They've Been Where I Am

I found Ala-Non.
I was the youngest woman and mother there, and only one totting a busy child.
Members disclosed their stories about loved ones who are alcoholics, some to which where as young as me. Listening to their stories, being their in person staring at the faces of these courageous individuals taking a stand to get help and be their own light.... I felt uneasy being the youngest one there and with my child too, but something inside me felt relieved that I was not crazy for having endured so much emotional instability to the point where I found myself at my first Ala-Non Meeting, wanting answers, confirmation and guidance.

I know its hard to be a young mother handling life raising a child and living with my "functional/controlling" alcoholic boyfriend, and struggling to make sense of where my family as a whole is headed if neither parent stops to evaluate what's going on, coming to grips with reality.

I don't want my son to grow up pigdeon-hold to become an alcoholic. I was not raised up with the lifestyle of alcoholism. I just want what's best for my son and for my life.

I'm tired of taking the brunt of his drinking and suffering his consequences.
I'm tired of being used and confused.
I'm tired of loving and pouring out my very best only to see it wasted.

If I stay to find out what the next 10 or 18 years will be like, I don't think I'll be the same strong minded woman I am today, with the same ambitions of pursuing an education and career. I feel the disease of his alcoholism will consume me and have ramifications that will affect every aspect of my life.

I can't play possum for the rest of my life like I"m doing right now, just to keep things in the home appearing sane and okay when really every day and every conversation he and I share... I'm walking on egg shells to not set my boyfriend off into drinking. I enable him and I am upholding the balance of power in his favor than us sharing it equally.

If he wanted to get help and truly felt his drinking was a problem to himself and his family, then when that day comes he'll track down an AA meeting and get to it and take in everything seriously. I've endured a fraction of what the members at this Ala-non Meeting have endured a lifetime.

I don't think I'm ready for a lifetime of alcoholism. I want to get back to my goals and ambitions and raising my baby boy into becoming a good self-efficient man that hopefully will not suffer the same mistakes of his father falling prey to this terrible disease, alcoholism.

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Jul 31, 2012