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Am I Doing The Right Thing?

Please comment on my story after reading.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic along with other members of his family. We have a child together and are own place, but I've spoken to my dad and friends about the trauma I go through trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my boyfriend and son. My boyfriend has 2 DUI's, goes to AA Class and will eventually have to get a breath-alizer installed in the car once he completes the 14week long classes all just to get his driving privileges back. He has no intention of taking the classes seriously to get help with his addiction and he has on several occasions taken the car driven it while intoxicated to go buy more liquor from the liquor store. Rain or shine, if he's drunk and thirsty enough he's gone... and I had to give up the keys and money to prevent him from causing any bodily harm to me and our child and the home. My house has holes in the walls, from him punching through it or slamming doors. I'm down to 3 plates from 7 because he's broken them. I have roaches in my home now because he's thrown and dropped food around the place where I haven't noticed until an infestation had developed in those areas. Two weeks ago I went to my in-laws to confront them about their drinking and got punched in the face twice. Luckily, they were drunk because it didn't hurt as much as I thought a punch in the face would. I didn't fight back instead swore they'd never see their grandchild again nor myself. I'm worried that my boyfriend will eventually get tired of throwing and tossing objects and punching walls to punching, throwing and tossing me or our son in a drunken rage for more liquor. He's not your typical everyday drunk, he's more like your binge drinker. Just this past week he was wasted for a week and didn't even know what day it was when he finally awoke from his black out phase. When he is sober he is definitely a wonderful guy. If it weren't for his addiction I'd be proud to call him my fiance and we'd been married by now, but this alcohol problem of his is not going away and he seems to think I'll share my life and allow him to influence our son during this kind of behavior. I fear I'll become a victim of physical domestic violence and my son will bear witness to it all. I worry that my son if I don't do something about my current lifestyle that he'll end up becoming an alcoholic too. My son deserves to have two parents that love him dearly and he does, its just I am not convinced my boyfriend knows what he got in his life, us, that is worth quitting drinking for.
Lately, I've been planning my exit on this relationship, but its been hard because I still have feelings and the happy memories and the moments that he is sober I'm just a sucker for thinking that maybe things will be different. Or that last drunk spell episode he came out of would be the last... and yet I worry and believe that it won't be the last and that the worse is yet to come in the falling years if I choose to stay, forcing myself to love and please someone with a drinking problem that could careless about what I need in my life to make me happy. I need stability and real happiness. Am I doing the right thing in deciding to leave? A part of me worries so much about how he'll handle the separation and no longer being an active father to his son. Am I doing the right thing for my son and me?
Please comment, thanks!!
Leolani Leolani 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 25, 2012

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I completely understand what you're going through. I'm going through the same thing except I'm pregnant and when he gets mad he throws things at me and has even hit me in my stomach while pregnant and just drank more to stop feeling guilty. The doctor Jekyll Mr. Hyde effect of an alcoholic does not go away and until they realize they need and want to change they won't. My bf will bend over backwards for people when sober and hates anyone who puts their hands on a woman or child but won't hesitate to do it himself when he's drunk and wants his way. I left my house 2 days ago and get nonstop phonecalls from him apologizing saying he's nothing without me but I don't answer the phone he needs to learn his bad choices have consequences and his mom is mad at me saying I need to work it out and go home but even her and his dad won't allow him at their house because he tried to choke his mom and he pushed his dad on father's day yet they think I need to deal with him and be okay. Best of luck to you.

Sorry I meant punched his dad

I suggest if you value your pregnancy and your life, get out and get somewhere safe. That's domestic violence what you're experiencing.
Even when I was pregnant nearly 3 years ago, my exbf, my sons father, would not care about my emotions when he drank. He would pick fights, accuse me of cheating on him, that the baby isn't his (because I have lots of friends from my childhood days, college and work... he thought any males in my life must be **** buddies because to him guys only have friends in girls to have sex with, totally different worlds we lived before we met each other... he didn't let on at all though that those were his thoughts until after he got me pregnant)... his siblings and mother called once asking me if I was really pregnant with "their nephew & grandson".... the mania drove me nuts. I kicked in my black cherry wood dresser and broke the whole drawer. My step dad came rushing into the room because he thought I'd fallen because he could here me and fiance (now exbf) arguing. My parents could see him falling apart the more he drank and how often it was becoming. He lost his job, crashed my car and finally was kicked out of their home after getting into more trouble and refusing to get help. When I tried to make things work after a 10 month separation, he was bitter about being an absent father and when the drinking kicked started again he blamed me for everything. I felt he was fighting with me trying to gain some kind of retribution over the past, because I chose not to follow him when he left us. Here's how that day went.... One evening after searching for weeks, I found him on the streets shirtless and homeless in filth. I got him to a friends place to get cleaned up. The next day I came by he told me he had a 10pm flight back to the West Coast that evening, that was all in less than 18 hours after finding him. All day we spent with each other and not once did he want to talk about the mess he created and how I'm supposed to digest the fact that he's leaving me and his son. Airport. I park the car we get out as a family, we walk him to check-in, we sit and talk some more. i ask him when he's coming back he says give him 2-3 months to clear his head and get his act together. Just before he goes through TSA & customs, that's when he tells me, "Come with me! My father bough all of us tickets to go." I'm thinking I have no bags, no documentation for me and my son to even get through TSA, my son was on medication at the time... I thought, what a liar! He could've told me the second after he knew about flight arrangements so that I could prepare me and my son to go, if I made that decision to follow him. I told him, "No! You need to go back to your parents. Be by yourself and think about what you done and figure out a way to make things right, and get to alcoholics anonymous." I don't believe his dad could afford to send us three, that would've been a whopping $3000+ on airfare because he during late holiday season.
So that's more about past relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. It's been nearly two months since we left him now. My son doesn't have night terrors and my anxiety and depression has gone down a lot. His father still calls telling me in one call he hates me and that I'm ruining our son, keeping him from his father, and then another call he says he loves me and hopes everything is going well. He hasn't tried to quit going through AA or rehab so dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes and goes with him. I don't have to be with him to believe if he's getting help, I can just tell all in the way he talks to me and what he talks about.

... so far, he's realized some things, but he hasn't changed. Our son is almost three and I got pre-school to prep him for. Those 10 months, I learned a lot about being a single mom, so after trying to make things work and then throwing in the towel on him, I fell back on what I knew to survive, be safe, and try to be happy... and do it all without him. because the longer he takes to get help and fix the problems he made the older our son gets. And when time comes I'll be ready to explain to my son why mommy left daddy.

Oh trust me I know exactly what he is doing and what it is. Today is the 3rd day since I left and I'm not going back. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that takes long term (the rest of their life) commitment to staying sober. When we first got together almost 8 years ago he drank but not as much, he would argue but not about things that were menial. He has went a long time without drinking before (the longest being 1 1/2 years) but he feels he needs friends and since some of the people he meets drinks he thinks he can have "a few" and be okay. I know better. Then to get over the sick feeling of a hangover he will drink the next morning which leads to a fifth or more by 2pm and blackout stage again. It's been the past 2 years he doesn't just argue but feels that to shut people up he can put his hands on them to make them "obey" and do what he wants. I am all too aware of addictions ad where they lead as I grew up with my parents being alcoholics and drug addicts that only recently became sober in the past 8 years from hitting their rock bottom (which in their case was facing their own mortality). Also they were extremely violent towards one another and frequently pulled guns out on each other among many other things. AA is a useful tool but doesn't work for everyone. Also trying to get an alcoholic to admit what they did to you and realize how you feel is usually useless because many people aren't able to see from others' points of view. The thing they need to realize and admit is they can't handle alcohol and what their drinking has done to their own life and need to take responsibility for their actions instead of placing blame. They have a tendency to say I drink because of this reason or etc. What they need to do is realize no one forced them to drink and find better ways of coping. For your son I really do feel for him because he will not understand. The best situation would be for his father to tell him what he has done and make your son understand it was not a good environment for him-not telling you what to do but if your ex harbors any resentment and knows you told your son why you left his dad he might try to turn that around on you and say your mom just says that because she's mad and therefore your son ends up stuck in the middle trying to make both parties happy or choosing sides which when your son gets older it just might be his dad's side. The only reason I say this is because I've seen it happen too many times before. People don't like their past "dirtied" by someone else and that automatically makes them defensive and they're more likely to want revenge and tell or even make up all of your bad qualities. Also if he tells his son why it wasn't the best environment that will further him in helping himself by taking responsibility for his part in what happen and help to cement in his head that he's better off staying sober if only for the sake of his son. As for your ex's parents, blow them off. Stop taking phone calls unless it has to do with your son and his welfare. I don't completely agree with keeping your son away from his dad, I refuse for my bf/ex to have contact with this child after it's born unless he is sober and I will be there but too many people I know have grown up with one parent keeping the child away from the other for valid reasons but when the child gets older they regret that parent for not letting them decide for themselves if they get to know their father/mother or not. I've seen a lot of people say "I still wanted to know them and what they were like addict or not" they want the choice to say they're a bad person or not. If kept away from them and they happen to change in the future the only thing the child sees is good things, coupled with the fact he could say your mom was just mad and she did it to spite me-if they see the bad they are more likely to understand why it wasn't good-not worst, just not good. Thanks for the concern about me and my baby I'm carrying though. I'm good on making sure I'm safe and plan to keep doing so. I refuse to have a child grow up feeling how I did while I was growing up it's not fair to any child and I will lay my life on the line to make sure that never happens. Being a single parent doesn't scare me in the least either because I basically took on all responsibility with my little brother because of my parents and with 2 of my young cousins for the same reason with one of my aunts. I'm very capable of taking everything on myself with no worries because I was financial provider, teacher, "mommy", etc. for all 3 of them since I was 15 and all 3 are doing great and respect me more than anyone else-including parents.

Also with depression and anxiety-a therapist, al-anon groups,exercise and good diet could help. Often someone in a relationship with an alcoholic develops clinical depression which could also get worse even though you do feel relieved now but really doesn't go away-it's a lot like PTSD and if put in a situation that resembles something you've been through it comes on hard and fast-I don't know how bad your depression and anxiety are so that may never happen with you but felt I should give you a fair warning-the only reason I'm aware of this is because I do have PTSD, I also have a less severe from of bipolar-which is bipolar II and anxiety with panic disorder-the therapist I see though tells me most of everything going on has to do with PTSD from my childhood and what I have seen while growing up but also has told me other forms of it and things that can resemble it.

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