Emotionally Switched Off.

I have been with my husband for over 15 years. The last 8years I have been emotionally switched off.
This was an emotional survival instinct.
He has changed his ways but I can not seem to turn the switch back on.
I feel as though the damage has been done and actually the more affection he show me the more I want to push him away.
I feel as though my giving myself back to him would somehow justify the behaviors that were and the damages done.
I also feel as though I would be breaking a promise I made to myself to never be hurt by him again.
wildkittn wildkittn
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 11, 2012

You say... " the more affection he shows you the more you want to push him away".

Just continue doing that and he will leave you. Eventually.

I think you missed the point, I resented all the attention and affection because it came years after I needed and wanted it. I resented it because I deserved to have been treated well the whole time & not just when he realized I was ready to leave.

That is exactly how I feel. She only made an effort to stop being angry when she realized I'd reached the point of divorce. Really??? That is what makes you modify your behaviour? I don't trust that if I ever am in a vulnerable place again that she won't again take advantage of me.

Since writing this I have left, I'm on my own and trying to find my way back to my true path. I feel good, I stay up late, I wake up early under an open window, I feel like good things are going to happen. I'm excited for life, adventure and I feel free:)

dear wildkitten, great! Go out and enjoy your freedom, and your new life, never, never, ever go back! He is never going to change and be the man you want, get your self together and when the time is right, the right man will appear, I have seen it happen time after time, once you find your real self, then someone else will see it also,
Darlingrose

I can so relate to this. I've been married for 16 years next month. The last 4 I have been emotionally detached from him. I've held him down when he had no job, when his car got repossessed while he was struggling. I have finally realized my husband is verbally abusive to me & our kids. Also he probably has border line personality disorder. I never know how he will be from day to day. Or hour. He can be mad at me @ 12 & by 2 a different person is in front of me. I have not been a angel but I don't deserve his abuse. I'm emotionally drained. I'm so ready to leave & move on with my life without him. I will in time just have to get some things together. Like you I've tried repeatedly but I get hurt over & over again. I know exactly how you feel

I just switched off a few months ago. I warned him repeatedly, but he never changed for more than a week. It is also a survival instinct for me. It's too hard to care so much and get nothing back. I have cried very hard about it over the last couple years. My husband thinks everything can be fixed with hugs. It's irritating.
I'm very nice to him now because we have to live together, but being around him is irritating for me. I've told him to back off on affection because I need time, but I don't know if I'll ever want him back again. I want to for the sake of our child, so I just keep hoping. In the meantime, I've offered him an open marriage. I want us both happy. He doesn't want it, but he may change his mind over time.
Good luck!

I'm not sure what to say,, so I wont say anything,, but feel so much for you and wish you the best,,,

Thank you, this is my first post here and it means a lot that someone read it and it meant something :)

After 27 yrs of marriage my X became "switched off " also,,,, its complicated and I would rather not air it to the world,,but 1 night she said she loves us but couldnt live with us and left,,,,

How have you been dealing with it. I ask for selfish reasons because the same thing has happened with me. After 20+ years
She said she is sorry & feels guilt over "hurting me" but does not want to be married to me anymore.