Can'T Even Enjoy The MusicI'd imagine most people feel music is life, it makes us sad, makes us happy, brings back memories, creates new memories.
Lately, I haven't turned the music on much. I've actually been making myself at times...because I just feel I should. There has been an unspoken reason. A reason I've known and felt, but didn't put it into much thought, as thinking would just bring about more emotions and more feelings, so I ignored it...but, as feelings and thoughts go, they can only be ignored for just so long before the volcano erupt, and they demand to be heard and felt. Dang it.
When this happens, I try hard to get it over fast, tuck them away again and move on. No use dwelling on them and it's just so over whelming and I don't know how to handle or what to do with all the feelings. It hurts too much and I can't be carrying on life crying. I can't handle the ache in my chest.
Anyways, I haven't had the music on much, ignoring the little voice that knows the music is only adding to my over whelming feelings and I have enough emotions to choke a giraffe as it is, without it being added to.
In my car, since there must be music on in the car, I've stayed on one of 3 stations, one is called Spa, one is called Escape and the other is Chill. None very loud, just some background music, still evoking emotional responses from me, making me think of turning it off, but I never turn off the radio in the car..
So this morning, while putting on my face and doing my hair, I thought to myself, "I've always had a radio in the bathroom. I've always played the radio while in the bathroom. The first thing I do when I go in the bathroom is turn the radio on. It even has a CD pla
So I turn it on and there is a lively little dance beat, hip hop I suppose it could be called, top hits, the 'move my hips' music...okay, I'll go with it and try to shut my mind up from wanting to think double time while I'm applying my make up... I found it hard to not be thinking while doing my routine, but I couldn't get lost in my thoughts with the music on. Then a slow, heart rendering song came on, soul searching type melody, soulful voice, rip my heart out, feel like I'm having a heart attack due to the ache, and heaviness it's bringing to my chest and my whole body felt like it was sitting in a bowl of thick cream, slow motion, bringing every need, want, goal and yearning -none of which I have-come barreling out at me. I wanted to scream, and pull my hair out, throw on my clothes, rush to my car and head out...maybe Rome.
I'm reading 'eat, pray, love' and years ago, for many years, years ago...I thought Rome, Greece, Italy would be the most marvelous places to visit. My dream. My adventure, how lovely and exciting..Venice...ummm, ancient Greece... But by 46 and never being on a plane or having the money, or given the chance or opening to travel, it's been those things that you push away, make yourself lock up, it's not going to happen now, don't be so stupid, you're such a fool and an idiot, people like you don't get to do exciting things or see things, dumb dipwad I am anyways to so foolishly think I ever would...maybe I shouldn't read 'eat, pray, love'...just showing me everything I've wanted to do, but it was for 'her'..that woman, someone like her, not someone like me.
I have an interruption here...the man I live with has now come out here and is talking to me...so I have to go.
I think the radio should stay off
I have enough feelings to deal with
god he is so loud, won't stop talking to me, teasing the dogs, now turning the tv on..my time here is done
I didn't read the whole thing I wrote over. I hate reading over what I've written. The feeling is gone now. That was a feeling that hit me yesterday and I wanted to get it out. I get to a feeling and place inside myself, and inside my mind, when I write. I was lost and involved in a feeling while I was writing, never to be recaptured again. That's why when he came barreling into the room, and he talks so loud...it was so nice and quiet, and I was writing and lost in my feeling and thought, and he just talks and talks about stuff I don't even want to know or hear...then he won't shut up at all and he expects me to listen and look at him...Never caring if I'm doing something, but that's just like him always.
As for eat, pray, love, I'm very glad Elisabeth got to go on her trip and I am enjoying it. I just know a part of this book (not all, by far) is me, within me. Her sign is Cancer too. She mentioned that a few pages back, so a lot of our emotions and things we feel or do are the same...or even when we aren't exactly a like, I can relate. Though she loves making friends every where she goes...which isn't me at all.
If I was meant to do anything in this life, it was to have a spiritual journey and to meet kindred spirits, and share my life with old souls.
Maybe traveling to some foreign land wasn't written in the stars for me, but I know there is a journey for my heart, soul and spirit yet.