good or bad. Can't take the credit for the good and refuse the blame for the bad. Doesn't work that way. You wanted equality, stand up and take it like a man. OR, admit you're NOT a man, and give men the respect they deserve - which could be total or none, I admit - but find a man you can respect for your foreseeable future. Can't say life, we live too long now. :-) <br />
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Tell this to your daughter, maybe be a cruel parent and make her feel the impact and effects of a bad choice or three that WON'T cripple her for life, and tech her what will happen in the long term.<br />
I doubt she's stupid, you just need to get her to think the right way and she'll reach the right conclusions - IE, running around being a ***** is BAD, getting in touch with her inner **** is a BAD IDEA... Having lots of friends, Male or Female, is NOT bad in and of itself. Leading on the boys IS a bad thing and can have very negative consequences (for example, lead on the wrong kind of thug, he'll take what was offered - even if she ""changed her mind".) I wouldn't wish that on an enemy, but run with a bad crowd - even if it's a crowd of one - and you'll get burned. Hopefully not THAT badly, but still - playing with fire. <br />
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I hope you can pull some good points out of this. Basically, you can't just put your faith in God, you need to act; you need to think like a Prince (Machiavellian) and keep the ob<x>jective in sight - IE, make sure she doesn't throw away her life; you need to get her to think it was all her idea in the long run; you need to make her grow up and take responsibility for her life.<br />
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Good luck. Learn the red flags to watch for (suggestions: Hooking up smart blog, Girl Game blog), and make sure she does, too. she doesn't have to be an angel, just don't let her be a devil. It's self destructive.

No amount of suggestions you give will help her. She needs<br />
to go through trial and error to find her happiness. All she needs from you is to know you're there when she comes running to you. She just needs to know your love exists for her and that's all. Now relax, because that's the second most<br />
Important thing you can do. Be strong for her. She can have your strength to look up to.

Greetings,<br />
Perhaps the most important thing that you can try to do is to ensure her future. It would be great if she could go to school because I have never met anyone who regretted getting a degree but I have met plenty that regretted otherwise. I know it is scary to afford tuition (I had to put myself through college and it was $32,000 per year plus living costs). If she goes maybe you and other family members could make a symbolic payment towards her tuition. This could help to send the message that when she tries to take care of her future, you are there for her.<br />
About the marriage: It sounds like there must be a reason for her wanting to get married so fast. Could she feel constrained or not supported at home and is looking for her independence or someone to go through life with her? Or maybe is it possible that she never learned good study, working habits and that as a result she finds school scary (I found this out about myself after college and very nearly did not make it into grad school). Whatever the reason, I would think that if I were her, I would want my mom to be there to help me figure it out.<br />
About the guy: You did not write a lot about him, so I do not understand why someone thought that he might be a bad guy. After all, your daughter likes him for a reason. Also, he is someone's son too. He is probably having similar problems (maybe even that is why they feel so close to each other). Maybe you guys could compromise there. Why not let them move in for a predetermined amount of time. This would be to help them put their lives in order. You could even say to both of them, that if they can not handle the costs of the wedding and living, how will they handle children... etc. So in other words, this would be a tradeoff. You would give them a deadline (while living with you for going to college and/or getting a job). I would keep in mind that it would not be a bad idea to try to get the guy to go to college too. After all this might show the daughter that you care about his fate too, and you are merely ob<x>jecting to her life situation AND NOT her choice of mate. It would also show that you want to help and not judge.<br />
These are just some thoughts about what you may consider. Also to get help is not a bad idea: but your daughter would have to want this. Also, a psychologist is a good option but takes a lot of time and commitment.<br />
Lastly, I would like to give you an idea of where I am coming from and why do I feel that I associate with your problem. When I was 16 I dropped out of high-school. Later on when I was 19 I moved out of my parents house and went to college (after finishing a fast home high school). At 20, i got married. Since then i have taken forever to go to grad school and now I am working on my doctorate degree in what is considered one of the best (if not the best) institutions for my area. I am not saying this to brag, just to say that while I went to a good school, I still wish that I had done things differently and so could my parents. My parents were not supportive and I have not had a penny to help me (only they gave me a couple checks of $500 for my birthdays one I got into a master's program). This late response send a message to me that unless I succeed, they will not be there for me. The other thing that I wish that I had done differently was getting married later. School changed me, life changed me and as I get to be a different person, we do not match anymore. Yes, I also thought that this would be impossible, but now I am stuck :) So here are my consequences of getting married too early :)<br />
In the meantime please consider figuring out what your daughter needs for getting ahead in life (by talking to her) and do not impose rules or tell her what to do as the time for that was when she was a child and teenager. Did you ever ask her what it would take for her to go to college? Why would she not want to? If she mentions the guy, tell her that who she is with, is a separate issue from going to school. Maybe for that she would not mind seeing a counselor. Sometimes splitting up a problem into sub-problems is easier. Bottom line is that now she is an adult, like you. SO in the end the best thing you can do is try to listen and help and be there for her (or them if she does choose in the end to make a family).<br />
I think that I really sympathize so if there is anything that I could help with, do let me know.<br />
warmest wishes,<br />
Maria<br />
P.S. It is still not too late to get federal aid for college for starting school in september if she would like to explore that...

Hello Allehs,<br />
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Wow, this is a tough one, but so wonderful you are giving her REAL support, I mean honesty and real caring for her life.<br />
Yes, you are right, her education IS the most important. Making her life look real but losing it in truth is NOT the answer. <br />
So, can you suggest that she go online--or better--o a live CODA meeting. Tell her she'll find just the right support there, as that's what it's there for (it's the 12step for relationships, and mighty fine. She's free to come or go as she pleases but she'll get heart's straight talking and the right support.) Codependants Anonymous is the official title<br />
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Another thing, can you yourself go back to get your own education? I bet doing that might teach her more than anuything, as you are showing her direct that you yourself are worth the time. You clearly have the force and smarts to do it, night classes, the local college, whatever is available..then University if you want to go on..and you yourself deserve missy!<br />
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If you can, tell her that no man can make her life for her, nor make it worthwhile, only she herself can choose who she is , and that all things and wishes are possible to achieve. But only if she comes from her own center, heart, life well made. And that she can't buy from another. Nor is she allowed to use her survivial energy (ie salary among other things) to buy it that way. Only to get herself strong, so someone worthy of her has space to come to really love her, not suck off her insecurity.<br />
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NO wedding. It would be premeditated soul's murder, and the children born will be, guaranteed, miserable themselves, because not born of real choice and love.<br />
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Tell her that the stronger and clearer she is with herself, the better the man. Always. <br />
My grandmother was divorced at 59, met the true love of her life at 60, when he died 10 years later (he was 20 years her senoir) she married a beautiful man who became our favourite grandfather of all. My mother is still going strong at 77, with a man 25 years her junior who just can't give her up..<br />
At 25, your daughter's got plllllenty of time to find her true love--but first she has to find her true life and heart.<br />
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Best to the both of you,<br />
G Si