Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study, last year i was the first in my class but now i don't think so... i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 30 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so bad....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa , and even if i pay for a holiday they will not accept me ,i don't know why ....if that guy knows that i'll kill my self he will come to me, but i don't want to tell him, i don't want to make him feel guilty about my depression.

I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life ....i need help.
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Hello hurtedboy, it´s ok if you are gay, it doesn´t matter becouse it´s your life, but please don´t say that you gonna kill you, becouse if you kill yourself, it would be the worst decision that you can take, so please don´t try to do it, and yeah the love is something difficult and strange, but there is a lot of people outside that can love you a lot and accept you so please don´t finish your life for only one, i know that you love him a lot, but no one can be as important as you (for you), becouse is your life, is your love, is your dream, so go on and make your dreams make true, it doesn´t matter if he is not with you, we live in a big world, so you can find someone that can love you, or you can go with him and be happy, but never give up.

how can i live with someone else, how about my first love, the first person who knew about my gay...i would like to begin with someone else, but i can't forget my first love, how can i explain to you, it is realy hard to forget.....
i'm doing my best, and who knows ; within august 30, 2014 maybe i will be there,i wish to.....
thank you for your comment bro....

Good luck, i know you can live a happy life with him, becouse you really love him, my best wishes to you : )