Life Is a Vicious Cycle
Sometimes it feels like life is stuck in a continuous loop. Some people "loop" different things. I loop addictions. I pick them up quite quickly and easily. I'd like to explore these, and see if I can learn from them by seeing common links.
The first addiction to come into my life was smoking. I began smoking at 17, because all of my coworkers at the restaurant did. I didn't smoke daily until I was 19, and I didn't inhale for a lot of those two years. I simply didn't know how. When I was 19, I got a 'smoking room' at school. I then started smoking daily. I tried to quit a few times, but it was never more than a week. I got up to a pack and a half a day, over two if I was at a party. I could go through a whole pack in 5 hours of drinking. I smoked a lot. Even when I was sick and coughing, I would smoke. I'd stand outside in the bitterly cold weather to smoke. I managed to quit smoking this April, with the help of nicotine replacement (I'm now nicotine free) and a support group. This is one of my greatest accomplishments to date. Along with finishing college.
I became a binge drinker at 18 and a half, when I went to school. I drank heavily for the next three years, and slowly stopped drinking as much. I started drinking more heavily when I turned 23, because I was in a new environment with friends who drank. I went out a lot, mostly on the weekends. When I switched shifts at 25 and a half, I started going out more, especially after work. This slowly tapered off as well, but I began drinking daily in the late summer of 2006, at 28 and a half. One day in September, when I woke up wanting to drink my problems away, I realized that I had a problem. I stopped drinking all together on October 1st. It's been a miserable battle that I've been fighting alone. I've not gotten support or help at all. It wasn't until this month that I was able to admit that I was an alcoholic. It wasn't a "problem". I was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I would like to join a support group, but I don't know if the 12 step thing would work for me. It is something to think about.
I started using drugs at 20. I smoked a lot of pot, and did ecstacy a few times. I was always too scared to try anything else. I did smoke opium once, because I didn't know that the pot had opium on it. When I was 21, I smoked pot almost daily. It became my sleeping aid. I'd smoke with my roommate and then go to bed. I'd sleep like a baby, a dreamless, deep sleep. There are times I still long to sleep like that. The reason I quit doing drugs was because of a car accident. I was a passenger in a car (both of us sober) that was hit by a driver who was high. Luckily, no one in our car was injured, and I decided that if he was messed up enough to almost kill us, I didn't want anything to do with drugs anymore. I smoked pot once or twice after that, but I've been clean for over 6 years.
I've have little struggles with prescription meds, but not of the opiate variety. Flexeril (Cyclobenziprine) was a particularily tough battle. Because of the aforementioned car accident, I live with chronic back pain. It's gotten a lot better, but it's a struggle. I also started liking Benzos a little too much. When I need something to GET to sleep, it has become a problem. Xanax was also affecting my everyday life, and I was groggy ALL the time. I have laid off these, and haven't taken any for over a week.
I just get scared sometimes. Like, "What's next?" What is the next addiction that will have to be conquered?? I don't like doing this all the time. It's emotionally and physically draining!
more to come........