Never Ending

I have always been addicted to something, as long as I can remember. It might be rooted in my OCD, I'm not sure. My two worst addictions are caffeine and nicotine, but only because they are legal, I'm sure that if pot and speed were legal I'd still be hooked on them as well. Especially pot, started smoking about 20 years ago and spent all that time in a pot haze, everyday smoker, even of course smoking it at exactly the same time everyday. Sometimes I still dream of it, but I gave it up for my daughter, it's not worth losing her. But the problem is I still usually drink so much caffeine I have an occasional rapid heart beat. I love smoking and have never even attempted to quit. I become obsessed with routine, different foods, I eat the same thing over and over at the same time every day until I can't swallow it anymore. I have previously been addicted to any and everything you can imagine, except drugs that need to be injected, no needles thank you. Sometimes like today I worry that my life is just a never ending cycle of repetition and needing. It becomes so frustrating, so exhausting to keep it up but something inside of me won't let me stop, no matter how hard I try.
GypsyTransient GypsyTransient
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

I totally relate to this. Since i can remember i too have always needed a vice or outlet, and all of them were self destructive. Cigs, eating disorders, pills, caffeine, weed, alcohol, anything that makes me feel something. It's a confusing cycle and i don't know what it is we are searching for, but we are searching for something. And using crap that only makes us feel more lost in the end. Hug.