Alcoholic Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years ago. Within those two years we have had major ups and downs. ...But I really would like to just cut to the chase...

I am struggling having to deal with an alcoholic boyfriend. Coming into this relationship, I knew he drank, but I had no idea he was an alcoholic. He has been in situations where he has been arrested more than once, has gotten a restraining order from a past relationship, and has been physically abusive with me. (I'm sure you're thinking "wow.. that's a definite red flag")
It is obvious that I am struggling to let go of him. As most people would read this, they are probably thinking how incredibly stupid I am for staying in this relationship. Needless to say, I am in love with this man, and I want to help him.
Although I feel very helpless at this point. As soon as I know he is drinking, whether he tells me or not, I get absolutely sick to my stomach, literally. I physically feel a pain in my stomach, I lose all focus of what I am doing, and all of a sudden, I feel completely empty inside. I have never felt "this" before, until I started dealing with his drinking. It scares me how vulnerable I can feel just knowing he has drank.
Just like most alcoholics, after they have a night of self-destruction, the next morning they feel nothing but sorry for themselves, or sorry to their partners/close ones. For instance, after my boyfriend has come home from a night of drinking, his anger is so unbearable and is so scary. Scary to the point where I fear for my life. I am not exaggerating when I say that after he has drank, he has literally become an awful destructive monster. He yells, breaks things, and will hit me. The next morning he wakes up and never remembers the night before... That is until I tell him. He then feels sorry, and tells me he will go to AA... Which he does go. And he has even admitted that he needs to stop, and that he knows that when he drinks, it just gets worse. Which it does. after ever instance he has drank, our situation has progressed:

(I will list the order of how his anger and drinking has progressed this past year)
1.) We fought, yelled and argued
2.) He got arrested
3.) We fought, he broke several of my personal belongings
4.) Shatters glass everywhere
5.) I call the police on him because he is being very loud and is breaking more things
6.) He hits me
7.) He hits me, chokes me, kicks me

As you have read, and it is evident to see that after he has drank, the situation just gets worse.
As I am sitting here writing this, he is out drinking this very moment. I fear that when he gets home, things will get worse. I am very scared and do not know what to do.

*Writing this, I know I will be judged for staying in this relationship, but please, people who have been or are in a similar situation as this, please... thoughts, advice... any words to get me through this would be so kind and appreciative.

Thanks,
Anonymous
aanonymousss aanonymousss
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 1, 2012

stop sitting there writing things while he's out drinking and you're waiting for him to get back. put down the pen, put on your coat, and get out of the way of what you know is going to happen. nobody in there right mind sits there writing stuff when they're in the path of a wrecking ball

Even very smart people get trapped into ways of being. Please leave for your own good.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad. He beat my mother, and yelled and broke stuff when he drank. When he woke up afterwards, he always felt sorry to us all and went to the AA and everything. However he never seemed to be able to quit the drinking. One sunday when i was 7 or 8 i woke up and found my mother crying in the kitchen, she had told my dad to leave after years of hardship for both her and her children who had to witness all of this. I did not have any contact with my dad for the next 6 years. Then one day, 6 years later, our doorbell rang. It was my dad. He had just stayed for 9 months in a rehab and had stayed sober for 10 months. He gave all of us, his children a big hug and then broke down. i have to this day never seen a grown man cry as much as him then. He said he was sorry for all the things he had done to us, and that he would understand if we never wanted to see him again. But he wanted to have a relationship with his children, if we wanted. We wanted that, since he was sober, and we had become older by that time. So he came by to our house from time to time to see us. He was a completely changed person by now, for the first time in my life i could actually say that i liked my dad.. or say that i had a dad at all. Then one day i saw my mom and dad in the kitchen, they did not see me. I noticed that they almost acted like teenagers in love.. and then they kissed. So i went back to my room to let them do whatever they were about to do... hah.. A while later my dad moved in with us again, and today i must say that there is no person in the world i am more proud of than him. My point to you is, alcoholics can be the sweetest, most loving people in the world, as long as they are not drinking. You have to some way or the other make your boyfriend stop drinkning, or else nothing will change. Leave him, force him to the AA, or force him to a rehab, and if you still love him and can forgive him when hes sober again, get back together. Staying with an alcoholic will exhaust you. My mother spent her first years with her children being scared of my dad and trying to protect us from his outbursts, it exhausted her, it exhausted us. Now that hes sober, he can actually contribute to our family again. I love him now. So unless your boyfriend can stay sober, he will do nothing but hurt you. But if he can sober up, he will probarly be a loving boyfriend again. Good luck :)

Wow. I can relate to that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. My ex progressively got worse and did the exact same things noted in your list, but he was stone cold sober. I think your boyfriend not only has a problem with alcohol but also his ability (or should I say inability) to cope with his anger. I am sure your gut instinct tells you to leave him and you should listen to it before he potentionally does something to you that is fatal. I strongly believe that abusive men (and women) cannot and will not change unless they seek intense treatment or until they grow older, at which time they have no one left to abuse and their body/mind starts slowing down.
It has been nearly 3 years since I split with my violent ex boyfriend and while the first few months were hard (I nearly took him back a couple of times and would have had he not been interstate at the time).. I can honestly tell you it was the BEST thing I did for my own sanity and safety. Now I have met a wonderful guy who wouldn't even think of laying a hand on me and treats me with the love and respect I deserve. You deserve it too hun!! And unfortunately, until your boyfriend gets the help he so desperately needs, you will never have it with him. Good luck and be safe.

I dont think you are stupid at all. I live in the same hell you do. I know the pain in the stomach, that starts in your belly and you try to act as if you are not upset or mad at his drinking. Again you are not stupid, I saw the red flags in my boyfriends behavior immediately. So I can relate. I can't judge you at all, I don't judge you. i understand and sympathize. But you need to move on before he hurts you. Reconnect with old friends and when you are feeling sad about him TELL THEM.