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Trying to Leave

   I have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 1/2 years - together for 5 1/2.  Last Friday, I finally got up the courage to ask him to move out.  He had finally pushed me too far by hiding how much he was drinking, occasional verbal abuse and financial irresponsibility.  My problem now is that he is actually trying to change so he can stay.  For the first time in 3 1/2 years he is putting some effort into slowing down on his beer consumption!  He is constantly telling me he misses "us", how much he loves me, he won't disapoint me this time, he can do it, begging for just one more chance, just one more week to show me he can do it.  I am needing some outside perspective - am I totally crazy for even considering it?  The trust is gone but I love him.

leaving leaving 26-30, F 15 Responses Apr 25, 2008

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I am in the same situation and have run out of ideas about what to do. He drinks 24/7, is always unconscious, peeing the bed, losing any job that he could get, having seizures, stealing my money, constant lying, verbally abusive. I'm losing my mind. I have called 911 a dozen times, brought him numerous times to hospitals, to rehabs, to a homeless shelter, hotels. He was recently arrested and on probation. He keeps begging for me to take him back and that he "won't let me down". But he always lets me down. I bring him back in because he has burnt every bridge and he has nobody but me and will be homeless living in the woods and will die. This last time (yesterday), I let him in promising me he won't drink and before I left the house, he drank and I found it and poured it out. He still is managing to drink and I have to work, while banging my head to figure it out. I have to do something asap. My daughters are coming to stay with me this weekend. Please help

I wish I could get him out of my house sooner then Friday, does anyone have any other suggestions on that? I'm locked in my bedroom, he is drunk and sleeping on the sofa. I just want him gone.

i have been supporting a beautiful looking male alcoholic, unemployed drunk who does not pay child support to his ex for over 3 years, i feel like I am housing a criminal who is hiding behind my skirts, i feel like a mother protecting an adult child from society. he sits on the couch all day long and watches tv or plays video games, he's 30. i knew when i met him he was a drinker but had no idea how much, it's "only" beer and of course as you can imagine it started with only 6 packs, then now it's about 12 to 15 beers a day. the drinking starts as soon when he decides to get up, it could be as early as 8am or as late as 11am depending on when he gets up. i hate the noise of an opening beer can, i hear it from across the apt, it is like a bomb going off in my mind and I hate it. I buy the beer and food because i am the only one working, if i don't buy the beer he tells me "daddy needs a drink" i have lost roomates because of him and my situation because it made me crazy, I actually left him one night and for 4 months lived with people who took me in as I had to get an eviction to kick him out of my own place. he refused to leave and threatened to sell my cars (3 of them even though they are registered in my name he owns nothing apart from some musical equipment) I also got robbed the day the eviction took place, I have no proof but i got robbed of $4000 thanks to insurance I got the money back, but have completely lost trust in roomates, him, the landlord ,my neighbors and my current roomate. My current roomate tells me to get rid of him and is tired seeing me wasting away and crying outside and tired of seeing him abuse me verbally when he continually tells me daddy needs a drink. i have nightmares at night -him asking me continually to buy he repeatedly asks me for money to buy beer, because of him I am over 20K in debt from buying him beer that we can't afford and I am a mental wreak, i have no ambitions for life anymore, no will to live and talk about suicide to everyone who will listen as I can't stand not being able to have a communication with him. if i ask him to stpo asking me for money for beer he tells me it's only 80% water and to look at shatner who is healthy at 80 years old, and that his family has always been drinking and it is natural for him. I have no money for myself to spend on, all i do is save money now to pay off my credit card debt and buy him beer. he sued to make fun of me for drinking coffee and orange juice telling me I spend as much money on oj and coffee as his beer, it's not true, i am so paranoid about money i do match constantly figuring out how to spend less and less , as you can imagine i have stopped buying orange juice and coffee because that way he can't make fun of me spending money on things for me, it's ok though for me to spend money on his beer. 6 months after we met when i got laid off from my good paying job and he just stopped going to work telling me he just wanted to spend time with me, he worked there 3 or 5 years i don't remember and just stopped going, if i did not drive him to work in the morning he would not go, i was frustrated and had no clue what i was dealing with. i think he just wanted to have time to drink more and to have me support him. whenever i tell him he is using me, he gets mad & storms out of the house, he tells me he loves me, but really he is destroying us, himself and me, i used to be happy now i am a mess and cry everyday, it makes him mad that i have turned into a negative person, i blame him for it and he tells me to get a life! there is no hope at all, i had to evict him and broke up 4 months during that time he constantly called me, eventually i got back together because he's beautiful and the sex is great, yes i am shallow and weak because of him. yes i feel safe if he's at home (even though if i ever kick him out again he will probably do me wrong and threaten to sell my cars again ) he doesn't have many friends i have now zero friends because i feel ashamed to be with a person like this that i love, my parents are dying inside knowing i won't leave him again. he also keeps mentioning that i left him and probably will kick him out again . he's threatening and makes me feel like a bad person when all i want is to be happy and be able to go out and show him off in a good light. we don't go out anymore because we're poor and he knows we have beer at home that's cheaper than going out to drink. his ex is going to drop child support case and he tells me that's the reason he does not work is so his wages don't get garnished. this will never go away and never get better i think of how happy i used to be.

oh my bf never promised he would stop drinking, he is an alcoholic that is what he is and told me I knew what i was getting into when i met him. he told me up front and it's my fault for being with him, this is what he tells me, so it's my fault for being with him. he told me he would never seek help or want to change because he's very very happy the way he is, also he can go and hide behind any pretty girl who will give him exactly what he wants and threatens to leave me all the time for another rich woman who will support him if i cut his drink off (prob till they realize what a user he is) i get threatened all the time that he will leave me but i had to evict him! he tells me i am the love of his life etc.... but will never ever change, i thought i could live with that but am realizing i am not as strong as he is and can't take advantage of people like he does, i thought i could be strong and life with this and take the abuse but i don't like it. i think to myself it's just beer only 80% water like he says but then look at the whole picture, he hasn't worked in 3 years, he has no real friends, he doesn't pay child support because he's hiding behind me and we don't go out because the beer i buy is cheaper at home than going out.

I've beem living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 6 months. I could go on and on telling you the stories of what a waste of life he is and how it is ruining mine. Before living together, he hid this real well, I never knew he drank so much. I also thought I could help him, now I know that I can't and I'm only making it easier for him to drink more. This morning I called the police because he refuses to leave. I'm sure because no one else wants to deal with his chosen illness, he has no where to go. Like everyone else has said the same, almost exact story. He's an amazing guy when he is sober. When he's drunk he is mentally and verbally abusive. The police would not make him leave and said I would have to go through a legal process of avicktion. He had my car keys and they made him give them to me. I hide my keys and my money. I've taken him to the doctor to church, he met and talked to the pastor. I've helped him in many ways. Im waiting till he goes back to work on Friday, I will be changing the locks then. <br />
He has done the same, " trust me, I promise, I'm so sorry, I'll change, let's go to counseling" every single time he let's me down, I find empty bottles around the house and he lies/ hides his drinking. Please pray for me, on Friday evening he is leaving for work, I will change the locks then, I have it all planned out to try to get him to avoid coming "home" after work. If he shows up, I will have him removed by the police. I believe with no question, an alcohlic has to hit rock bottom to do anything about it. I pray that he will be okay, but I'm already feeling the relief of him not being here. He's a grown man, I can't save him anymore. I'm doing this because I do love him, but I love myself more. <br />
So in response to the above, they will promise the world, feel bad, cry, change for a short while, try their best to make you believe they can, then rip your heart out the next day with the same drunken behavior. I no longer believe a word he says. <br />
On a positive note, I've only wasted a short time in my life, I see great things in my future. I feel strong !

I've beem living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 6 months. I could go on and on telling you the stories of what a waste of life he is and how it is ruining mine. Before living together, he hid this real well, I never knew he drank so much. I also thought I could help him, now I know that I can't and I'm only making it easier for him to drink more. This morning I called the police because he refuses to leave. I'm sure because no one else wants to deal with his chosen illness, he has no where to go. Like everyone else has said the same, almost exact story. He's an amazing guy when he is sober. When he's drunk he is mentally and verbally abusive. The police would not make him leave and said I would have to go through a legal process of avicktion. He had my car keys and they made him give them to me. I hide my keys and my money. I've taken him to the doctor to church, he met and talked to the pastor. I've helped him in many ways. Im waiting till he goes back to work on Friday, I will be changing the locks then. <br />
He has done the same, " trust me, I promise, I'm so sorry, I'll change, let's go to counseling" every single time he let's me down, I find empty bottles around the house and he lies/ hides his drinking. Please pray for me, on Friday evening he is leaving for work, I will change the locks then, I have it all planned out to try to get him to avoid coming "home" after work. If he shows up, I will have him removed by the police. I believe with no question, an alcohlic has to hit rock bottom to do anything about it. I pray that he will be okay, but I'm already feeling the relief of him not being here. He's a grown man, I can't save him anymore. I'm doing this because I do love him, but I love myself more.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and seem to only fall in love with alcoholics. My current boyfriend of 7 1/2 years is an aloholic. He has had 2 DUIs in the last year. When not drinking, like all of you have said, he is a wonderful, gorgeous, intelligent man. He got laid off almost 3 years ago and due to his drinking, has never really pursued another job. Why should he, I was working 2 full time jobs, often 75 hours per week, until I ended up in the hospital with kidney issues. After that, I said screw the 2 jobs and said he could go back to work. 7 months later, he is still not working. He has been staying in another state caring for his mother's home since she got put into a nursing home. Over the years he has been verbally and sometimes physically abusive. He is in total denial that drinking has effected his health and how it effects everyone around him. He just recently got his 2nd DUI in a year and ended up in jail again. He has a total of 4. I was praying that he would have to stay in jail and have to take a long hard look at where he is at but he got out after 2 weeks. He of course wrote me and told me that he would give up the vodka and the anti-depressants that he takes like candy but he wont give up the beer. It is like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. One minute he loves me and wants to get married and the next he wants me out of his house because I am just after his inheritance. He never wants me to spend time with anyone else. Everyone tells me i should leave but i havent found the strength. Of course, everything is about him and how he feels. He doesnt believe that him going to jail even affected me. He was pissed off because i didnt try to get bond for him as i believe he needed to be in jail. one of our cars was repossessed because he never went back to work and he just lost his car because we didnt have the money to get it out of impound. We havent had sex in over a year and when we try it doesnt work. A few weekends ago i visited him in Missouri and he stayed drunk the entire time I was there so i left early. He was drinking beer and vodka both. He thinks he is above AA. I saw him this past weekend and he didnt drink the last 2 days i was there and says he hasnt drank since then. I told him i was looking for an apartment to live away from him but i havent done so yet. I know in my heart that without help he will not change and without help i wont change either because i just keep staying with him. I am 47 years old and he is 48. i guess i just wanted someone to hear my thoughts.

go to AL Anon, he sounds like a sad sack. The clock is ticking it sounds truly awful. Why as women do we think we can do it for them, Mummy complex. YOU can't do it for him, let him fall on his face and leave him there, in the mean time get your affairs in order and plan your exit you have nothing to loose.
'One day we must all sit at the table of consequence'

It's just SO HARD but I have heard so many broken promises from my ABF. I just wouldn't believe him anymore. Once their clean and sober, they forget how bad it used to be and so they fall back again AND SO DO YOU!

My name is courtney and i have an alcoholic boyfriend. He is not here as we speak because he left me and the baby to go drink. i cried and cried for me and or son witch is 6 months old.i also have two daughters. it seems like everyone here has the same story about how he says that he will change,and then he dont. It seems like he doesn't care. Maybe he do ans just care more for alcohol. it hurts so bad!! im lonely,sad depressed,and i have p.t.s.d. on top of that. this is not a good look for me. is there any advise of what i can do. i need to move out have nowhere to go. please

I feel for you. I am in the same boat although my kids and now 6 and 4 and it has been the same old crap for 8 years. i used to cry and beg and phone him, He would vanish for days without a peep until he crawled back. I am just about at the end and have for the first time kicked him out for a week. There have been many promises and all broken and I expect this week will be the same. Plan for yourself and child, be kind to yourself, get some money together that he doesn't know about and don't give him access to more than he needs day to day. As so many wise women have said and I have experienced if they do not help themselves to get better it gets worse. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here. I am 37 and have nothing, no house, little money just my boys.

I think you have a lot of wisdom, and having your boys is priceless. Good luck to you:)

Leave him. He will break his own mothers' heart , no one is excluded. It is an illness that only he can keep under control. I am leaving my boyfriend of nine years because of his drinking, lies, temper tantrums. He quit for 4 1/2 years, then hid from me for months. Your life will be total chaos, emotionally and financially. Leave him.

Looks like you are not alone in your struggle. I keep "hoping" one day I will have the house, the hubby, the great boyfriend, but it's not going to happen with him he likes his drink too much. No future in drinking. Keep your eyes wide open girl. Be strong. He has to want to stop no amount persuading will help.

I dated a man recently and a couple of weeks into the relationship I found out he is an alcoholic. Just like your partner he pleaded and promised so much change in his drinking habits. I gave him the chance and it lasted about 4 days! You can't force a person to change this comes from within them. Maybe I am wrong but I thought that if I decided to stay with this guy then I would need to put up with his drinking and all that comes with that. I knew I couldn't handle giving lectures weekly and worrying about his drinking. His alcohol wasn't worth it to me. It's true alcoholics are selfish when it comes to their alcohol. You will never change this man no matter what he says. Good Luck!

As someone who understands addiction fairly well I can state with surety and familiarity that the only way for an addict or alcoholic to stop using is by deciding to stop and get help. It is rare, although not impossible that a person just stops using. I am not a huge fan of 12 step programs but they seem to help a lot of people, all of this considered I would suggest he hit up an AA meeting. There are also AL-ANON groups for the loved ones of an alcoholic. It is a very painful situation to have your loved ones consumed by this disease, I know. Delineating what behavior the disease causes and what is just his/her character can seem like an impossible feat. I wish you the best and you can message me anytime.

I have lived this, Honey, for many many years. Promises of change, and he would get better, drink less, control it more, but he always got back to a bad drunk eventually. I know you love him, Sweetie, I know what you are going through. The thing is, though, is that as long as you are with him you will continue to go through it, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk. Hugs.

I am going through the same dilemma, I have taken my boyfreind back 6 or more times. So many promises of change. And as we speak he is at his home or god knows where drunk. I had it out with him. Was bawling my eyes out. The alcohol is number 1. Not any girlfriend or lover. There love is the drink. I am devasted i love this man. What promises will 2morrow hold??? None cause they will be broken again

I met my partner in 2006 just 3 months after his wife died from liver disease, I went into a relationship knowing he himself was an alcoholic, I tried everything to make him stop except leave him, There was no stopping him and I new it, We were together for 2 yrs and on Dec 27 2008 he passed away from liver disease. It was a struggle that I would never do again, I took care of him" I would shower him and dress him and comb his hair, There were times where he would bleed from his face, He would throw up all his fluids and he would have blackouts and fall to the ground, The Alcohol took away his freedom in the end and he was confined to a hospital bed.

I am sorry to say..much as he may WANT to change for you or the relationship, the only way he can stop is if HE wants to stop, only if HE sees he has a problem and wants to change his life...not just because you say things should be different. Sounds like you have had enough and are only prolonging the inevitable. I did the same with my ex partner but things only got worse and worse. I loved him but not his behavior or attitude. I wanted someone to pull with me not against me as life is hard enough without someone pulling you down!<br />
xxx