The Addiction...the View...the Confusion

Latly drugs have been in my life pretty heavily. I wish I could actually say that I like doing them, or actually feel better when I do. I never really reach the high I'm trying for. When I'm almost to where I think I'm going to be satisfied with it, it's gone just as fast. What little thrill I used to get has passed, and new people and places have just turned to dead conversations, tired eyes, and wasted minds. The places even lost their life. Where a home should or used to be now remains four walls keeping them from the reality that lies beyond them...... Everyone always waiting for the next "fix" to numb them into denial of whats real and what they think is real. For every "fix" they think is keeping them going is actually taking them further away from themselves and everyone else. I sit back and watch everyone working for and devoting themselves to the their only way to feel a sort of ****** up reality....People are always coming and going never staying long. Just enough to get through whats needed at that moment in time. Only to disappear shortly after. Moving to the next moment. They never really get anywhere, just continuing the motions. Fearing that if they slow down it will become the end......So as I'm watching everyone pass by, stuck and surviving trying to figure out how they got there or how to help them. I remember I'm right next to them doing the same thing that they rely so much on. So how do you help someone you are joining???...I do not think that I am better than anyone, or that I can be justified for doing what I do, But I've kept my connection to reality. Well maybe I'm not so much connected to it, but I still feel it, and want it more than ever. So maybe thats why I chase the high without finding satisfaction because I'm not looking for the feeling as much as I am the control. I want it because I finally get to control my life in some way. Even destroying it lets me feel I'm still in charge of something. I think that makes me in a more ****** up situation than they are...They know what they want, where to go, and how to get it. While I don't have a damn clue what I want, so that leads to not knowing where to go, and resulting in where I'm stuck now, not knowing how to get it. There are so many things I can and want to do, but putting them into the places they belong so I can make the big picture is where I fail. So here I am lots of pretty little pieces, without any glue to hold them together...... I've picked and disected drugs and the people who use them so much. That I don't even get to abuse them the right way.........WOW thats a new one. I've failed being a junkie, still trying to understand that one.
powerinthepeace powerinthepeace
26-30, F
7 Responses May 11, 2012

Thankyou. Your not alone just far away.

You're very welcome.

I never was big on drinking or smoking or drugs. I just didn't really feel called to it. But sometimes times are dark and I'm looking for something to shake things up, something to make anything better. I tried to use alcohol to make me feel better, but it didn't really stick. I was surprised. I really thought if I dived into alcohol, I'd become addicted. I'm still looking for my solution to the yearning within me.

I don't suggest even trying to find an escape with substances such as drugs and alcohol. It's decieveing and will bring you nothing but sorrow. Find peace with in yourself without the added elements...I lost a lot while using, and I will never get those things and chances back..keep onto it while you have the chance.

Thank you very much Oscar for the feedback! Truly great to hear.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have an extremely addictive personality. I have been addicted to alcohol, cigarettes and pot. I've never done the hard drugs because I know how addictive my personality is. I was too scared I would like it and want more. The bad thing about an addiction.... it gets to the point where its all you think about. "Where am I gonna get my next fix?" It becomes your life. Every waking moment is spent either partaking in the addiction or trying to find the addiction. And you are never completely satisfied. I actually just yesterday decided to give up pot. I don't really believe that pot is a drug, but the truth is that anything can become an addiction. And when it becomes an addiction, it becomes a problem. I am admitting that I have a problem. The first step obviously. And you have done the same. So you have already taken the first step to recovery. Now you just need to commit to giving it up. The fact that you actually want to fix this problem... I think that's a huge step. You may have to separate yourself from the crowd of people you hang out with for a while. As long as you are exposed to the problem, you will always have that temptation. I really hope you can figure things out. Good luck :)

sounds like you're doing alright to me, it took me well into my thirties to grasp much of what you're talking about here [nice writing by the way] - and there's nothing wrong with doubting yourself [in moderation] - certainty itself can be deadly [there is no evil action that isn't preceded by certainty] - a strong will with poor intuition soon wrecks itself

i can help u a bit more concerning ur mind.. wait a bit i will post it i. ur inbox and im happier that i found u. . sorry it took so long :-

Wow, simply wow, :) i am not sure how to start this but believe it or not i am right there with u!!<br />
Last year i was in the exact position and today i still am in what concerns the reality of my existence and the people, but one thing that has helped me progress is the following www.love-themeaningoflife.com im am 100% that u will benefit from some of the things there, the man there offers personal help too and i have no words to describe how kind and helpful he has been towards me.<br />
<br />
After alot of reading and suffering searching and thinking i found out that the best thing i can possibly achieve in my life is to offer kindness understanding and love towards those i dont even know. So here is my attemp to introduce u to a brand new life, one that belongs to u alone and only u have responsibility over it. Not only by doing drugs but hoping u could get confirmed that yearning which lies deepest in ur heart. I have been smoking weed for many years trying to reach the high u speak of and forget my past forget the way the world is and the injustice of it all but voila it has only made things worse especially when under the influence. I dont get how i could have been so foolish to keep doing over and over expecting a different result. But i came to realise that its not so much the injustice of others or the external that was the problem. The problem was deep within and due to the fact that i dont really know who and what i am but i freaking have the right to ask and not submit to either preffered beliefs or those imposed on me'<br />
Its like my cup has been filled with so much crap and going on with all that crap inside my cup(mind) will only make my life and others lives worse. Emptying the cup is hard but u and I should become passers-by of such things that dont do it for us, for me its all the competition for material wealth a,d security. I also found that love is the only thing thats worth investing in its also the right way in my opinion. if u were born in a world of only loving people things wouldnt have turned out this way for either of us. But in this world people who love are taken advantage of, people a left to coform to the ways of the world or left to suffer until they do. Truth is oppresed and hardly ever recognized but this will change. Because u and i will make a difference in this world so please help. U will find out exactly how :)<br />
<br />
Bless u and may u find all that ur looking for<br />
Peace

I've been searching and praying a year and a half, for that one piece of advice, help, or wall to break down to let me get the strength to take even one tiny step forward, and you just wrote it in a reply. It's like I was stuck in a deep dark hole, no way out and nobody coming in. Then by some wonderful chance you found my little hole and threw me a rope. So I'm still in this hole and my struggle is still there, but now my rope (you) will give me my chance to inch. my way up and eventually out of this hole. So I can't even begin to thank you enough. The worst part and most confusing is that I'm not depressed, or hate my life. So I never showed many warning signs to people who cared around me. Then resulting in the help that never got given, or helped with that I couldn't find in myself to do myself. So how I got to this point I'm not really quite sure, but somewhere along there I felt that my life wasn't enough. It had to be more. I know I can be a strong and powerful person but when all you have is the fuel and nothing to put it towards or where to go, where I belonged. I put myself to where I knew or thought I knew I couldn't mess up or control. So I picked up the drugs, and then my drive kicked in and started to push the limits. Well when my limits weren't being met the way I wanted them to I became frustrated, frustration turned to more drugs and more drugs led to my deeper hole.

People close to me have always told me that I couldn't save the world... I've always responded with, it's not going to stop me from trying. I've always seen people and the world differently. My mind is a blessing and a curse. I can do very powerful things with it, or destroy anything I set it to. Luckily I don't use it negatively towards other people for any reason..but myself I can stop from anything, without even being aware it's happening so how do I change something I haven't figured out how to control. I get so tired trying to slow my mind down. it's always on overload never stopping. To try to give you a little glimps of what happens every second and situation I come across will hopefully help see how hard it get to control. So here goes.

#1 The Problem
- Situation 1
- Situation 2
- Situation 3
- Situation 4

(Tips: ^ this represents everyday things big or small that happen in one moment. In this one moment I have 4 things I am trying to solve at the same time.)

#2 The foundation
- Situation 1
a) Avoid
b) Comfort
c) Out Come
d) Forget
- Situation 2
a) Protect
b) Relieve
c) Uplift
d) Move Forward
- Situation 3
a) Stay Calm
b) Divert
c) Front
d) Fight or Flight
- Situation 2
a) Goal
b) Motivation
c) Pros &amp; Cons
d) Act

(Tips: ^ this one shows the basic process each different situation goes through to attempt to solve it or let it go. So still being only one moment my 4 situations just broke down to 16 seperate parts all working to be fixed at one time.)

#3 The Break down
- Situation 1
- a) Example:
-
-
-
-
- b) Example:
-
-
-
-
- c) Example:
-
-
-
-
- d) Example:
-
-
-
-

(Tips: ^ So as you can see the break down has happened and Situation 1 just went from 4 parts to, 4 parts with each part haveing their own 4 parts causing it to expand to 20 parts all in it's own. Then haveing Situation 2,3,4 all working the same way to solve. Making the craziness explode to 80 parts all going through at once. While still trying to keep it together)


#4 Overload and mixup

kldsjflkjskljfiuweoirjd,a.smn,m , akljsdfkjasdklfj
Situation 3 Situation 1

asdasdasd Situation 2
Situation 4 alkjsdakljsdlakjsdlkajsd

#5 Pick up pieces and Start over
- So here I clear the wreckage so I can start over and try again. I over think and over analyze everything to the point of destroying them. I can't take one Situation at a time it's not what my brain will allow. It's always on go when I just need it on slow. So as much as I try it only wears me out more. I could do great things if I could get a handle. I know I sound like a crazy person. lol I guess this is how I find my self in stupid situation like drugs. I get to control the drugs and it distracts my brain, but stops me from getting any where.


Your help has meant alot and it gives me so much strength and hope. Now all I have to do it Connect it. Thank you so very much and I hope nothing but peace and happiness to you! =)