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The Past Shaped My Addictive Character

My life is not long but I have experienced a lot of addictions. Drinking, smoking, even food for the most part. Currently I am transitioning from food to cigarettes since I don't want to get any fatter. I know It's wrong but since I suffer from a binge eating disorder I believe that the cigarettes I smoke won't be as harmful as the amounts of food I stuff my face with every day. I am only slightly overweight but I want to stop it before it gets out of control.
Addictions wrote my whole family story. My mother was addicted to losing weight and she first did it by anorexia, then she was an alcoholic bulimic. That is when you drink so that you can purge. I did that once and felt horrible, I can't imagine how she's managed to do it for years. She naturally became addicted to the alcohol itself as well. She was also a heavy smoker. Almost all of it went away when she married my father. And she really met her match there. Also a heavy smoker and a recovered alcoholic. Then, when I was 6 s**t started to happen. He started drinking again and within just a few months he moved away, drank heavily every single day and took his own life under the influence of alcohol. A year after that my mother remarried. He was also an alcoholic. At first the drinking was moderate but as the time progressed it got worse. They divorced and he died alone in his apartment due to liver failure caused by drinking. Then, after two years she found a new domestic partner and yet another man moved in with us. He was OK at first but then his son, a drug addict moved in with us and stole a lot of stuff and insult me and all that s**t. That wrecked the relationship between my mother and that man and it ended two years later when he came after me and my mother with a knife. At that point he began drinking a lot more too. He refused to move out so he lived with us for the next 2 months. It was like being held hostage. Finally he moved out but kept stalking my mother and saying he's going to kill her. After about a month of stalking he jumped off of a bridge. That caused my mother to start drinking heavily. That's when my bulimia started. I was addicted to food my whole life and food was my coping mechanism. Then I saw the bulimia didn't get the weight off I wanted to get rid off all of my life and turned to anorexia. Then my mother finally saw me being destroyed by eating disorders and stopped drinking but only for a little while. She now drinks every day, but not too much, she can still function but talking to her is a challenge. I have since struggled with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder. I will try to recover by using cigarettes as a substitute. I tried healthy eating and exercise and all the healthy lifestyle tips and it never lasts since I always get out of control and binge.
It would all be different if I had someone else in my life other than these people, but I don't. All of my grandparents were dead by the time I was 9, both of my parents were an only child just as I am, and I had no one to save me from all this. Now I am trying to find a light but with only a tipsy mother in the other room, I don't have the strength to even try to cope with this, so I find my medicine. At the moment it's going to be a lovely cigarette and a glass of chilled coke zero. I just have the absolute determination in my head that my children will never ever have to experience the childhood I had.
P.S. Sorry for the giant story. I have a big story and a passion for writing so I just vented here. My soul feels relieved.
WishingForWings WishingForWings 18-21, F Jun 1, 2012

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