I Want to Move On From My Alcoholic Ex

I share in your pain. I have three kids, the youngest being 8months. My partner of 10yrs has an addiction to crystal meth that he cant beat. He admits its a problem and that he has the power to change it but never does more than just speak. After 10yrs the person I know and love is gone. It's crazy what we do and how we justify circumstances because we want to stay, I dont know if I stayed as long because of love or because I was afraid of being on my own? But eventually, like you, I left. At 2mnths pregnant, he beat me and kicked me on the floor, I remember looking around and seeing my 9yr old comforting my 6yr old both in tears and that broke me, I packed up and left my possessions, the place I called home for 3yrs and moved back with my mother. Today, I can honestly say that it was the best move I have ever made. I had my baby, she is now 8mnths old and the best thing that has happened to me since the birth of my middle boy. I am studying agaian and ready to take on the world. I have forgiven him but I havent forgotten. I am a single mother of three, who supports myself and my kids on my own. The fact that you liberated yourself,should give you the power to move on, it proves to him, his family and the world around you that you are a strong person. There is no easy way of breaking free, I still hurt and cry, but rather that than being abused and neglected by the person that I /you thought would be your soulmate, the person who loved you back the same way you loved them. Time heals all, you'll see and when your baby is born, you'll forget even sooner. Best wishes to you :)

You've got to ask yourself if you have 20 years to burn...cause that is what it can take if you don't realise that more often than not....they never recover. My take on the matter and I can only speak from my personal family experience is this. I don't believe it's a disease first of all, it's a choice. It's been called a disease to give people a reason not to be held accountable for their willful choices in life. I had both and alcoholic and a drug addict in my family and I can definitely say that once they are in your lives they leave a path behind of destruction and broken dreams. They often never recover from their addictions and with them they take down who ever loves them the most. The only thing that is consistant in their lives is the source of the addictions. I know it's very had when you love someone and you always hope that they will get better or you worry about giving up on them to soon. I think in this scenario you have more than proved you loved him and have walked the thousanth mile for your family. It's sounds harsh at this point but love's got nothing to do with it now...then it did...now is your time and time to save your family from further hurt and emotional damage. His kids will always suffer but you can minimize the damage he does to them. Some times people do come around and realise they made a big mistake but you might not be there to see it and knowing how father time is....you will have more likely than not moved on. I admire what you have done for love and can't say I could have done the same, strong woman for doing so, but moving on to healing is the next step in you situation. I hate to see people....good peolpe, wait for someone who isn't worth it only to find out 20 years later you have wasted all those years and in the interum your kids will have suffered even more. Kids are resilient and they will eventually learn the truth and get over the pain. I know once I got older I did and it made all the difference in the world.

I think uniform72 is right!
I wasted eight years in one and five in another.
I would love to have that time back! But it is not just old wise tales.
"if I could do it over again I would do it different,"
or if I knew then what I know now."....

To your husband,
I also have been on the other side with my third husband.
After I left my second husband I turned in to him! Drinking!
When I got married I stopped going out for a drink and started buying a bottle for the house.
We started fighting all the time about everything.
And the next day I would feel so bad about the things I said.
I realized it was the alcohol.
One night when I was drinking I throw my glass and told the devil he was not going to use me anymore to hurt my husband! I stopped drinking and all is good!

You are not the problem, and you can't 'fix' him. You can only change in yourself whatever needs to be changed, so that you are able to live in peace and self-awareness. Even though you have left him, which a a positive step, you can still benefit from going to Al-Anon, where you will learn how to start living for yourself and to stop blaming yourself. You are more likely to find yourself in another relationship with someone with another addiction otherwise. You have done the right thing, for yourself and your children. Now take the next step!! Good luck--you can have peace!

As a recovering alcoholic who finally seperated from an active alcoholic of over 10 years, I can certainly understand the situation. The hardest part (for me) was not just getting away- leaving him was easy. The hard part for me now (after a seperation of almost two years), is staying away. He is still drinking, and certainly has lucid moments. However, when I'm feeling weak and alone, the temptation to reach out to that one who knew me sooo well (almost 12 years together), is palapable.

I just had a very rough day last Friday, and what did I do? I sent him a rambling, long-winded email. Should I have? Nope- the worse thing to do is to reach out and provide a hint of an 'in', that will let them think they can come back, and provide a scintilla of 'support'. I do NOT need the part-time help and support of an unpredictable drunkard. But- I let my own weakness get the better of me. Sure enough, I received a predictably compassionate response- time-stampted at 4:25am, about the time alcoholics that I know wake up- because the booze is already draining from their sodden systems and they're craving some more.

Stay strong, stay away- and (well...my answer for everything), don't worry about HIS girlfriends- go find yourself someone to warm your bed! That is not a relationship, by all means don't parade potential baby-daddy's in front of your children but, be kind to yourself. (now...I don't really understand that phrase but, people tell me it all the time, so hopefully you'll understand it and do it, AND...if you figure out what that means- let me know!)

Good luck- and UNIFORM72- go screw yourself, and your patronizing, better than thou ways. You sanctimonious sack of turd. This isn't the forum but, I thought I'd tell you publicly, that your choice theory is sick and disgusting. I hope your weenie shrivels up and falls off.

Oh sweepea! I hate that you are embroiled in this...it's nasty, nasty business. Without going into the whole it's a disease, it's an excuse thing, it really doesn't matter what it is called...The only thing that matters is finding some help and relief for yourself. Find a group, people with the same experiences, and they will offer you comfort....experience, strength and hope. It's a place for a soft landing. I can't say it will all be okay, and you cannot un do what has been done, the only thing any of us can do is understand. After the understanding, healing is inevitable. The only help you can offer your children is a new tomorrow. Growing up with alcoholics, even if you choose to never touch a drink or drug, you will still be codependent. It's the peripheral damage that happens....the only way to change it, is to understand it, get help for yourself, because I promise you, you are just as ill. You have been around a very toxic person/situation and you need help. I know it's not fair...all the crap you've tolerated, now YOU have to go get the help, too? But, I swear to you, if you join a alanon group, this time next year, you won't even recognize yourself. In 2 years, you won't even recognize that person from a year ago....Alcoholism stunts growth...spiritual, emotional personal growth...It's scary and humbling..and unknown..but these people have all been there..a different situation, but the same, ya know? Try it! Tell yourself you can do anything for 30 days, and give it everything you can to heal....follow their recommendations and you will begin to heal. If there is anything I can do, let me know. I hate that you are suffering! Get some help! Peace to you!

Be strong and don't let him get to you. Tell him that his addiction to alcohol has ruined your life and your kids. I dealt with an alcholhic most of my life and it was very difficult for me. Caused major depression problems and lost all self esteem. He ended up dying from a Major heart attack because he had high blood pressure and never would go to the doctor. You're still so young... get on with your life and I hope someone will find you and appeciate you for what you are. Best Wishes... Jan

I have to commend you for your strenght. I went through to differnet pregnantcies thinking the same thing. But did not have the courage to leave. Now 20 years after the marrage started, the drinking never curbed, the anger grew out through my 2 boys and my daughter was feeling depressed as I was. I finally got up the nerve and kick him out. my daughter's comment was "I wish you would have done it years ago."

I thought I could "manage" myself and my depression, but am now seeking help, I am learning tha just because my ex blamed me for his drinking, as well as his family, does not make it true. Remember not to take on his problem. Leave it at the door with him.

I am strrggling with my 16 year old daughter to see her dad, as I know that is important, because your dad is your dad. I wnat her to have a relationship with him, but he is not ready yet. So make sure you are on top of that one. Take ccare of youself, God Bless and good luck.

Oh, boy, this brings back memories. As I agree with what jnicecat had to say, I shall add this: Let him go! You're not responsible for him nor his actions, you need to stop worrying about him and you need to quit loving someone who is no longer loving themselves. It sounds hard to do, get a backbone and kick his arse to the curb. You're destroying yourself for what??? A man who decided he needed a bottle more than a loving woman??? You are a woman, you are the stronger one, you are the more responsible one, so why waste your love on this deadbeat??? You do not need him, you need to move on to better things. Girl, you have a young son and another baby on the way, quit being a victim and become a survivor. If that means keeping your son from him and the baby also, then do it!! But, as long as you keep going to his family, you'll never overcome the feelings you have, you need to let go of them also, even though it will hurt you, but you'll overcome this hurt, trust me. I know what I say must seem harsh, but it's reality. I have been around the block to know what I am talking about, I lived with an alcoholic for 2 years and I was even the enabler ( making his drinks and buying his beer), but I had enough and left him. Yes, I loved him, but I also loved myself more and I knew that if I stayed with him or took him back, nothing would change. I gathered all my self-respect, my self-worth, and my sanity and I left without looking back. Right now, you're living for the past, stop and start living for the future, for the sake of your son and new baby. Because what are you teaching your son? Think about that for a second, are you teaching him to be strong or are you teaching him to hope that his daddy will change and come back?
I do apologize if anything I said seems out of line, but you're putting yourself through hell and there's no need for it and your son sees this and it may affect him even more than what you can see with your eyes. For the sake of your son, new baby ( on the way) , and your own sanity, let him go as well as his family, otherwise you'll never move on.
Please if you ever need to talk, I'll be here for you. I will be here cheering you on when you think you can not go on and if you ever need a shoulder, I'm here.
Toni

Wow - this is my story exactly. I feel for you too.
Where did they go? The hardest part for me is not having a best friend, the man I married and trusted. This experience really turned me on my head, and made me really angry. I go to Al-Anon (not as often as I should) and it helps. I still feel angry, bitter and betrayed. I want to get over this - but everyday I am reminded of it -- and it realy hurts.

sorcja is right, don't expect closure from your ex. It just won't happen no matter how hard you try to make sense out of the insanity in the relationship, there is not a way to make sense out of it and so there won't be closure. You'll never think it was the right time to leave, to end it. I know, been there done that, tried to get closure in bad relationships. I'm finally accepting that the only thing to do is to move on and learn to love myself again. You tried to make it a good relationship. Now do what you have to do to be a good mom to your kids and that includes doing things that make you HAPPY, not worried or sad or depressed. Let go of your ex, he chose his life, now you make yours the way you want it, make yourself move on to things that make you happy.

My dad was an alcoholic too, quietone. I drank alot on my younger years, then basically quit.

I drank more alcohol in the last 6 months than I drank in the prior 15 years due to being with an alcoholic who promised me to change. The only thing that really changed was that I started drinking with him at night. I too became overemotional: angry, depressed, demanding. Part of getting me back, after I left that relationship, was drinking less, now I feel better. I hope you can find peace for yourself.

Type your comment here...my wife is a drunkin ***** too. do you self a favor give up on him. i know u want to understand why and how and u think that he still loves you etc but he dosent the booze is all he knows and it will never change took me almost 10 years and i still havent completly admitted to myself that the person i loved is gone forever.even if he stops drinkin its too late he will always b a **** and even if u think u forgive him memories will remain.also u cant force a person to b a parent if u have to then the kid is better off with out them any damm way.good luck to u and let me know if u wanna go et drunk sometime haha

My first marriage was to an alcoholic- I left because I didn't want my two children turning our like him.



The best advice I can give you is to know all the bad he said to you is nothing other than a reflection on how he feels inside- No doubt alcoholics hate them self deep inside and know they are all the problem- but your dealing with a person who does not want to see reality because it's 1 too painful and 2 it forces him to make a decision on his drinking- He has not reached the bottom yet by you leaving but that may come soon- You should never put your life on hold because some people do not recover form this..


I personally do not like calling alcoholism a disease because calling it a disease means they have no control over it and I believe they do it's just a matter of finding inside themselfs and making a clear decision to not drink as it ruined their life and others.



Pick yourself up dust yourself off your still young and you have bigger things to worry about like your children then to be a babysitter & mommy of a man that doesn't want to face reality and man up to his responsibilities.



When I first left my ex I read a book that stated that 9 out of 10 women in bad relationships tend to remarry the same type- the way to break this cycle is to write on a piece of paper (what you want in a man and what you don't want in a man or relationship) this way you can clearly see what is going on and this does make it easier when your in the dating realm again.

Hey babe, my husband is an alcoholic. when i met him 15yrs ago he would drink excessively and get very jealous, and i thought ah he's a young lad and he must really love me to be so jealous. i fell pregnant and noticed his drinking and his behaviour got worse, i loved him so much but he was really hurting me, mentaly, physically and financially, as time went on and through many broken promises, the problem got worse each time... in december last yr he told me he was leaving me (sober i might add at this time) he eventually left me In feb this yr, it was all really nasty and i was so understanding too, yet devastated by his leaving. I do have my suspicions that he had another woman lined up, but he will never admit it. In May once i was beginning to rebuild my and my daughters lives he wanted me back, he needed me and needed my help, cant live without me ect. However in the august after nearly taking him back i found out by my daughters friends mum that he was still continuuing to drink and giving his daughter monies to keep her quiet, this upset her and she didnt know who to turn to, so she turned to her friends mum, she didnt want me upset bless her. I was shocked and hurt when i was told, that he was still drinking, despite him saying ive done well i havent had a drink since i left you! this really hurts. with this it has left me confused, i dont feel like the strong person i was begginning to become, he is behaving like the most loving and caring person, yet i feel it is all so fake, ive been so hurt by him and i dont trust him anymore.. i feel so confused and emotionally drained. he began to get help for his drinking in october, still wanting me back, i dont know what to do, he is such a loving and kind man when sober so this makes it really difficult. any advice for me to please.