I'm almost 16, so I've had my share of experiences with lots of people. Usually, I just felt like it wasn't working, I wouldn't really like the person after a while, or I'd think I liked them a lot but then they'd break up with me and I'd be like "Oh, that wasn't as devastating as I thought it would be.." The people I've been involved with before usually didn't treat me with a lot of attention or affection. It was always kinda a laid back relationship, and they'd always get bored and leave me, so I felt worthless. I gave up on love. I decided no one would ever love me, and even if they did I probably wouldn't feel much for them just like all the other half-hearted relationships were. I think it was mostly like I was always searching for someone I had lots in common with, someone who could be my best friend and support me despite everything. And no one really provided that. Id have SOME things in common with them, but it wasnt the connection I was constantly searching for. I thought something was wrong with me, that I couldn't experience love. But then I met this girl named Mandy... and there was this instant click. I remember seeing her and thinking "She's so pretty". I always wanted to talk to her but was too shy to approach her. But one day I finally got the courage to talk to her on Facebook. And the rest ishistory...we instantly hit it off. We were both amazed about how much we had in common. There were times when I didn't even have to say anything. We'd just meet each others eyes and smile or laugh because we could TELL we were both thinking the same thing. It was exhilirating. We'd talk on the phone for hours. And she never treated mefor a second like I wasnt important to her. I reminded her every second I could how much I loved her and how beautiful she was, and she did the same for me. We used to have these cute arguments about who was the prettier one xD but she was everythig I had been searching for. Not just a girlfriend, but my best friend too. We liked the same music and agreed on everything
We'd just goof off and laugh at everything when we were together. We both had issues with self-harm and depression, and we looked out for each other. I didnt have to lie or hide anything from her because she understood everything. We tried so hard to help each other get better, and it did work to a degree although we were reluctant to give up self harming altogether. My mom caught onto what was going on, and my mom doesn't approve of my orientation and hated Mandy anyway because she was "weird" and so she told me I wasnt allowed to talk to her anymore. Mandy's mom also found out and of course she is the same way. she flipped out and blamed me for all of Mandy's bad behaviors, and said I was a terrible influence on her daughter. At the moment both of our parents are working together to keep us from being in contact in any way. Her mom is going to try and take us to court(for "stalking " I think... I'm not really sure what the logic behind that is...) and get a restraining order against me..... the day after all this went down, I had to go to a church convention Mandy was also going to. We had adults watching us making sure we didn't talk to one another. Basically the whole time we were there we stared at each other across the room and cried. I had to leave and go to the bathroom a few times because I was bawling and attracting too much attention. It was the most hellish experience of my life. I miss her more than anything. She was this amazing person who got me through everything, and supported me no matter what happened. I can't even talk to her anymore and I'm miserable. I love her, and it's really hard because I'm scared for her. I know her depression is worse than ever now and I can't do a thing about it. We made a promise that we would wait for each other no matter what, and we won't give up. We've been stealing opportunities to communicate anytime we can. We send anonymous messages on tumblr and she logs into her friends Facebook accounts to talk to me and etc. It's really difficult though. People tell me I should let her go, and that it will make me happier. But I can't. I don't know if I'll ever come across another person I have that connection with, and she's everything to me. I can't lose her or I might as well be dead. I don't want to hurt her besides. I don't know what to do. I've been miserable to the point where all my feelings have completely evaporated. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't know why. I just want her back. I want to be able to freely talk to her and hear her voice again and call her every night like we used to and tell her how my day went. I want to see her smile. I miss her so much it becomes physically painful and I don't know what to do.
iwillalwaysrefusetosink iwillalwaysrefusetosink
13-15, F
1 Response Feb 15, 2013

Awwwwww! Dude. I swear to GOD (Even if I don't belive I him :P) You're like every girls dream! If you showed this to her the she would cry for days! I know it has been a year, but I reaally hope that you haven't left her side. I think your parents will understand :3 Xoxo - Alice