Leaving Someone Who Left You Long AgoThis is my message to my loved one who chose alcohol over our relationship. It gives me peace writing and sending this to him, but I would be lying if I were to say my concern does not still exist, on a daily basis, out of concern for his well-being. However, I wrote this and sent it to him with only the best of intention for his knowledge, and for the beginnings of my healing.
As much as I want to keep this short, there is too much I need to express to you. Before I do, I want you to re-read what I wrote you a month ago.
"Thank you for this email and your words. I know a lot of thought was put into writing this note, and I truly appreciate your message, because I know it must have been difficult to do.
I made a comment last night that I know hurt you, and I apologize for saying it because that was not my purpose or intention of saying it. I was trying to explain to you that I don't want to be with anyone else, that I don't want to start over and create a life and future with anyone but you. These past three years have been spent building a relationship and life together, one that I love and cherish, and one in which the person (you) is someone that I respect and care about deeply, and who was making my life more full than I could ever imagine, and in turn me a better person each and every day. The thought of not having you by my side in the good times, the difficult times, or the bad times, is devastating. The thought of not continuing what we have built is to sad to put into words. I'm losing more than just my boyfriend, because you have been so much more than that to me. This is not how and what I expected this relationship's outcome to be, and the hurt and disappointment is tremendous. When I met you, I knew that you were different, and I knew that it was you and only you that I forever wanted in my life. It hurts beyond words to know that you don't want the same, maybe perhaps because it's not me you want this with, maybe for other reasons. I want the piece of mind that I have a commitment to a future with someone who I love, and who loves me, and work as a team in building and creating that for the shared course of time that life will allow us to do so together. That's all I want, Mike. And I want it to be, more than anything, with you. But I can't force you to want this, or do this, just because I do. I can't force you to want the same things I do. My heart is broken, and I feel a void I've never felt before. But I'm not angry, Mike. This is the chance you take when you include someone in your life - there are no guarantees. I wish I could have or get everything I want, but life isn't fair that way, and life isn't' just all about me and my needs or desires. And relationships can not be one-sided - not that I ever felt that ours was - quite opposite. But relationships must have a shared vision of the course they will go, and that's where we have derailed. That's where I feel, and have felt for a while, so uncertain and unsure. I know that this uncertainty and doubt has built up with time and manifested in certain behaviors and actions (or inaction) of mine. And that's not fair to you in any way, shape or form. I could not say "I'm sorry" enough to even explain the depth of how much I truly am, and how much I wish I could turn back time and do it differently. I would in a heartbeat if I could, and that tears me up.
I will always be here if you need me - no matter what that may be. You will always have someone here, if you reach out and ask. I meant what I said in my text last night, that I love you and always will. You have, and will always have, a very large place of joy, love, and happiness in my heart. That place will always be reserved for you and our time spent together. You have made a tremendous impact in my life, and I could never thank you enough or explain the many ways that you have helped me become a better person. For everything you've taught me, thank you. I hope you know how much you affected me for the better, and I those lessons will be with me for life. Thank you.
There are some things here that I think are yours, so why don't you come by during the week while I'm at work so you can take a walk-through and get them. That will also give you a chance to see Noodles. You can drop the key off after, and you can take your time, privately, to make sure everything (if anything) that belongs to you is retrieved. I'd prefer that."
Every word, every sentence, every meaning I was attempting to convey to you in that message I wrote last month remains true. This is how I feel, but this is not where we are at anymore.
I am so angry with you. I am so scared for you. I wish that for just one second you can see yourself through my eyes - all of you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I love you so much, but you insist of pushing me away, seemingly calculating, if it were, while taking yourself in a downward path of self-destruction. I have tried to reason why you do this to yourself, what happened to make you feel the way you do, who, what, where, when and why? You are an amazing man, so smart, handsome, funny, loving and kind. The list goes on. But I feel like you don't think you deserve to be treated like you are loved. I have felt you push me away for quite some time, and I have begged you to be honest and speak your true feelings with me. As it stands now, I don't know when the truth stopped and the denial, then lies, began. And because of how I am, no matter how much this hurts me and tears me up, I still love you. Despite the hurt, the confusion, and the make-ups, I have always loved you and wanted nothing but that back from you. It is so difficult to finally understand that you really did stop loving me some time ago. A long time ago. I suspected this, but I didn't want to admit it or confront it. When I did confront "it", I was weak and didn't confront what I really wanted to. I was afraid, and for this I only blame myself. As I said a month ago, isn't it ironic that sometimes we have the hardest time saying the things that mean the most to us, the things most important to us, for fear of judgement, lack of understanding and/or acceptance from that person who we should be least afraid of facing humility?
I want to fix you, Mike. I want to heal you. I can't. You see, there's a big problem here. Something I've also been in denial about for a long time, too. Mike, you need help. Please. You are and have been depressed for a long time, in my opinion, well before we ever met. You have a drinking problem, and a compulsive addiction problem (i.e. gambling/day trading/whatever form du jour it takes when the opportunity presents itself). This is a disastrous combination, Mike. These things are not giving you the pleasure you seek. They are making you more and more a shadow of yourself. At 41 years of age, you should be at the top of your game, Mike. Your career should be at or near its peak, you should be in a loving relationship, and most importantly, you should have grown up. But you're not, Mike. And my deep fear is that a part of you doesn't really care. It hurts me so much to think this true, and I want it to not be, but after spending so much time together for over three years, this is the only conclusion I can come up with. There is a hole somewhere within you, and it's a hole I can never fill up and stop from bleeding out. It doesn't matter if you never wanted me to, because if I could make it stop, believe me, I would. I would give you whatever part of me I could and more to make it stop. But I can't do that. No one can. Only you. I don't know what it will take for you to look in the mirror and recognize how valuable you are to your friends, loved ones and family. How important you were to me during the the time we shared together. You are so loved, Mike. And yeah, you have faults, some better than others, but so do we all, and we accept that amongst each other. I am afraid that you are becoming your own worst enemy. Whatever this rabbit hole is, I want nothing more than for you to climb out of it. Not for me, not for us, but for you. Your dad deserves that, your family deserves that, and your friends deserve that. YOU deserve that. You deserve happiness, success, and love. I can't give that to you, and you don't want that from me. But you still deserve that and owe it to yourself.
But here's the rub, Mike. No one will give that to you. No one. What I say now may hurt, and please know it's not my intention to do so, but here it goes: do you think anyone looks at your life - take your friends for instance - and says to themselves that they want to switch places with you? Single guy living in the city with not a responsibility to care for? No kids, no wife, comfy job? No family vacation, no photos, no promotions or entrepreneurship? I guarantee you not one person would, not in a heartbeat. That's the problem, Mike. People grow up and move on and make life changes, big ones. Except you. Your life is like babysitting a kid for a few hours - it's a lot of fun, but at the end of the day, after a few hours of playtime and whatnot, you're ready to give the child back to their parents and thank god it's not yours as you head back to your 'real' life.
I am well aware that you are beyond livid at me for posting what I did to your Facebook page. I knew the consequences when I did that. I don't care if you want to know why I did it, but I'll tell you this much, if you thought that was a ****** thing to do, then think about this: the times you insinuated that I was stupid; the times you said you didn't love me; the times I asked you questions that were important to me of which you dismissed in such a way I felt humiliated; the times you dismissed our relationship when I asked you reasonable questions about where we were headed. I did nothing to warrant that, and you have apologized for your actions and words. Thing is, once you put it out there, you can never take it back. I can't delete that post, Mike. I can't delete the text messages I sent you that evening calling you trash and wanting to erase you. I can't take that back any more of the ugly vitriol aimed at you than you can with me. I wish I could, and I hope you know I wrote those things out of anger. But I also wrote some of things out of a deep and long-felt concern for you, your health, and your personal safety.
A part of me feels like I've been in this alone for almost the entire time. I guess I have been, to a degree. I don't and didn't deserve that, Mike. All I wanted was to be with you, to love you, and to continue a life with you. I love the life we built. I love every minute you made me smile, every time you made me laugh. All the times you showed me kindness and compassion. I do not regret our time together. You showed me how to love again. You showed me how to love deeply. And you reminded me that love makes you vulnerable and that hurt may be a huge risk and by-product of love. But to me, it was worth it, and I wouldn't turn back any of the past three + years spent with you. I would change certain things, absolutely, but I honestly don't think the end result would be different than it is now. That is my disappointment. I feel like it's my failure. I know it's not, but that's something I'll have to work through.
I spent this past evening gathering all of the knick-knacks I've accumulated over the past few years throughout our relationship. The tickets, the pictures, the cards…it was cathartic. I remember every event, every venue. I laughed at the memories, then cried realizing that it is no more. I put everything in a box, and it will go somewhere safe, more than likely to remain unopened for a very long time. These memories are safe there, and those memories are happy ones, and of a happy time spent with someone I truly loved, respected, and cared for. It saddens me to realize that when I do open up this box, the feelings won't feel the same. Sure, the memories will, but I won't feel this way about you anymore. That gives me relief, because it means the pain and hurt will have passed, but it also means that my life went in a different direction from the one I thought when those memories were captured and later saved and stowed away in this box. It saddens me because this will be true for you as well. I hope that we both find ourselves in better places, beyond pain and anger, so that we may cherish those memories of each other.
I love you, Mike. I don't want to right now, but I do. But I worry for you. I want to help you, but I can't do anything you don't want to or are willing to do for yourself. But I will always be here. The offer remains true, should you want it, or need it. I am here if you ever need me. All you have to do is ask. I will miss you so much. The feeling is devastating, so devastating that I can hardly breath. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile. I miss having you by my side. If you ever doubt anything about me or my character, please, do not doubt the love and care I have for you. That doesn't stop overnight, Mike. It won't stop or shut off for a long time. This is one of the most painful things I've ever felt. But that's the risk I took when I met you. I have no regrets. Thank you for being in my life. I will always treasure our time together. I wish you happiness, health, and success. I wish you love. Of all people I've met in my life, you are most deserving of that and much, much more. I hope you can find it. This, I hope, you do for you.