Almost 39 And Still Single...is It Worth Still Hoping Or Is That Just More Depressing.

I am 38 and am past the point of knowing what to do to attract a mate...all the things people say to do, either I have done, or don't apply to me. I am successful, but not a workaholic at all. I have many of my own interests, but always make plenty of free time available for my friends and relationships. I have done therapy, looked at my childhood, I'm healthy, attractive, have taken a long hard look at my own faults and responsibility and really at this point have come to the loving conclusion that actually, I am perfectly deserving and normal enough to have a relationship. (Believe me, this was a hard won belief...I was sure something was wrong with me for many years, but with enough self loving and personal growth, I am now just simply perplexed that I am alone). I have asked my friends, and everyone is as stumped as I am. I am funloving, adventuresome, but also just love making a cozy quiet home life. I feel pretty darned balanced and that I have quite less baggage than the next person at this point!

I want family/kids, but not in a desperate way that would lead me to just go for someone that was not compatible with me. I have been proposed to by short term boyfriends before where we would obviously not work out...I have been in relationships that really were not fulfilling to me but where if I had wanted to, I could have "settled down". I'm not just willing to settle for someone just to avoid being alone, but I will say, I have definitely broadened my scope of what I would consider...going so far as to start dating men at this point that really aren't even compatible with me, because sitting around for 5 years holding out for someone to come along that was compatible, just left me alone. So I've done the "just get really clear on exactly what you want, and put it out to the universe and wait for it to come along and pursue your own interests in the meantime" thing. Result? Alone. Then people say "you're too picky, you need to open yourself up to love showing up in a way you might not expect it to look". But a look at my last few short relationships would reveal that's not the case either...I've gone on dates with men and given them a shot, and even fallen for some that were not compatible simply because we had a good time together. But in the end, not compatible = not compatible.

So here I am, alone, my 39th birthday looming on the horizon, vision board filled with pictures of my mate, and nothing happening. It's more depressing at this point to even hope than maybe it will be to just accept the fact that my life will be lived alone. No, no family vacations for me, no holidays with family. Just 3rd wheeling it or staying at home by myself. :-(
ixchella ixchella
36-40
19 Responses Aug 7, 2010

Just turned 39 in December. I am in the same boat. I have read so many comments on here and all the thoughts on why plus frustrations mirror my own. I use to say my soul mate passed away and so I'm cursed to live alone forever. The worst part for me is my youth slowly slipping away. Other than these crippling thoughts I have welcomed the thought that maybe my life was meant to be filled with many little adventures and lovers. For me I will not pass up being a mother it is something I think I would regret. I hope the person that started this blog found her love and I hope all the women on here do as well! I have to say it feels great to know that I'm not alone in this world because I was forgotten by the universe but because I'm one of the beautiful extraordinary women of my time! Beautiful. Strong. Badass women :)

i'm in the same boat :(

This is so my life as well....I got to thinking maybe we should form an online community for people like us. It's so encouraging to not be alone in this situation.

I am in exactly the same boat. Long term partner left me for someone else. Seeing as you wrote this nearly 4 years ago, I hope life has changed for you.

Sounds like your trying too hard. If love was this tough to find wouldnt we all be single?

Find something you love to do and put your focus into that instead. You will find love when it's "no big deal" anymore. Good luck.:)

Wow.....you couldnt have said it better. Im in the same boat. Im 38 years old and we are half way into the year. You are describing my story. How is your life now??? I need to know because im at my witts end.

Let's hope she found what she was looking for and didn't feel the need to come back here. Then there's hope for us all.

I know this was written almost 4 years ago but I had to comment. Has your life changed for the better, did you find anyone? I could have written that story myself. Most of the time I've accepted my life circumstances and other times...it just kills me. For a quality person with a lot to offer, that isn't willing to marry just anybody, you automatically slash your odds in half at least in finding that. I made the mistake of marrying someone with a lot of baggage, that could never give me a family. I knew he was the only man that would marry me. I did love him but it was a terrible situation for me. I thought it'd be enough. It wasn't. Now I'm mad at myself for throwing away the last few years I had left with a man that I could never have anything with. Even if I wouldn't have married him, there is no guarantee that I would have a family of my own now so I try not to be too hard on myself. It can't just be anyone. People like us have two choices....make it happen while it's still possible or wait for something that may or may not come....

Fantastic post! I totally relate to your post and have dealt with the exact experiences. I don't know the answers as we have tried everything including leaving up to fate. Keep your head up and push forward. I have to push myself into believing that there is a man out there for me but I'm still holding on to the fringes of fate.
I wish you all the best of luck!
B.

Hey,

So you wrote this three years ago....have you found anyone yet? Are you still responding to comments on here? Would be good if you could reach out.

I read it, and I thought I was reading my own blog almost. I've been engaged and almost married, said no to a proposal and the last guy who I loved so much (and still do) dumped me nine months ago and my heart still loves him and I think of him for a few minutes every single day still.

I have prayed, sent my wishes to the Universe during a New Moon, written my dreams down aka Law of Attraction style, been on plenty offish dating site and another one....(got 3,000 emails so I know I am photogenic but I guess my weight can sometimes get me down. I think I just need lovebut I didn't enjoy majority of dates as I don't like that as a way to meet) and now I am 39 pushing 40 in 7 months, still single, no children.

I have had a good career but it's been unstable with no continuity, like my dating life I guess but I am about to settle into a permanent job which will be the first permanent one for nine years so maybe this will help me get into some sort of 'normal' routine.

I am sick of working in some ways just because all I do is work then come home. My life feels empty. I get up to an empty home, come home to an empty home, empty bed. It's hard to take care of yourself as much as I do when I am with someone, it'd be nice to care for a guy and him keep me on track caring for my health. I can tell these past few months that the heartache has taken it's toll as my legs and arms are wobblier with cellulite on my legs and big *** and I need to lose 7kg.

It's tough on your own, you know earning your own way as everything is way more expensive and so your house isn't as nice as it could be either if there were two income earners. But more than that I miss a man's embrace.

I've had therapy for deaths in my family and have got most of one of my main insecurities fixed from having divorced parents and not getting on with one of the step parents who brought me up.

I don't fancy all the men my age as many are bald, others are just after one thing with women our age (or is that just me?) and I want to hold out for the real deal but it's getting tougher and tougher being celibate waiting for this! Men my age just seem to go for younger women or maybe I am still in the OK age bracket, just....if someone finds me soon.

I bet there are a tonne of beautiful women here (outside and inside, or just outside, or just inside) on this site in a similar situation.

What to do? Keep on working in the rat race and save, or then get a new plan I wonder.

It's embarrassing being single too aged 39, don't you think girls?

I too wonder, is it time to give up and realise I may always be alone? Hey, maybe then he will show up.

Hello Ixchella! Please, tell me that you already had found your mate!

get ahold of me horizons then type 196. and thats at yaho.. I guarantee I can help. sorry this stupid site wont let me type it out

I am in your boat and totally understand. I turn 39 years old this month. I have thought everything you have and felt alone at times. I feel I have to justify this to a lot of people who do not understand. I chose never to settle, perhaps that is the problem;) LOL....Well I do see so many people settling or marrying too young. I was proposed to twice in my 20's, but knew I was not ready. I think it is good to listen to your heart and soul, if something isn't right, it just isn't. I am busy in an internship right now and that keeps me busy, but as soon as I am done, I think I will focus more on meeting someone special. I think this is the best time in my life to find someone. I know who I am, where I'm going, and what I want to do for the rest of my life (my passion: teaching). So I feel all these needs are being met and now would be a wonderful time to have a companion to enjoy. There are many ways to meet men, and I do not really want to do the online thing, but it will be a last resort thing. I am joining all these groups to meet friends and possibly a nice guy. I think the best way to meet someone is to do something you really like doing ( a lot) and possibly meet someone that way. If this does not work out, then online dating is my last resort. I have 4 friends who found really great guys on Match, two of them got married already and seem to be happy and in healthy relationships. I think it is important to look for quality because it can be found on online services, but people get stuck on the looks and find a bunch of players. The guys my friends found are kind, average looking, and intelligent. There definitely is hope for those of us who have waited, as I have seen many people find someone great. Also, I think you do have to go out and look for love because just sitting there waiting for someone to fall in lap is not practical these days. A relationship is something most of us want, but I see so many co-dependent relationships here and there. I think for those of us who have waited this long, it may be to our benefit.

I'm feeling this too. I've very very recently broke up with a guy that to me was perfect. He was recently separated and I suppose had 'unfinished' business. Missed his kids and felt guilty. We laughed and we loved. The timing is just wrong. My 39th birthday is looming and before I met him I'd been single for over 3 years. Now I'm empty. So very empty. Im a 'catch'. I'm attractive, intelligent, have a great career, I'm financially stable and have my own house. And I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I too followed the philosophy that love finds you when your not looking. What a pile of crap. So then I started looking. I found him. But now he's gone. I wonder what I did in this life or maybe one before to be left alone and staring at 40 on the horizon. All my friends are married and have someone. I have my son. He's 4. And for him I am so blessed. But right now it feels life's too hard to just keep going. I grew up in a single parent family after my dad died when I was 8. I never wanted to live that as an adult. I just feel so sad so very very sad

100% completely understand what you wrote and could completely identify. <br />
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Also 100% appreciate what allegro1 wrote because it's true and I have been living that life, i.e. flying, embracing my independence, being very comfortable on my own, diving into my personal interests and passions, traveling, building a very strong social network and community around me which prevents me from feeling lonely.<br />
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That said however, as much as I am 100% in agreement with allegro1, I also do think that wanting romantic companionship is a biological, natural and human need. Every person on this planet is hardwired to want that, whether we're a woman living in the limited 60s or an emancipated, privileged, career woman living in the 21st millenium. <br />
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I think I am very balanced, have a healthy outlook on my singledom and have dealt with my singlehood very well. That does not mean however that I do not crave a happy, healthy, loving, supportive and caring relationship, even as an independent woman who is lucky and fortunate enough to have inherited all of these privileges from the women who fought for them before me. <br />
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I am completely anonymous on here and have tweaked facts about myself (including age) to keep my anonymity, but I 100% understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel that I have been cursed and that it is the universe's will to keep me single forever. I don't understand why this should be the case, because it is not at all what I want and I don't believe it is natural or part of human nature either. If that is the universe's plan for me and he or she really does want me to be single for the rest of my life then I really hope the universe will remove this horrible craving and desire for a happy, loving, healthy and supportive relationship I feel inside me.

Well Ixchella, if it's any consulation, I married at 28. He was 25 The man was sweet, caring, composed beautiful piano music, intelligent.etc. We had a great marriage. But in the end, after 11 years of marriage he cheated on me. So now going through a divorce at 42 and staring all over again. So I understand your frustration. It's tough out there. I can't even get anyone to ask me out. And I'm just as balanced as you. Pretty darn easy going. So I've given up. I'm going with Allegro1 on this one. Just going to Fly and be Free instead of beating myself up daily because I can't find "the one"! I have many interests and goals. Just going to stick to those for now! Good luck to you! : )<br />
Liliana

I feel exactly the same. Reading your experience was like I had written it myself. I have actually been tothe Docs this week as pushing 40 not hubby and no kids is really getting me VERY down.<br />
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@allegro1 your comments did cheer me up actually and I know what you are saying is true. But witht he current pressures of life and work it would be nice to have that special someone to come home to and offer support. Good luck lets hope us 39 years old singletons find the love of our lives and live the next 40 years in bliss. xx

Something else to consider. Until very recently, women couldn't have lives of their own. From the beginning of time until around the 1960's, women went from their parents' houses to their husband's houses and were managed like commodities by both. Now get this.<br />
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You can go to school. Have your own bank account. Have your own place. Have a great career. Call your own shots without asking anyone else for their approval. Queen ***** of your castle.<br />
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When women bemoan the lack of some dominant force in their lives (some uber boring hubby) to care for them, every woman before us that longed for our independence literally rolls in her grave. You can go to school; have a stellar career; take lovers if you wish to scratch that itch; keep your life your own.<br />
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For once in the history of mankind, a woman's life truly does belong to herself. Live it up!!!!<br />
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PS: The women that slip into that ancient pattern of codependent connections are morons. It's your show, babe. Fly! Be free!

I feel the exact same way, less nine years. Im 30 and I've given up. I did the whole vision board thing, sought the universe for what I wanted. I met someone who fit my every want, but he skipped me in favor of dating someone else. Now they are happy together and I am left with feeling like the Universe's joke....wanting to be with someone perfect that doesn't want me. It sucks to be able to literally see what you want and knowing you can't have it. That hurts worse than knowing that what you want doesn't exist because now you're sure that it does in face exist....it just doesn't exist for you. I am convinced i will be alone, I just need to come to terms with it.

Came across your story. Your profile doesn't say if your a man or woman. Default profile icon is male. There is lots you can do that you can mold into your own attributes and interests to find a mate. It's just a matter of gender you are and the information is gender specific.