Its Like A Pit Buried Down Deep.

I guess i dont deal with my pain the way healthy people do, when i start getting more pain than i can handle, i push it down, i squash it, and bury it down into the deepest recesses of my heart, it sounds melodramatic, but there is just no other place to put it. It has caused this pit inside me, like a deep abyss of pain and anguish, years of anger and sadness and pain pressed ontop of each other. Its buried, but its been there for so long its more part of who i am than before i had it, its kinda what adulthood is for me.

From the few childhood memories my brain has managed to hold onto with its truly pathetic hippocampus, i do remember a time without it, but that abyss in in almost all my memories. It is always there, just this feeling, usually distant, but recently, with the worst of the depression, obviously not so distant.

Recently, very recently in fact, since i have stopped needing the anti-depressants, i haven't even felt the abyss all the time anymore, but when it is there, its not closer, its more distant than its every been, but its much easier to access. A thought, a memory, music, a scene in a film, it can be only mildly sad, but if it hits the right note, the cover of the abyss is ******** back, and for a moment, i fall in, and i cry, almost uncontrollably. The strange difference is that when i cry, it doesn't feel bad like it used to, its almost freeing, to let it out. The problem is there is so much that i dont think i will ever get rid of it all, and when its not mysteriously gone, and not wide open, its just there, just a tiny weight, sometimes not so tiny.

Funnier still, is that this pit is useful, its been there so long that my personality has formed around it. The sadness keeps me centred, it drives me to help people, and stops me being mean to others. It stops me from taking things too lightly. I sometimes wonder if that pit shows on my face, if that's why i always turn girls off. When im getting to know them, could it be that that deep sadness will flicker across my face for a second?

I honestly don't know who i would be without that sadness to anchor me down, could i be outgoing and a wellspring of happiness, or would i just take nothing seriously, and become reckless and inconsiderate? It has formed the centre of my personality, so is it really that confusing that girls are always pushing me back? I may not know what i would be without it, but i sometimes wish it was gone, because when i cant feel it, i feel so light, like im floating.
MrWinstonSmith MrWinstonSmith
26-30, M
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

Anything buried will resurface eventually, you have to deal with the past at some stage, there are good books on dealing with your emotions, but you are going to need courage. I wish you luck and I will help out if I can, sometimes another perspective can help.