I Want to Move On From My Alcoholic Ex

My ex dumped me after 8 months for an alchoholic, they had to live apart because of the constant rows etc and it was hurting her kids.
After 2 years she got in touch, we went to bed then kept in touch a bit more then nothing...
She's gone back to him even though he's been done for drink driving and i think she used me to get him to try and do something but i doubt if it will work.
She still loves him even though he's been hurtful to her but stopping at anything past physical abuse even though her past relationships have been mental torture.
Very sad when i know i could give her love that she had with me and knowing he treats her like ****.
Maybe some women can take it more than others i don't know.

I share in your pain. I have three kids, the youngest being 8months. My partner of 10yrs has an addiction to crystal meth that he cant beat. He admits its a problem and that he has the power to change it but never does more than just speak. After 10yrs the person I know and love is gone. It's crazy what we do and how we justify circumstances because we want to stay, I dont know if I stayed as long because of love or because I was afraid of being on my own? But eventually, like you, I left. At 2mnths pregnant, he beat me and kicked me on the floor, I remember looking around and seeing my 9yr old comforting my 6yr old both in tears and that broke me, I packed up and left my possessions, the place I called home for 3yrs and moved back with my mother. Today, I can honestly say that it was the best move I have ever made. I had my baby, she is now 8mnths old and the best thing that has happened to me since the birth of my middle boy. I am studying agaian and ready to take on the world. I have forgiven him but I havent forgotten. I am a single mother of three, who supports myself and my kids on my own. The fact that you liberated yourself,should give you the power to move on, it proves to him, his family and the world around you that you are a strong person. There is no easy way of breaking free, I still hurt and cry, but rather that than being abused and neglected by the person that I /you thought would be your soulmate, the person who loved you back the same way you loved them. Time heals all, you'll see and when your baby is born, you'll forget even sooner. Best wishes to you :)

Dealing with alcoholism in any one is hard, and I can speak first hand, as my sons father, (my ex), and my father both had drinking problems. Please allow me to be frank here without offending. Stop looking to your ex for closure, he's not going to give it to you. He's an idiot right now, who can't see past the bottle to look at the wonderful things that walked away from him because of it. You are a strong and independant woman. you have proved that by your actions and all that you have done, tried and are doing for you and your son and unborn child. Give yourself closure. The relationship was horrible, most likely (if it was anything like mine), worse than horrible. you took you and your son out of a bad and potentailly worse situation to better your lives because your ex refused to do that with you. There is no turning back and you need to know that you are doing what is best for everyone involved. Who cares if he is with other women, (when someone is in the grips of alcoholism, like attracts like, he is dating female versions of himself. ) Who cares if he doesn't want to see your son, most likely your son is better off for it, he will not need to be witness to the atrocities of the booze that he will undoubtedly grow up seeing. alcholism has been prooven to be genetic, so you are doing a huge justice for your son not having him see it. Do you want your son to grow up just like him? No, of course not. What your son needs is a father, not a drunk. If he were sober and not wanting to see his children, that would be a different fight all together, but this man doesn't even care about himself, how can he possible care about you or your children. You need to move past and realize your closure comes from within. The closure is that neither you nor your children will be subject to his abuse any further.
My ex was a fantastic man when he was sober, we had an amazing relationship, he was the best man I ever knew. But, when the booze took a hold of him it was something else. he abused me mentally and physically both infront of my son. One night in a drunken tirade he tried to kidnap my son and he beat me in front of him. I called the cops and never looked back. Now 3 years later, he is finally sober and getting married. Am I sad? Nope. A little torn that the one thing that always tore us apart is the one he wont touch again, but by leaving, I bettered my life, my sons and eventually his. Stay strong for you and your son. That is what you need to do now. Just live life for your new family unit, the rest and everyone else will just have to take care of themselves. Talk to your doctor, there are many support groups to help you with this time. here is canada there is a good one that helps children deal with the loss of a parent due to divorce, death or addiction, maybe you have one similar where you live. put your son in organised sports and give him opportunities to meet male role models in other settings, because his genetic one, just isn't worth it right now. People with this addiction need to hit rock bottom before they can care about anything else than the bottle. you said his family is very supportive? Perhaps you could all hire an interventionalist? If he wont take the help, I don't know what more closure you could have than that? But, do NOT live your life waiting for him to clean up, come back and things to be great! Life life and if that happens and you are still available, think about it. Pinning for a drunk is no lesson for your children, teach them to be strong and caring by showing them that loving someone doesn't have to hurt and that loving someone does not mean you need to get abused. Teach them about the real way love is supposed to be healthy, not hurtful and abusive. Do you want to be helping out your future daughter in law, the way your ex's family is helping you now?

You've got to ask yourself if you have 20 years to burn...cause that is what it can take if you don't realise that more often than not....they never recover. My take on the matter and I can only speak from my personal family experience is this. I don't believe it's a disease first of all, it's a choice. It's been called a disease to give people a reason not to be held accountable for their willful choices in life. I had both and alcoholic and a drug addict in my family and I can definitely say that once they are in your lives they leave a path behind of destruction and broken dreams. They often never recover from their addictions and with them they take down who ever loves them the most. The only thing that is consistant in their lives is the source of the addictions. I know it's very had when you love someone and you always hope that they will get better or you worry about giving up on them to soon. I think in this scenario you have more than proved you loved him and have walked the thousanth mile for your family. It's sounds harsh at this point but love's got nothing to do with it now...then it did...now is your time and time to save your family from further hurt and emotional damage. His kids will always suffer but you can minimize the damage he does to them. Some times people do come around and realise they made a big mistake but you might not be there to see it and knowing how father time is....you will have more likely than not moved on. I admire what you have done for love and can't say I could have done the same, strong woman for doing so, but moving on to healing is the next step in you situation. I hate to see people....good peolpe, wait for someone who isn't worth it only to find out 20 years later you have wasted all those years and in the interum your kids will have suffered even more. Kids are resilient and they will eventually learn the truth and get over the pain. I know once I got older I did and it made all the difference in the world.

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I think uniform72 is right!
I wasted eight years in one and five in another.
I would love to have that time back! But it is not just old wise tales.
"if I could do it over again I would do it different,"
or if I knew then what I know now."....

To your husband,
I also have been on the other side with my third husband.
After I left my second husband I turned in to him! Drinking!
When I got married I stopped going out for a drink and started buying a bottle for the house.
We started fighting all the time about everything.
And the next day I would feel so bad about the things I said.
I realized it was the alcohol.
One night when I was drinking I throw my glass and told the devil he was not going to use me anymore to hurt my husband! I stopped drinking and all is good!

I was saddened to read of your troubles, but I really do feel you are on the right track in moving on. You Must! And do so without blame to yourself.

You see, I'm a recovering alcoholic and was once the guy you're describing, but by the Grace of a very loving God, AA and some hard work on my part I've been sober for over 10 years now. I really don't know of the misery I put my ex and children through but I know it was probably considerable.

You will never be able to change your ex, the change is going to have to come from within himself. I had alot of encouragement to stop drinking and my employer sent me to 4-5 different rehabs before they fired me. I then lost my wife, home, car and everything else. But losses like this do not bother an alcholic, as long as there are people around to enable his continued drinking.

When I finally hit the bottom and wound up broke, broken, friiendless and homeless and living at a Salvation Army shelter did I finally realize I was the cause of my problem.

I'm going into this to let you know that you need to move on with your life. Don't let the drunken bum pull you down into the cesspool of a life he has created for himself. It's always going to be yours or someone elses faulkt for his drinking. He will not change regardless of your efforts or expressions of love or support - he will actually feed off of that and constantly blame others. He needs to take the Fisrt Step at an AA meeting, admit he has the problem and attack it head on.

Get away from him. Fast. Start your new life without him. And don't look back. If he does sober up be cautious unitl he has some sober time then possibly let him ease back in to your life. I don't know if you're up to it but you could try contact a local Al-Anon group for some support for yourself. They're a group of folks in your situation and could probably give you some insights into dealing with this problem and moving on.

I've reconciled with my children and we are now close and share our lives, so there is hope he may get back to having a life with your son. I tried to reconcile with my ex and apologize but .... Oh, well!

I hope this helps you. I just wanted to give you a bit of an insight to what might be going thru an alcoholics mind and how important it is for you to take care of yourself. Let the drunkard take care of himself.

Good luck to you, and may God blass you and your son.

i cant tell you how to move on, but i can tell you how much i empathize with your stiuation. this sounds so much like what i am going through with my son's father and i know how much you just want them to want to be a good parent and partner. i am still trying to stop taking the blame on myself and i have to remind myself everyday that he is the one missing out on us, and not the other way around. stay strong momma, men like this dont build families, they destroy them.

You are not the problem, and you can't 'fix' him. You can only change in yourself whatever needs to be changed, so that you are able to live in peace and self-awareness. Even though you have left him, which a a positive step, you can still benefit from going to Al-Anon, where you will learn how to start living for yourself and to stop blaming yourself. You are more likely to find yourself in another relationship with someone with another addiction otherwise. You have done the right thing, for yourself and your children. Now take the next step!! Good luck--you can have peace!

And by the way, this is from personal experience. I am married to an alcoholic, and Al-Anon is what has helped me learn how to cope. They can help you even if you are no longer living with the alcoholic.