Life Inside The Box

i only recently found out that what was going on with me was called agoraphobia. i also suffer from borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder so i thought my symptoms had something to do with that. two and a half years ago, my boyfriend at the time shot and killed one of our close friends apparently for no reason except retaliation against something really stupid. anyway, i lost most of my "friends" because of it and the boyfriend got life in prison. i had to testify against him in the trial. since then, i havent been able to really go anywhere alone and i freak out in places like wal mart. i live with my mom and stay in my room most of the time. i go to therapy once a week and my therapist is suggesting that i at least take my puppy for a 15 min walk everyday. i just want all this to go away so i can be me again

May 16, 2013 An Update to my Story
I would like to proudly say that therapy and meds have definitely paid off. I stuck with it and refused to give up. I thank everyone on here who was so supportive of me and told me to just take my time <3  I'm proud to say that I now have my own apartment with my dog Gracie (always by my side) and a boyfriend who is truly supportive. I still go to therapy twice a month and am still on meds for depression and panic attacks/anxiety. I'm able to go into stores like Wal-mart alone and shop for brief periods of time and I even babysit a few of my friends children for them. My disability came through which helps alot. I also have to thank my mom for not giving up on me. Although she is not my biological mother, she has been the closest person I have. She has made sure I followed through with everything I needed to do to start the baby steps towards my healing. I couldnt have made it this far without her. I'm not all the way there yet but I have made huge improvements and I'm proud of myself. This is a testimonial to anyone who thinks that they can't or won't ever make it past "Life inside the box." Keep trying and never give up and allow yourself the time to heal properly. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm such a more positive person than I used to be and I'm grateful for all the beauty that God surrounds us with everyday. I no longer feel crippled by all my disorders. Thanks to EP for letting me tell my story. Thanks everyone!!
ramonaj79 ramonaj79
31-35, F
10 Responses May 4, 2011

@floyd- i was just diagnosed with ptsd by a different psychologist. it was only her opinion to what had already been diagnosed but having read up on it, i agree with you. thank you so much for the compliment. im trying.



consider it can beat this

@mike- my therapist had me learn a series of breathing exercises early on and they really do help if i can remember to do them in time. she has me practice them at home everyday when im in a calm mood. wow, you really do know about this disorder. i hate it. i used to be so social. i do have faith that i will beat it in time! i go tomorrow to my appt with a psychiatrist that will determine my eligibility for disability until i can work again. im super nervous about this and the fact that i have to leave the house to go somewhere ive never been. wish me luck!

I have some knowledge of this condition and for me the key to it is letting go of the fear when the adrenaline kicks in....try and take a few deep breaths, hold to a count of 5 or 10 then exhale....when the panic hits without realising it you start to breath quickly and take in more oxygen than you slowing and controlling the amount of air you take really does help you stop spiralling out of control.

thank you very much. i just refuse to let it keep me down forever. sometimes i try to much at once and set myself backwards for weeks but i have a son that needs his mother. its hard to have him on weekends and have to have my mom go with me to take him anywhere. she helps tremendously by pushing just enough. she wont let me lay around in bed all day without at least trying to get me out. she bought me a puppy and that has really been a huge help. im so sorry that happened to you. i hope that you continue to stay positive. ill be your inside/online friend to help keep you motivated :)

I totally understand how you feel. 5 years ago my best friend committed suicide and a week later i was in the ER with a severe panic attack. I was ok after that for about a year and for the past 3 years I have lived in my house. NEVER LEAVING IT. <br />
Now that I have talked to a therapist and had a physician come see me at home I am on low doses of meds and I feel better. <br />
The fact that you freak out in places like Wal-Mart yet you still keep going says alot about you and your resilience. Keep thinking positive and if your friends left you, even though you had nothing to do with what happened, you are better off without them. Just surround yourself with positive people.<br />
Keep smiling and like 2buddies said, take all the time you need.

I like how I can get on here and open up on a variety of topics and share my real thoughts without wondering if someone's trailing me. Now there's something I cannot say I have enough patience in; pets who wake me in the middle of deep sleep. grrrrr! Well, some folks got it and some don't I guess....

thank you very much. i really do like this site so far! it sure lets me say what on my mind. and thanks for the info on how EP was started. oh, and i think the new puppy is definitely helping. ive never felt such uncondional love. shes 4 1/2 months and her name is Gracie. shes half boxer, half pit and already weighs almost 30 lbs. she makes sure i get out of bed every day lol. thanks again

Things take time. I sense that you really want to get out but are not ready yet. Just like people who try to quit smoking where they're not ready, you'll just aggravate yourself. EP is a great place to talk to others about similar life experiences. Did you know that EP was created by a Stanford graduate to make a positive community to empower patients? Along the way, it became a "voice to a group of people known to suffer in silence, and the opportunity to be among new friends...who truly understood each other's challenges?" Click here: <a href="" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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I kinda get agoraphobic myself and what I do is get more sun on my face during walks or exploring the wetland nature trail on my mountain bike two blocks down the road. Or lift weights. Or what the hell, just stay in and watch HBO, haha! Take all the time you need.