My Family Circle of Pain


 I have so much sadness inside me there is no room for nothing else .I come from a family of 8.  brothers 3 and 4 sister's and myself .We was always very close to each other And in one day one second our world turned upside down.My baby sister age 28 whom I loved so had 3 living children her husband no good left her and she lived with my parents she had a little one age no even 2 yet when she meets this young guy and starts dating him he was wild she began to party and drink she was always getting a baby sitter for the youngest one and me and my husband decided to keep him when she went out .Out of nowhere at 7 in the morning My in laws was at my door knocking Said they needed to tell us something and it was bad I knew it had to be my family and it was going to be bad so I ran to the bathroom screaming I don't want to know for some reason I felt death.They began to tell me my baby sister age 28 burned in a house fire All I remember is going to the floor screaming it can't be true.

I had her baby that weekend and he heard the screams and out he came from the bedroom I just grabed him and held on.Within the next few hours my world became even darker I arrived at my daddy's home and had to pass were she burned you could still smell the smoke And see the smoke as you passed,with in a hour we find out she was murdered then burned up and that she had a baby inside her she had not told us the family about being Pg.So we were devestated beyond reason.

As the days passed brothers and sisters days with no sleep and it was so bad that one by one was taken out by ambulance from lack of sleep.When we would lay down to rest we would be woke by one of the siblings screaming from night mares .I remember screaming I had no legs and they got me up to walk me and I hit the floor because we were told her legs were burned off.

The law had some good ideas as to whom murdered her they shipped her body to WashingtonDC.We had to wait 7 months before her body arrived back in the state we planned her service ,This wait was awful didn't see her so you still kind of thinking this will not be true and one guy was arrested he was seen leavin the home as the fire was started .He spent one year in jail and released in court we had the worst law system ever they let this guy walk and we are now considered a closed unsolved case even tho we know if the right people was in office judgeist would come.They were 3 involved in taking her life.

So here year 09 her death still unsolved and our hearts heavy .R,I,P. Kimberly and baby Shawn.

Then as we all struggle to try to gain some kind of life back year 03 get a phone call my oldest brother Overdosed and we again devestated ,Something was not right about his death and we knew it and we spoke to a few people high up and 2 months ago we find my older brother was murdered by his brother in laws and one has already gone to prision and the other in March.We knew his death was not right we just had a feeling and we was so right.So again after trying to recover from that pain the wound s opened repeatedly since 03.

Then while tryiong to pick up the shattered pieces of our lifes In 05 My mother was put under Hospic care and we sat by her bed side and watched her take her last breath My mother had a long illness and it was very hard to watch her suffer to the end .At this point one would say Why God and were to I find peace here on this earth .We at this point many on medicine for panic attacks and such our nerves was shot .Thinking we can't handle no more .

Year 07 after loosing my Mother all in same day we were told my dad had cancer and late that evening we find out my baby sister whom had 3 children also one  with disabilitys ,We got the news she had Brain Cancer and was givin 3 months tops to live.

Ok now we once again face hell.My sister age 40 with 3 children to raise was going to die we whats left of my family Now try to get her the best care possible heavy burdened in our hearts as we so needed a healing And my daddy having bladder cancer at the same time .So we do our best with what is left of our nerves and  only to loose her on December the first 07.And we whom was left did not leave her side and This was the worst thing I think my mind could handle and that will always leave me with the images in my mind as we watched her suffer in the most in humane ways.We was asking God to pull the breath of life out of her suffering little body .But her battle to live was long and hard .Asking ourselfs now what is the reason of life at all for us anyway.As we prepare to lay her body to rest .ok now you have a total of 6 children that have lost there mothers and fathers was lost to drugs in other states .

We are now just numb walking around trying to face each day get up and try to go on .Then I had went to see my Dr and he sent me to a depression group that day .I felt a tiny bit better when I get home I decided to lay my head down and rest when I hear my husband screaming Oh no not Jim.My daddy ,my hero my friend fell dead 2 months after my sissy passed with cancer Feb.07 .

So we made the arrangements and  buried our daddy!There now Feb!0th-)09.there are 4 of us left walking here on this earth feeling beaten ans shattered to pieces.Trying to give our neices and nephews a life of some kind.And I now suffer serious depression and I am so angery that I have to live my life this way.

It is so hard to smile its hard to face each day and my doctor can't say anything to me except some people just have awful lifes to live Wow what a thing to say .

So I am age 45 soon and I am so sad all the time feeling so much loss and hopefulness and I am to the point I can't think good anymore I have very little energy motivation is gone and I have fault to just keep my sanity.And today as of now Feb 10th I woke to face another day .

Not knowing what today will hold I put one foot in front of the other and walk on  my journey to survive this cruel awful world we live in .

I am sorry if this bothers you to read but thisis my sadness shared with you .

              Thanks for letting me Share


farruggia farruggia
5 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Me have autism and now me cant stpo crying me sooooooooo sorry

I'm soo sorry to hear about your family tragedies .. You have to takecare of yourself in order to care for your nieces and nephews.. Try to pray before you sleep.. Find hope in the simplest of things..God Bless and stregthen you;)

I don't know what to say,you are stronger than i am,hope you get some closure on your grief,try talking to others on this web site,you might feel better if you know you are not alone.<br />
best wishes for the future.

Oh, man.... I feel the pain.<br />
The story I was always told:<br />
In 1966, my [pregnant] mother was set to marry my 'father' in Kentucky- until his FIRST wife showed up with the county sherrif, with the accusation of "bigamy".<br />
Wow, WTF.... esp to hear the story 25 years later from an aunt.<br />
Well, that explains why we [my twin and I] never heard from 'Dad' all those years... but we sure 'enjoyed' those fatherless years with our alcoholic uncle: [make a distinction: there are 'mean' drunks' and 'a******e" drunks..."]<br />
I had such a great time, spenidng our childhood in bars...learning to box, so that my 'uncle' would be amused with the exhibition of his 2 nephews fighting....<br />
Be that as it may...<br />
I have [somehwat] managed to move on: relatively succussful career, etc]; my twin has NOT. ...I will support him to the day I die- that is my duty. <br />
<br />
This story may not 'help' you, but realize this: your story is not unique. You are NOT alone. Suffering is not devoid of a 'reason'- only the Deity[s] know the ultimate purpose.

This is what life is. It wasn't because of her.. it was no ones fault. Unfortanatley this is life. And you'll be with her soon. This was bound to happen someday.. Just live your life happy and know she will always be in your heart and you physically lost her.. but emotioinally she will be there in ur heart for eternity. It would kill her to see you sad. Be happy but let her know you will always love her.