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Life Is a Vicious Cycle

Sometimes it feels like life is stuck in a continuous loop. Some people "loop" different things. I loop addictions. I pick them up quite quickly and easily. I'd like to explore these, and see if I can learn from them by seeing common links.

The first addiction to come into my life was smoking. I began smoking at 17, because all of my coworkers at the restaurant did. I didn't smoke daily until I was 19, and I didn't inhale for a lot of those two years. I simply didn't know how. When I was 19, I got a 'smoking room' at school. I then started smoking daily. I tried to quit a few times, but it was never more than a week. I got up to a pack and a half a day, over two if I was at a party. I could go through a whole pack in 5 hours of drinking. I smoked a lot. Even when I was sick and coughing, I would smoke. I'd stand outside in the bitterly cold weather to smoke. I managed to quit smoking this April, with the help of nicotine replacement (I'm now nicotine free) and a support group. This is one of my greatest accomplishments to date. Along with finishing college.

I became a binge drinker at 18 and a half, when I went to school. I drank heavily for the next three years, and slowly stopped drinking as much. I started drinking more heavily when I turned 23, because I was in a new environment with friends who drank. I went out a lot, mostly on the weekends. When I switched shifts at 25 and a half, I started going out more, especially after work. This slowly tapered off as well, but I began drinking daily in the late summer of 2006, at 28 and a half. One day in September, when I woke up wanting to drink my problems away, I realized that I had a problem. I stopped drinking all together on October 1st. It's been a miserable battle that I've been fighting alone. I've not gotten support or help at all. It wasn't until this month that I was able to admit that I was an alcoholic. It wasn't a "problem". I was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I would like to join a support group, but I don't know if the 12 step thing would work for me. It is something to think about.

I started using drugs at 20. I smoked a lot of pot, and did ecstacy a few times. I was always too scared to try anything else. I did smoke opium once, because I didn't know that the pot had opium on it. When I was 21, I smoked pot almost daily. It became my sleeping aid. I'd smoke with my roommate and then go to bed. I'd sleep like a baby, a dreamless, deep sleep. There are times I still long to sleep like that. The reason I quit doing drugs was because of a car accident. I was a passenger in a car (both of us sober) that was hit by a driver who was high. Luckily, no one in our car was injured, and I decided that if he was messed up enough to almost kill us, I didn't want anything to do with drugs anymore. I smoked pot once or twice after that, but I've been clean for over 6 years.

I've have little struggles with prescription meds, but not of the opiate variety. Flexeril (Cyclobenziprine) was a particularily tough battle. Because of the aforementioned car accident, I live with chronic back pain. It's gotten a lot better, but it's a struggle. I also started liking Benzos a little too much. When I need something to GET to sleep, it has become a problem. Xanax was also affecting my everyday life, and I was groggy ALL the time. I have laid off these, and haven't taken any for over a week.

I just get scared sometimes. Like, "What's next?" What is the next addiction that will have to be conquered?? I don't like doing this all the time. It's emotionally and physically draining!

more to come........

BunnyButt BunnyButt 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 29, 2007

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Wow is all I can say: your addiction patterns and ages that they started are EXACTLY like mine. Started smoking the summer I turned 17, binge chronic drinker at 18 in college, major depression followed by isolation, heavy use of mdma and weed by 19-20. 21 now, still hooked to cigarettes, partying too much to give up mdma but will in time, i only have 1 body and 1 brain but addictions don't let you see that... I have been sober (from alcohol) for 3 weeks though thanks to Antabuse. I really recommend trying it for people who don't trust their will power - I for sure cannot control myself. AA could never help me like this drug does.

aww man kid. You do have a super addictive nature! Just take one day at a time I guess, focus on how you can stay away from as much **** as you can...easy for me to say because I've never really been addicted to anything. Mainly because my Dad's a heavy crack smoker, that was enough for me haha. allllllthough...recently I've become interested in smoking opium again, although I'm not how addictive that stuff is....I smoked 'piff' well supposedly it was, like a few months ago...and we were pretty sure there was opium in it, but it was a way better high feeling that what regular weed gives ya (im not big on weed at all....but a body high, mmm) I should probably stay away tho.