I Wish It Were Different....

   I have always been a fragile girl emotionally. I haven't been through a lot of terrible things.... but what I have been through I just can't seem to let go of. It's gotten to the point where the sadness and depression is almost as comfortable as my blankets. Sometimes I just want to wallow in it and when that happens I hate myself for the weakness. My life hasn't been as hard as some, my home life was always loving, not perfect, but I always knew my momma loved me...... But I always felt like something deep inside me was just WRONG. No matter what I do or how much therapy I attend.... I still feel WRONG. It hurts because I'm getting use to the feelings..... It is making having a relationship with anyone including myself almost impossible. It's hard to enjoy your life and the love you have in it if you're busy wondering if they'll wake up one morning and leave. That they'll take their love back and realize that you are so WRONG..... It makes me so insecure and I just can't seem to stop it...


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7 Responses Feb 10, 2009

I'm so sorry for how you've felt during this life, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. The depression covers me as though it is a thick blanket of snow, cooling my heart from warm emotions, preserving my sadness. But what I've learned from this, if anything, is that we need to stay strong not only for other people, but for ourselves too! :) There are good people in the world who will never leave you. Sometimes, it just takes a little time to see who those people are. The people who we were meant to befriend and have close relationships with. We can rise above it and become soaring birds, people who are stronger than rock and can be brave in the face of any obstacle we may face. We can fly over the obstacles, because we are amazing, wonderful, brave, kind-hearted people. I truly hope that since writing this, things have gotten a little better for you. :)

Just try to treat life as light as you can be. And most importantly, kneel and pray to God often. He will help you in every way. Just trust Him. :)
Enjoy life. Worrying too much is bad. Just smile often and believe that you are stronger than your problems and you can eat them all and die down. Never, ever lose hope.

You are not alone. I don't ever quite fit most places I land. I have found however that there are better fits than other fits. Where I work now fits my personality better than a previous job I had although most people thought I fit in better than most after they got to know me that is. I don't really fit where I live now but I am very adaptable so I have made a place for myself as best I can. The old saying Bloom where you are planted has become my motto! I try to fight my internal demons quietly and so others don't see the round peg I am not fitting in the square hole I am in as bad as I feel it. Most people have these feelings at one time or other. You and I may feel this way more often than others but we may feel everything a little stronger than others. I have come to believe that I am hypersenstive. It is almost like I can read emotions coming from people like cartoon drawings with the words above their heads. The problem is that I transfer my own fears into the emotions I feel and then take their emotions too personally. If I were more self confident I could be very helpful being intuitive. As it stands I just can feel the emotions but think they are directed at me. It is not all about us. You may be reading people and feeling people but not understanding why. You may not need to fit in. Bloom where you are at just being you. Don't give up either.

I get sad too. Sometimes nothing can help, but there are other times when walking my dog or listening to my favourite music helps. Imagination can help too, fantasy can be our own personal reality and it helps me escape the sadness for a while. I understand you.

Aww you're so sweet Wynteri! <br />
The bad thing about guilt is that the only one it hurts is You! I just have to give that over to God and let Him deal with it!! Lol

I feel like that sometimes too! My problem, is guilt!!! I have a Constant guilt-trip for stupid decisions I have made throughout my life! Especially when it comes to my children and family! <br />
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I've lived with the guilt for so long, that I don't remember what it was like to live guilt-free!

You sound like I once did ...... as if you are viewing the world through a glass pane and you are not quite part of it.