By The Peoples Whos Opinions Count

guys have always told me I am ugly

even my family put me down and told me I was ugly

and when they did say something nice you could tell it was false compliment

I mean its hardly the done thing to out and out say to some ones face at a wedding

"BY GOD YOU LOOK VERY UGLY IN THAT. AND YOU HAIR LOOKS SPASTIC, AND YOU HAVE A FACE LIKE A BLOATED FUNGUS ON A WHALE"

but its the way they say things, its the giggles and the tone they give 98 out of a 100 times you see them that says it all.

and then you do know what they are thinking of you by the way they treat you.


like I seen my cousin elizabeth have death adder eyes at me when her marriage was breaking down ... each time she took it out on me

not ever wondering to herself how life may have been complete hell for me that she never seen or noticed

its funny how people are so quick to judge the polite goodness in others hearts and yet always leave it til its too late to help or show any real care.

I am too old now to care.   there are so many things that I didn't know at the time ... I never knew who bugsy was when he came to see my parents in the 70s and 80s...

I did not know who a lot of people were. its not like they bothered to really talk to me or show me any time of day.   nor did they introduce themselves

I was supposed to always guess ...


when I look back on the false things that Rick was saying to me in the most condescending of ways ... there was not one word I could have taken seriously


all I seen was a faker and a user. just like william, and michelle, ken, leigh and joyce etc


there the sort of people that you know to avoid. 


why is it I am surrounded by such toxic people ?   who have made me so ill   !!!!!    why does the pattern keep happening?


I don't really care if I am ugly or not really.  I don't care for love anymore the way I used to as a teen or in my twenties. 

there was just nothing about me that was ever good enough. 


what do you do when nothing matters?


why is it that every 7 or so years I meet Dutch people who take me down and ruin my life ?

why do Dutch people need to ***** people of everything for their perverted dirty little minds?

why are dutch people so evil?  its the race and breed of the dutch itself that is the problem .. they are a culture that only know how to destroy like a few others they really should be put together and just blow up the whole world and stop the weirdoness they go on with. dutch people mean nothing to me I don't care what they think of me as such.  you never know I may find a nice one out there somewhere one day.   the dutch actually do like making women feel and look ugly.   so do a few other cultures like the british and irish and scotish...

I have no doubt there is other cultures than just dutch that hate my genetic heritage ...


I wish I understood the world ... but I think it must be the sign of aging when you start think "why care to try to understand the world or people why they do what they do?"  its the sign of aging when you resign yourself to being alone forever and being just as grateful for it ... than if you had had a full life being loved by guys heaps of guys physically who actually came to see you on their own initiative and showed some care. you just who cares its a life boring and dull but its a life till you die.   and what has beauty got to do with that.


I love death... I read today that one of the  mummies was beautifully layed out ... with the queens pose and hair etc and who is to say that a few thousand year old corpse isn't just as beautiful as alive people... I am not an expert however LOL but some people may look more beautiful in death than life?

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
May 25, 2012