Good morning, my name is J---,

I am currently living in massachusetts.. I am a former paramedic, for over 10 years, helping others always came naturally to me I loved the reward I got in return when there was a positive outcome because of something I did or said to one of my patients. I have always been an optimistic individual with high expectations to succeed. Well during my tenure we dealt with a lot of blood,guts,gore, and had numerous occasions where body protection was overlooked because the minutes/seconds counted down to saving these lives.

To make a very long story a bit shorter, I changed jobs and became ill. It was like the flu that never went away. I went to the doctor numerous times only to be told I had a cold, or bronchitis. I got up and went to work everyday no matter how painful, tiring, draining it was. Till I reached a point that I called out of work one day and stayed in bed and slept. The day flew by and before I knew it the next day had come and gone, and again, and again...... A total of 9 days passed I could not get out of bed, I could not function, I could not eat, I could not even show my cat Felix how much I appreciated his love and devotion to me by laying next to me day in and day out. I woke to feed him, cuddled with him, and we slept. If he could talk even he would have offered to help me. Until day 10 where a female friend ( my savior ) showed up at my studio apartment, my work was concerned, my family was worried. I was scared and tired. She saw the distress I was in and sat me up in bed, dressed me, put my shoes on, wrapped me to keep me warm, and took me to the hospital. I was hooked up to 3 forms of oxygen. 2 masks, and a nasal cannula.

My oxygen saturation 57%, The flurry of activity around me reminded me of my career in as a paramedic. Nurses racing around, doctors yelling in complete dismay. Here I lay, dying. 30 minutes go by, I am medicated for the pain which still showed its face after every heartbeat. A team of physicians are standing in front of me and tell me with a bewildered look. John we don't know whats wrong with you, but we cannot continue like this. John I need you to know you are dying, and we need to try and save you. Do you understand? I blink a couple times to show them I do understand, as tears of pain and dismay slowly crawl down my cheek into my lips where I taste their salinity. The sounds are fading, the activity in my eyes slows, but that wasn't the case as I'm being rushed into an operating room, the lights glimmer by so fast but yet so slow.
J-----! J----! we need to put you into a medical coma to save your life they yell at me firmly. I'm fading fast, my breaths getting shallower, my heart beats slower, time is broken. I look to my right at an anesthesiologist, or was he an angel? I dont recall. A warm fluid enters my veins, and a darkness encompasses me. I am dead, I see myself on the table, I see the doctors and nurses from above. Its chaos, but to me its peaceful, no more pain, no more..... just no more anything...... I hear CLEAR!!!!!, and a dull humming. AGAIN!!! I hear. And then I'm back on the table..... being poked, stabbed, and jump started back to this life, but would it last?

47 days later I awake...... slowly, with a thick tube coming out of my throat, as a machine makes my chest rise and fall mechanically. I flury about trying to make sense of where I am only to have a doctor run in and fill my veins with this white liquid, and again its dark. but I hear the faint sound of a peaceful music that soothes me. Turns out my female friend was there with me everyday and had earbuds in my head in the hope I could hear the peaceful, hopeful music she selected.

Day 48 I slowly come to, with an army of staff here to help. The tube removed from my throat, my mouth dry. I cannot talk, I'm greeted with a warm palm on my head, and a doctors voice saying, "your a fighter J---". You are lucky to be here, but I assure we are all happy to have you back. a little time passes and some nurses leave, and the doctors remain. J---? do you have any idea why u were so ill? I shake my head,
J----, I want you to just listen to me ok, dont talk. I dont want you to damage your vocal cords. I nod in compliance............ A quiet comes over the room, and he said. J----........ you have AIDS your CD count is 7,you have Pneumocystis pneumonia in all 4 quadrants of your lungs; Thrush; and CMV, which causes blindness.
were going to talk more, but I want you to rest, welcome back John.

I have spent the past 4 years recovering / suffering. I have learned so much, I have lost so much. Now again I find myself back to where it all started I want to help others I think my story and experience is unique, and I feel I need to share it. I would love the opportunity to help others again, can you please help me with my journey?

terminally terminally
36-40, M
1 Response Aug 23, 2014

the journey has just begun. And it shall end just as abruptly