Toxic..

Ever since I was little, I can remember my father being abusive. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Back then, it was MOSTLY towards my mother. Then one day, she decided she would bury her issues and abuse under a crack-cocaine addiction. Thus, resulting in a divorce between her and my father. Messy, doesnt even begin to explain all the proceedings of their splitting up. Living in shelters, to grandmas house, to back with my dad. Until that last one was where we finally resided after he got full custody of us.(5 girls) Fast forward, until I was 15.. About 6 years later.. It was my sophomore year. About a month in, my dad comes up with this idea for me to homeschool; To "help him out". Now, Although I was a straight A student, popular, and happy to get away from my home life, I HATED the school I was at. I am really big on professionalism, and none of the staff had that. They would talk about everything under the sun with students from sex, to drugs, to parties, etc. and dont even get me started on the favoritism. AND THIS WAS A CHARTER SCHOOL. and being that going to a public school wasnt an option, I JUMPED on the opportunity to homeschool. Which, turned out to be the biggest mistake of my entire life. No sooner than a couple months later. My dad had me doing EVERYTHING! While he "slipped into depression". I was cooking, cleaning, running ALL the errands. Grocery shopping, going to pay the bills (he did provide the money) taking the kids to school every morning and picking them up, taking them to all their activities, when we needed anything or anybody needed to go anywhere, It was my "obligation" to get it done. And I have a sister thats older than me. She was playing sports, having a bf, living the HELL outta her life. Meanwhile, I was being forced to be an adult in place of a junkie and a lazy, egotistical, cynical, manipulative, abusive *******. As you might have guessed, a lot of resentment resulted from this. I had no social life, no family life really, couldnt go anywhere cause everytime i tried to "something needed to be done".. I literally feel trapped. And I say feel because this is the same situation Im in. Im now 18. And because of the ample amount of "obligations" I had, I drastically fell behind on my schoolwork. I know that if I had the time I could breeze through my classes. But between being a mother and father to my little sisters, and being depressed and crying in my 2 seconds of spare time. I find it extremely difficult. Also due to my depression and no spare tome to exercise, ive gained weight. im 5'4 about 210.. Now, I have never been one to hold my tongue, I have always let my dad know nothing less than how I felt. I cut into him more times than I can remember. It might have been disrespectful. But I never said '**** you' I never made shallow statements demeaning his character. It was more so along the lines of "im tired and want to live my life so could you stop making sorry excuses and at least HELP ME!" ..which at that point he always returns fire.. "You fat *****.. Sorry *** dropout.. You aint never did a damn thing for me".. Then when I try to leave, he literally stands in front of the door and slams me to sit the **** down then talks to me for hours on end about how he loves me and appreciates me and needs me and dont know what he would do without me.. Then when he see's I dont budge, he hits my weak spot and brings my sisters into it.. "Your sisters need you, are you really gonna leave them.. At that point I always give in. I would feel so much guilt if I left my sisters with him. Leaving them to suffer the abuse. I'd go through all of this x10 to guard them from having to go through even a little bit. They've already had two parents give up on them, im all they had left, I cant give up on them. I came to this site hoping to find someone with maybe a similar experience or situation. I dont usually talk about my problems, mostly because I have noone to talk to.. I try to talk to my older sister, but for somebody that never had to endure the same things, not only can they not understand but they cant offer sufficient support. Also because I hate feeling like im complaining im used to jus being strong and taking things in stride and telling myself that things will get better and I will be blessed. but that mind frame doesnt always work. And for the older people out there, please do not look at my age for what it is. For age is not simply the number of years you've been alive but for how long you've had to accumulate knowledge. So many times I find people mostly in my family who tell me Im jus going through a child phase, ill get over it. Or people dont really take me seriously. Im very mature, Im have ample intellect. Im jus looking for a little support or motivation. Because the abuse is getting to be a little too much. And a little support can go a long way. And Id very much get joy out of helping someone get through while they help me at the same time. Oh by the way, my little sisters are 15,13&12.. Even if I get no responses, I thankfully appreciate this website for allowing people not only a network of support but a chance to tell their story.
AbusednBroken AbusednBroken
18-21, F
Dec 8, 2012