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Forever Alone

I'm a very shy 26 year old female that suffers from agoraphobia. I really don't know what happened to me. I used to be outgoing and not nearly as shy. In fact I'm having trouble just writing this... 10 years ago I would have laughed at someone scared to type about themselves. I guess that's the sort of irony I find in my life. I do go out, but when I get around to many people I get very anxious and I never go out just for fun. I don't really have any friends. I just have my boyfriend that wants me to get better, and yet he won't take me out. I really want to get better myself, but I find it hard to go out. It's like my life has paused and the world is still moving. I feel alone and like a loser. I shudder to think how I will be 5 years from now, if I don't get any help. I've always been a very nervous person, but the older I get the more it haunts me. I've been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and agoraphobia. I think that I have social anxiety disorder also. I suppose this all may stem from my self-esteem. My father (of whom I still live with) is always putting me down; calling me fat, stupid, and sometimes a lot worse. Sometimes I feel so worthless I just want to disappear. I don't want to die but I am tired of being alone.
xNebulax xNebulax 26-30, F 2 Responses Feb 22, 2012

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Hi x. It appears that we are soul sisters in our diagnoses, unfortunately. I, too, have PTSD and panic/agoraphobia. My heart was saddened by your story. I have so many questions and things I want to say that will brighten your spirit, if I can. Do you have to stay with your father? Is that your only living arrangement option at this time? I would highly encourage you, if you can, to move out. Your father's verbal abuse is detrimental to your well-being and I am most certain keeping you from any type of healing or moving forward. Does your boyfriend (BF) understand your condition? Let me rephrase as it is nearly impossible for someone without the disorder to fully understand what it is like, but has he read up on your disorder? Does he have at least an intellectual understanding of the disorder? I agree with Blackberry, if your BF or other trusted person in your life could be with you as you gradually take baby steps, and only when you are ready, that would help you. There are so many people on EP who understand what you are going through, like myself, and I am glad you have people on here to reach out to. Send me a message if you ever need someone to talk to. :) Btw...your dad is clueless and no one, and I mean NO ONE deserves to be called names. You are none of those things and I do not need to know you to know that! :)

I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia too, along with many other things. It would be nice if your boyfriend could take you out, like little baby steps. Did you ask him about going out? I hate being around crowds and one time a restaurant was completely packed. I started to freak out in my head and left. So my boyfriend and I went to another restaurant and it wasn't so crowded, things turned out fine. The only time I see my boyfriend is on the weekend. Every day of the week, I'm stuck in the house, no friends. No ambition to get out of bed, completely non-functional. The rest of the world is moving and I'm not. It angers me that your father calls you names. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm glad you did post here because myself and others can relate to you. I really wish you well. Have you tried a<br />
therapist? I'm 28 btw.