Been Abused - Have Ptsd

I have been through alot.  More than most.  I have been gang-raped, beaten and left for dead. Then went out with a man who raped/abused me for 8 years... finally got the strength to run away, but had to live in my car for 6 months. I kept my job by cleaning up in the diner and looking decent for work.

6 months later I met the man I would marry... we had a wonderful life together.  But then I became addicted to crack/cocaine and he didn't use drugs and couldn't understand my obsession with it... so he left me.

I didn't have panic attacks or PTSD until he left me.  After being comfortable and safe with someone for 10 years, when he left my barriers went back up - and I became terrified to leave my house.

Can't work a job, if you can't leave your house.  The nightmares came back, the ones I had of the rapes I endured... i started having night sweats and talking in my sleep.  I have PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia with acute panic attacks, adhd, and a borderline personality disorder... I am on meds, but it doesn't do much.

I am not depressed, I take prozac faithfully... and I don't have panic attacks unless I go out with say my dad - and we get separated in the store - that freaks me out.

If I go out alone and I know I am alone, I am okay.  I can shop in the store at the odd hours, like 6am or 11pm - when there aren't that many people there.  Otherwise, I get nervous and if I bump someone's cart - it's all over.

The last major panic attack in a store was about 1-1/2 years ago... my mom and I got separated... and I started to panic, running down the aisles looking for her... doom set in - and i spun the carriage around and knocked into a SNAPPLE display sending broken glass and snapple everywhere... tripping me.  I fell into the juice on the floor... and just cried and rocked...

my mother not understanding the severity of the attack, came up to me and said - come on we have to finish shopping - the manager will clean that up...

I looked at her, I was grief-striken... I said if you want to keep shopping, you have to do it without me - I am going home.

She said, we have to pay for what we hvae... I said louder this time: I AM NOT PAYING FOR ANYTHING, I AM GOING HOME.

and I did.  I left her at the store, and sent my father back to get her. 

after that - I didn't go into a store for months.

I don't drive and don't dare take a city bus... what would I do if I panicked on the bus - get off in a strange neighborhood... I don't think so, not me.

Luckily I have my computer, that is my access to the world outside my door.

i am a poet with a published book, working on another one. 

I don't trust men that much, I wouldn't say I dislike them, I'm sure some men are great - my husband was one of the good guys... but they are far and few in between.

just looking for friends... no relationships.

lynn
REC0VERED REC0VERED
41-45, F
7 Responses Apr 30, 2007

:,(

i'm sorry to hear you have been through so much misery.<br />
<br />
it makes for more pain, though. ever read tolle's work<br />
<br />
on emotional recovery? he was on oprah.com.<br />
<br />
they talk about it on their webcast. it was so<br />
<br />
sentimental but healing to viewers. not<br />
<br />
my type of show but maybe you'd like my friends<br />
<br />
book about oneness. we're all one, they say.<br />
<br />
try this, it's like me - open and happy. (smile)<br />
<br />
<br />
_______________________________________<br />
Want a book to reduce stress?<br />
<br />
<br />
"Spirit Seas - Sonnets of Oneness<br />
Inspired by Eckhart Tolle" by anna coffer <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"I sensed a presense. Don't ask me how,<br />
I knew it was Christ. We came before the Maker, the Creator. The<br />
Creator said to me, "I'm putting you in school with 70 angels.<br />
What they have been doing, they've been doing for thousands<br />
of years. Listen to them..."<br />
Anna<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
In Bookstores<br />
<br />
(Wal-Mart, Barnes and Knobles, Borders,<br />
Target's, Hastings, Amazon.com, Dalton's, Walden's...)<br />
<br />
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<br />
(see the rainbow)<br />
YouTube/ spirit seas<br />
<br />
annacoffer@yahoo.com

OMG you sound alot like me. It looks like that was written a year ago but I hope you're still here. I'd really like to talk (write) with someone who has had the same experiences I have. [I don't do crowds, so I obviously don't do support groups... ] I'm going to your page and see if you're still here.

Your story made me cry... I'm a 23 old boy... and I'm sorry that you had to experience what you did... you have a Friend here if you need one... and just that.

Your story made me cry... I'm a 23 old boy... and I'm sorry that you had to experience what you did... you have a Friend here if you need one... and just that.

wow I see so much of myself mirrored here in this story ....though I haven't been though what you have .....I have the same distrust in men,the same fear of people in stores,the exact same hesitation to leave the safety of my house .....

wow I see so much of myself mirrored here in this story ....though I haven't been though what you have .....I have the same distrust in men,the same fear of people in stores,the exact same hesitation to leave the safety of my house .....