Just Left 6 Days Ago

I broke up with my boyfriend 5 days ago. were together for 1 year. i have 2 kids from my exhusband ( ex addict). My ex boyfriend drink about 3 to 4 days a week. 3 to 6 beers on week days. Lots and lots on weekends. Enough to start making me feel uncomfortable. he also has an anxiety disorder, which he takes prescriptionmeds for. Clonazepan , paxil. He used to take ambien also to sleep ( thats what he told me), but I discover it was more recreactionl, so I told him that would not work for our relationship, so he quit. which made me trust him, but his alcohol increased. He also smokes cigarretes a lot when he drinks. when he is not drinking he sleeps a lot and is moody and like very spaced out, which makes it difficult for me to communicate with him. he is also very nice at times and when he is buzzed he is funny and loving when he is more than buzz he can become a bully, a bad bully with those around, mostly friends but now me. i adressed it once or twice , he said he would do something, he did not. At the beggining I just hang out with him, had fun, then I started drinking with him during the week, even though I knew I was not comfortable with this. ( I stopped doing drugs and alcohol about 8 years ago, I stopped on my own after my kids were born and I got tired of it and of seeing so many people go downhill) then, when my ex was doing ambien he will ask me to try it, I rejected, until I tried, I said I didnt like it, and did not o it ever again. But I keep drinking with him. The he started to ask me to do coke, I had done it lots in the past, but also I quit on my own, well I agreed, but after tht time, I told him I did not want to do it anymore, it was not what I wanted. Until my kids approach me, and told me I was never like this, I used to play with them etc, and that month I just joined him in his garage while they played and I drink with him, not as much as him. then I stopped and talk to him, I said I didnt want to drink because I have left my rutine that I was happy with and the drinking was affecting me and us. He understood, but did not stopped. I did. My son got attached to him, but in one of his school essays he wrote "if ---- quits drinking, I wont play so many on moms phone", it shocked me, I showed my ex, he felt bad, but did not change, I did, I talked to my son apologized and started to pull away from this relatioship. with hurt. I finally had enough, I never argued, judge him, yelled, cussed, or nothing, I only told him the drinking ws not working out, he admitted he kind of had a problem but did not know if he wanted to stpped drinking. Finally I looked for help, I started going to a counsuler to get away from the relationship and hurt less. it did help. I decided to ended, that same day, his dad had a surgery, heart surgery, he called me for support I listen, then I thought I can not do this today because he is going through this aweful moment. so I decided to wait. He also lives across from me. As I was pulling in my driveway, I was on the phone with him, I noticed his speech was like if he has been drinking, on a tuesday, right before the day of his dad surgery. I asked him have you been drinking?, he said "no", but I am about to......I parked my car, walked to his garage, there he was hidding, so I could not see him from my house, and had already been drinking, that is when I knew I had to leave, I did not wanted to be lie too, to not trust, and to be on the way of his drinking. I left home, he texted what was wrong, and thats when I said, "your drinking habits are not working for me, my kids or our relationship, I am sorry, I need to make a change for me and the kids. I love you but I can not do this anymore, you have made your choice, I m not your support, alcohol is what you rely on and I come in second and my family.
He said. I understand, you have to do what is best for you. I said thank you.....long pause.....then he texted.......you have some balls to do this right now......then I felt like crap....I said I had no choice. He said dont ever contact me again. so I never reply, its been 5 days, I keep doing my things, back to sports, good at work, housechores. But I hurt so bad inside, and I miss all his good things, I know I did the right thing. I also think what is wrong with me. one physicall abuser, second one kill himself, third major drugaddict, I joined him, thirf (my exhusband) drug abuser, I joined him too, till I had my kids. Then I dated a guy, that took with a lot of my money. Now this guy, he is great guy, bachelor, hear this, also degree in psychology!!!!!!!!, employee of the year, well spoken,.......!!!!!!!! I think sometimes I need a bootcamp, or I was not made for relationships, but I cant help but fall in love. I did stay single for a long time, I dont joined internet sites, go clubbing or anything looking for a man....none....they all find me!!!! and I follow. Sometimes I think, am I being to picky, should I just pull up with it, why do I always keep coming second or what s wrong with me. So I put my kids together we had a talk and I explained to them why I was leaving this guy, how It affected me us, and that even though we loved him, it was not being healthy for ll of us, they also talked and agree and we pray. unvelievable. I just feel I love him and I feel pain, hurt, get confused feel bad for having broke it off on his dads surgery and sometimes I m not sure if I did the right thing, or I am not sure If I judge him wrong and maybe his drinking is not tht bad and I am a drama queen, but deep inside I am like ...but if my 7 year old and 9 year old,,,can see it It has to be what it is......just please talk to me
ggmbq ggmbq
1 Response Mar 4, 2012

You did the right thing. I had to do it too and questioned myself a lot, but things are easier now (it's been 5 months since I left him). I still miss him, but I know I can do better, and so can you. I am feeling good about myself now, he would always put me down when he was drunk. It's ok to love someone that you are not with anymore, that does not mean you have to be with them. The important thing is that you have to love yourself more, and that's how I know you and I made the right decision to leave. I believe God allows us the ability to deeply love again, but we must also learn from the experiences that God presents to us, or we continue the same cycle over and over.