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I Want to Move On From My Alcoholic Ex

A few months ago at the age of 26, I decided to leave my alcoholic ex. We had been together for 10 years and we have an 8 year old son and I am also 4 months pregnant again.  I have been through heel and back over the last year as has my son between chances after chances to be thrown in our face again. I've always supported myself, so while it was wrenching for me to leave my familiar prison, I was reasonably sure I could rebuild my life and start over as a single mother.

I will spare you the details of how wretchedly intolerable the situation was and how justified I was in leaving him, but they involved the usual alcoholic atrocities and then some: lying, gambling, refusing to take responsibility for his son, wont support us with a penny, financial disaster, verbal abuse, betrayal of trust, denial, physical and emotional estrangement, shifting of blame. I felt I had to leave him to save my own life and my sons, and since he blamed me for everything bad about his life, I thought he wouldn't object. He didn't; he isnn't, he refuses to see his son for 3 months now not a word to him despite my begging pleading anything to stop the hurt to my son and me. Of course I'd already tried everything partners of alcoholics try: pleading, bribing, screaming, co-drinking, codependency, threats, trying to ignore him everthing but unfortunately I was just not strong enough or secure enough in myself. 

His family have been good to me trying to make sense of it all but of course no oe can make sense of it and seeing as he is refusing to admit he has a problem and blames me whenever anyones says anything to him then there is not much progress.

So putting all the hurt and lonliness aside I decided to seek advice from a solicitor as to formal maintenance payments and should he decide to see his son in the future to let him know there will be no argument from me.

While sometimes I feel like this is not his fault he has a problem he has a disease t does not stop the hurt, the betrayal. The knowing that he is out drinking being happy probably with other girls while we are sitiing at home enduring the pain.

 

I really want to distant myself from it and move on I really so for my own sanity aswell as happiness and being a proper mum to my boy and other child to come I jsut feel like I dont have closure.

I loved him once and still do alot the old him. I'd like to forgive him. But I don't know where he went; the person I loved is gone and only the addiction inhabits his body. He hates me and blames me for everything, including his drinking, even though he will not admit that he has a problem. Can you tell me how to move on, reach resolution and forgive myself, him and just move on??
 

kerrimunro1982 kerrimunro1982 26-30, F 52 Responses Oct 8, 2008

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I have to share my testimony to the world because i dont know who it might be helpful to.
My name is Mrs Elizabeth Peters from chicago am 25 years old i got married at the age of 23 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream’s of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cry and cry seeking for help, i discussed it with my best friend Allix and she promise to help me. She told me of a man called DR KOBOKO YYA, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has help countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I was really convince, I quickly contacted his email address at dr.koboko@gmail.com . I explain all my problem to him, he told me that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, and it really happen as he said, i was very surprise, this is so amazing.
To God be the glory our relationship is now very tight and we both live happily again. If you having similar problem, Contact him now (dr.koboko@gmail.com) and get your problem solve once and for all.

It is his fault. He wants you to feel sorry for him and make excuses, because then that means he doesn't have to take responsibility for his choices. My ex, also an alcoholic, was exactly the same way. 'I drank too much and you should have ignored all the nasty things I said to you instead of standing up for yourself, because that made me angry and THAT'S why I went downstairs and scratched up someone's car with my keys and did $10,000 worth of damage to it. All your fault'.
He may have a problem, but he is CHOOSING to let it continue. It's victim mentality, and the more people feel sorry for him, the less likely he is to get help. Because as long as there are people around, his stunted brain will interpret that as a sign that his behaviour is fine.

Hi Guys, <br />
You all just remind me of the situation i'm in, I told him to leave last Tuesday because he was just like the men described in these posts. i know o deserve better but i feel so many different emotions, i thought men would be flocking to come over, but I have noone, this is hard, i know the guy was a loser but what so i do by myself all the time? help

These poor kids. If you are in a position to get out of an alcoholic living environment, then do! You will have heart ache after leaving but the heart ache you will have when your kids become drunks or marry a drunk will be worse and prolonged. Make the clean break and get away. They leave a path of victims and distraction . The take the free ride and hop abroad the money train until they pump it dry. They know just how to keep you and prololong you leaving. Do not trust their moments of kindness. They are acting to get their next need met. They steat from loved ones, manipulate,lie, socailize with other drunks yet put them down to you as if they are not friends with them. They are involved with other unknown women and put their family's very Heath at risk by doing this with no regard, regret or remorse. If you continue to put up with this ask your self why? If the reasons are from Insecurity your are lying to yourself because you are not secure with Him, if it's love well that is not love, if it is habit then get therapy and get healthy asap!!! Alcohol is a family disease. It effects everyone who knows them. Parents are constant ATM machines and enablers, wives are as well and used as the scapegoat for their behaviors, extended family is also involved with their wheeling and dealing. Wake up and walk out. Get yoirself in allenan if you are someone in their lives. You will come out stronger and regain yoir self worth. Until the alcoholic gets help they continue to be a parasite on their famiiys life.

My husband has been an alcoholic for years. I chose to ignore it. I did not participate and the space between us grew bigger and bigger. He has hardly any relationship with his child. I am tired of the broken promises and endless lies. The lies are so frequent he can't even tell the truth if you asked him what color the sky was. His health is spiraling downward. He has almost lost everything in his life. It is very sad and j have done everything a person can possibly do at this point but truly he has to be the one to help himself. His mom and dad did not believe me and enabled him when I made a break from him. He just moved on from there to feed his addiction. My son and I are working towards a more secure future. I am hopeful that he wakes up one day and gets himself clean. My child can not be a witness anymore to the behaviorisms if thi alcoholic. The hardest thing is breaking the cycle and I am stating to do that!! They are parasites that feed of the host! (great analogy) anyway, this host will no longer be around to feed off of!!!

My heart goes out to all the women and children in your situation. I don't understand the men.<br />
<br />
I spent a couple of decades abusing multiple drugs (coke, acid, weed, ecstasy, painkillers) and alcohol but when I found out I was going to be a father it wasn't even an issue. I just stopped. <br />
<br />
It didn't happen all at once, but gradually I found my priorities shifted and I got busy doing other things so that by the time my daughter arrived I hadn't been buzzed on anything but the excitement of it all for months.<br />
<br />
I'd like to say it was an example of my incredible willpower or something, but really it didn't even seem to take much of an effort on my part. I just wanted to do more important things more than I wanted to get drunk or high.<br />
<br />
It's strange, because when I was single and had only myself to look out for, I hit rock bottom (joblessness, homelessness, hunger, drunk tanks) again and again and couldn't make myself stop, but as soon as I found out I was going to be a father it was like it had never even been an issue. (I was up from rock bottom before I met the wife but I was still abusing)<br />
<br />
I know tooting my own horn like this does nothing to help the women who find themselves with mates who aren't as lucky as me and are overcome by their addictions, but ...<br />
<br />
Bah I don't even know what my point was, except to say that I and most of society that's worth a damn have the greatest respect for you, and are willing to help out as much as possible.

I have just finished with my boyfriend two weeks ago.He used to down strongbow like it was fizzy pop and his treat at the wkend was to drink a large bottle of vodka each day with red bull downing each bottle in half an hr.He was also a coke addict.He has put two love letters through my door and cried outside my window begging me to be with him.Why do I feel so sorry for him and guilty.? I pine for him all day and night even though he was controlling,verbally abusive and manipulative.Feel like my heart is gonna break.I want to hold him and smell him and be loved but I know I can never take him back.Does the pain ever go away?

I have been married for 17 years(which was arranged by hindu custom)we both were shy timid people.I always took care of myself financially and then took care of kids.He never took responsibilty for us.always had some issues,first gambling,then drinking,then friends.we never featured in his life.im educated and we got divorced(only on paper-due to his financial problems)but he demanded a settlement amount just in case I really left him.I paid him yet we still lived together.Never any respect or care for me yet I continued.He leaves in morning,come next morning -partying with friends,bar.Eventually I got tired and kicked him out.He doesnt ever contact me yet I hope he comes grovelling back.Why am I so stupid to want him back,yet I never know if he ever loved me.Never once he bought me anything,never stood by my side,so why do I continue to love him yet he says ''he doesnt want me anymore''.whats wrong with me.I have my own house,cars,smart,beautiful YET want him only.Im in love with him.how can someone love so much to person who shows you ,you mean nothing

I have a 4 yr old to an alcoholic/gambling ex....Iv never had these issues myself, but have an ex and a step parent who are bad alcoholics, ive seen it...but guys...my question is how can it be ok or alright for anyone with kids stay with an alcoholic (abusive or not) and not think that its some kind of " child abuse" for kids to watch a person drinking themselves stupid?????? anyone? if children watch this sort of stuff arent we basically ruining their lives, by letting them think this is acceptable???

Why are all of you women getting pregnant by these losers??? Yeah, let's bring a child into your crazy world. I'm sorry, but that is devoid of all logic.

People aren't born alcoholics/substance abusers. They become them. The man I left today is NOT the same man I married 10 years ago...

I also have an alcoholic ex. Fortunately he wants to see his children and can hold his job to help support us financially, but the debt he created is devastating. I knew I had to divorce him when I started seeing signs of depression in myself. I knew my children needed at least one healthy parent. They inspire me and keep me going. I've never felt such peace and strength as the day that I got him out of our home. While it's still a struggle almost daily with calls from collections agencies and when he cancels on the kids at the last minute, those are struggles I can deal with. Now I don't have to wonder whether or not he's coming home or, if he comes home, what I'll have to deal with when he walks in the door. <br />
The first six months was really tough. I could see glimpses of the silver lining out there, but it was hard to get out from under all the pain and fear. Now that it's been almost a year, I've regained a lot of the confidence that I lost with all the emotional abuse. Now I have this strength, all this peace, all this amazing ability to be WHO I AM instead of being the wife of a very sick man. <br />
It gets better and better. Hard days still come, but the good days are so very much better than the bad ones. I never doubt my decision. I feel sorry for him, but these were his choices, disease or not, that caused this. Not mine. My choice is to live, to teach my children how to live. <br />
Good luck to you. And peace.

Cagedkitty the ending to your post was hilarious. Wasn't seeing that coming!

My name is tobey I am an alcoholic. My best advice to you is to stop all contact with him. My wife is doing this to me and it's killing me. I know how much pain I have caused her and our children an I don't want to return until I'm sober with time under my belt. And this is coming from an alcoholic. If your calling him and trying to get him involved with his son there is no use at this point. Don't subject yourself or your kids to that mess. I know it hurts but he has to truly losewhat he thought he controlled. Once you take that power away from him something will happen. It can be dangerous so plan it well get help my heart goes out to you and your kids. And never never ever let him make you feel like it is your fault. Or make you doubt your self worth empower yourself and he will come crawling back with his tail tucked between his legs.

Hi I was wondering how u were coming along w/your recovery &amp; if u could give me some advice..thank you.

I'm glad you are taking the steps to get yourself better. I left my husband just a few weeks ago. He doesn't have anything without me. I was the sole breadwinner, and honestly, I felt bad for leaving him alone, homeless and without care. He hated me at first, but I just kept reminding myself that as long as I was there to take care of him, he would never take care of himself... He called me yesterday, to thank me. He says I saved his life.

Needed to read this!

Screw alcoholics. I mean that. Literally. A parasite weakens the host in order to achieve maximum level of benefit for itself.

It's unfortunate that *cagedkitty* still sounds like a dry drunk despite having given up the drink. Guess that's what happens to old booze hounds... <br />
<br />
I ditched my last girlfriend when I found out that she and her gal pals always end their bar crawls in an unlady like fashion; they blow chunks on the dance floor, on the bar, in the bathroom sink, wherever they happen to be. And they don't think they are alcoholic... See ya! I am glad I finally inquired. This is a woman I met at the gym, someone who enjoys the sauna, practices yoga, eats well and abhors drug use... But when it comes to the juice she drinks till she spews... Not my kind'a dame! Thank you but no thanks just the same! I usually become aware of a persons bad habits within a few months, at least the most glaring ones, and when I detect them, I bail... why traverse a road littered with IEDs?

my boyfriend got so drunk, beat me unconscious, stole all my money and then when i woke up threw every piece of cutlery at me. i tried to hang myself because he took my car keys, phone and locked the front door so i couldn't escape.<br />
he then called the police and told them i was doing it all to him. i went to the mental ward in hospital and my father came and picked me up.<br />
<br />
Im 22 and he was 36. his liver is failing because hes been an alcoholic for 15 years and sometimes he would use drugs AS SOON as he gets paid which is at 2am, then during the day would buy alcohol and the money would run out about 7pm... then he realised he had a girlfriend who still had her money.<br />
<br />
he made no sense when he was drinking. he would talk in a maori accent even though hes australian. then he would lie on the floor holding his liver and vomit until he went to sleep.<br />
<br />
i was with him for a whole year and to be frankly honest, now that im out of that place, it was the best year of my life. not because he bashed me and took my money, but because im the one who learnt and changed to become this strong-willed person.<br />
<br />
he calls my dad every night telling him he will beat the crap out of him and that hes going to hang himself. we laugh because hes too gutless to do any of it and he just calls back in 5 minutes saying that we are all crazy.<br />
<br />
its been only a fortnight since i was in hospital, but things are getting so much better. i went to court and got a restraining order so now he cant even mumble a word to me, my friends or family without being charged for it.<br />
when i was with him<br />
i saw my friends twice a year and my parents about 10 times. and i cried every night for them. i was so depressed that i didnt get out of bed for days.. i never took a shower. there was no food either so i had nothing. i missed so much fun and birthdays.. i had to explain that i wasnt feeling well and cried myself to sleep while he was screaming at me-- that i didnt care about him.<br />
<br />
i checked his facebook the other day and its filled with rants about how much i manipulated him, then hes added about 30 women and liked the idea of having sex with someone on his list. then to top it off hes harrassing my friends telling them that he misses me.<br />
<br />
he misses my money and my car thats all there is to it.<br />
<br />
but here's my little secret... just because he's doing what he does best, doesnt mean in anyway that i have to be sad about it. let him go off and enjoy his addiction.. hes got $300 less than he did. he's now got his own bills to pay, his food to buy and a house filled with holes from his punches. and if people help him out, thank god its not me! they can deal with his crap because i have no time for him.<br />
<br />
i have my family. i now have money i can spend whenever i feel like it! i can get drunk with my friends- giggle and laugh, dance and talk to people without being abused. i can get a fake tan, buy low cut tops, sweat it out on the treadmill, look and talk to men. ( we had a friend of his living in our house and for the whole 2 months i was forced into a room and was beaten when i said something to him because my boyfriend thought i was sleeping with him)<br />
<br />
so never fear. if you cant get out of the situation, maybe he will call the cops on you to get you out when he gets drunk. and dont be sad. in my head everyday i tell him thankyou for doing it.. the unemployed drug addict alcohlic actually saved my life- from him!<br />
call the cops on him when he gets too drunk. or even go for a drive and come back at 4am.. when hes passed out, then pack your things, snap your sim card for your mobile and go and get a restraining order.. you'll thank yourself for it later.<br />
<br />
and then when you feel better.. go find the man who will make you feel good about yourself. walk away from the bad ones because they only know how to have way too much 'fun' and that fun only lasts a week or so before your brain clicks and says "umm what the hell is wrong with him??"<br />
<br />
your not alone. you know yourself better than anyone.

my boyfriend got so drunk, beat me unconscious, stole all my money and then when i woke up threw every piece of cutlery at me. i tried to hang myself because he took my car keys, phone and locked the front door so i couldn't escape.<br />
he then called the police and told them i was doing it all to him. i went to the mental ward in hospital and my father came and picked me up.<br />
<br />
Im 22 and he was 36. his liver is failing because hes been an alcoholic for 15 years and sometimes he would use drugs AS SOON as he gets paid which is at 2am, then during the day would buy alcohol and the money would run out about 7pm... then he realised he had a girlfriend who still had her money.<br />
<br />
he made no sense when he was drinking. he would talk in a maori accent even though hes australian. then he would lie on the floor holding his liver and vomit until he went to sleep.<br />
<br />
i was with him for a whole year and to be frankly honest, now that im out of that place, it was the best year of my life. not because he bashed me and took my money, but because im the one who learnt and changed to become this strong-willed person.<br />
<br />
he calls my dad every night telling him he will beat the crap out of him and that hes going to hang himself. we laugh because hes too gutless to do any of it and he just calls back in 5 minutes saying that we are all crazy.<br />
<br />
its been only a fortnight since i was in hospital, but things are getting so much better. i went to court and got a restraining order so now he cant even mumble a word to me, my friends or family without being charged for it.<br />
when i was with him<br />
i saw my friends twice a year and my parents about 10 times. and i cried every night for them. i was so depressed that i didnt get out of bed for days.. i never took a shower. there was no food either so i had nothing. i missed so much fun and birthdays.. i had to explain that i wasnt feeling well and cried myself to sleep while he was screaming at me-- that i didnt care about him.<br />
<br />
i checked his facebook the other day and its filled with rants about how much i manipulated him, then hes added about 30 women and liked the idea of having sex with someone on his list. then to top it off hes harrassing my friends telling them that he misses me.<br />
<br />
he misses my money and my car thats all there is to it.<br />
<br />
but here's my little secret... just because he's doing what he does best, doesnt mean in anyway that i have to be sad about it. let him go off and enjoy his addiction.. hes got $300 less than he did. he's now got his own bills to pay, his food to buy and a house filled with holes from his punches. and if people help him out, thank god its not me! they can deal with his crap because i have no time for him.<br />
<br />
i have my family. i now have money i can spend whenever i feel like it! i can get drunk with my friends- giggle and laugh, dance and talk to people without being abused. i can get a fake tan, buy low cut tops, sweat it out on the treadmill, look and talk to men. ( we had a friend of his living in our house and for the whole 2 months i was forced into a room and was beaten when i said something to him because my boyfriend thought i was sleeping with him)<br />
<br />
so never fear. if you cant get out of the situation, maybe he will call the cops on you to get you out when he gets drunk. and dont be sad. in my head everyday i tell him thankyou for doing it.. the unemployed drug addict alcohlic actually saved my life- from him!<br />
call the cops on him when he gets too drunk. or even go for a drive and come back at 4am.. when hes passed out, then pack your things, snap your sim card for your mobile and go and get a restraining order.. you'll thank yourself for it later.<br />
<br />
and then when you feel better.. go find the man who will make you feel good about yourself. walk away from the bad ones because they only know how to have way too much 'fun' and that fun only lasts a week or so before your brain clicks and says "umm what the hell is wrong with him??"<br />
<br />
your not alone. you know yourself better than anyone.

My Bf and i have been dating for 6 years. im 25 and he is 38 , i love him so much but he is an alcoholic big time on gin. He never admits its a problem, but oh my is it ever. he will get verbally absuive and get drunk to the point he rolls his eyes back and makes no sence every night! he goes to the liqour store 4 times a week for a hugh bottle of gin he can polish it off within 2 days. (maybe some nights just one night to finsh it) we are moving in to a really nice place together in 2 days, i have had enough i cry everynight, but there is no turning back on th is place..... im lost i need help

My Bf and i have been dating for 6 years. im 25 and he is 38 , i love him so much but he is an alcoholic big time on gin. He never admits its a problem, but oh my is it ever. he will get verbally absuive and get drunk to the point he rolls his eyes back and makes no sence every night! he goes to the liqour store 4 times a week for a hugh bottle of gin he can polish it off within 2 days. (maybe some nights just one night to finsh it) we are moving in to a really nice place together in 2 days, i have had enough i cry everynight, but there is no turning back on th is place..... im lost i need help

Attendeing a support group like al-anon or coda(codependence anonymous) will help alot. Furthermore. the book called"Codependent No more' BY mELODIE bEATTIE IS THE MOST HELPFUL<br />
book for anyone in your situation and then some. Please do get the book , you'll not regret it.I guarantee it1!!

My son-in-law is an alcoholic and my daughter has finally decided to end the marriage. She did, however, make the mistake of telling him it's over. Since then he has done her as much dirt as he possibly can. Now, to our horror, he has dragged their 8-year-old into it by taking several prescription pills, then telling his daughter he is going to die, to call her mother, that he no longer wants to live. I am livid! The man is a total narcissist who thinks of no one other than himself. I think my daughter should refuse him visitation rights until he gets off the bottle for at least a year!

Currently as I write, there is a willful alcoholic downstairs at my apartment complex who throws firecrackers every time he gets drunk. Talk about fire hazard...a drunk playing with fire. Geez!<br />
Addiction is not a disease...i agree with the guy who said on his post that people often play that card to avoid responsibility. The core of the problem however is spiritual...willfullness, ego, desire to avoid reality, deceit, selfishness, and interest in only the more baser aspects of life (sex, party..etc) The substances might make them worse, but in the case of alcoholism, it's been my experience that alcohol acts as a truth serum, and when they drink it, the truth comes out, as well as their true nature....sometimes of course alcoholism makes them worse, but it doesn't solely create people's actions. It may blind them from having the ability to have self-awareness of their actions. I met an alcoholic recently who likes "boys". He was angry that I questioned whether he was a ********* or not. But all day, all he could say was boy, boy, boy, boy. Go figure. And he had the most amazing defense mechanisms to try to mentally justify all this. He didn't start talking about all this until he took a little truth serum (vodka) out of the refigerator...and by the way, he's a Harvard graduate. By the end of the day, this guy thought I was crazy because I questioned this mess, because he had to put it all off onto me in order to continue rationalizing his stories. He had one story about being caught in the shower naked with a young boy. I said, "Did he sleepwalk to get in there?" he didn't like that comment, naturally.<br />
If you try to make an addict face the truth, expect to be attacked in one way or another. They will have to find a way to put everything off onto someone else, and they will so damn willfully do it....it may not end up as a pretty situation.<br />
If you are in a relationship with an addict and are unhappy, take solace in the fact that you don't have their nature. If you did you would be happy in that environment. If you had the same nature, you wouldn't see anything wrong with it because you'd have to hate yourself. Another poster is right about like attracts like, but in some cases there are exceptions, and a person on a higher level can get mixed up in this kind of mess if they lack the discrimination to discern character, or if they are easily swayed by certain kinds of deception or maybe for other reasons. But in most cases, you can be sure that the people an addict is around is on the same wavelength.<br />
I know addicts are people, but don't join the ride with them....it's going nowhere really really fast.

I saw your message regarding you wanting your Ex back!! My name is Prophetess Talya Garu.... I cast many kinds of spells.. Love spells, Money spells, Career spells, banishing spells and money. Please kindly reply if you need my service,here is my e-mail: prpht117@gmail.com<br />
<br />
Peace Be Unto you.

Hey babe, my husband is an alcoholic. when i met him 15yrs ago he would drink excessively and get very jealous, and i thought ah he's a young lad and he must really love me to be so jealous. i fell pregnant and noticed his drinking and his behaviour got worse, i loved him so much but he was really hurting me, mentaly, physically and financially, as time went on and through many broken promises, the problem got worse each time... in december last yr he told me he was leaving me (sober i might add at this time) he eventually left me In feb this yr, it was all really nasty and i was so understanding too, yet devastated by his leaving. I do have my suspicions that he had another woman lined up, but he will never admit it. In May once i was beginning to rebuild my and my daughters lives he wanted me back, he needed me and needed my help, cant live without me ect. However in the august after nearly taking him back i found out by my daughters friends mum that he was still continuuing to drink and giving his daughter monies to keep her quiet, this upset her and she didnt know who to turn to, so she turned to her friends mum, she didnt want me upset bless her. I was shocked and hurt when i was told, that he was still drinking, despite him saying ive done well i havent had a drink since i left you! this really hurts. with this it has left me confused, i dont feel like the strong person i was begginning to become, he is behaving like the most loving and caring person, yet i feel it is all so fake, ive been so hurt by him and i dont trust him anymore.. i feel so confused and emotionally drained. he began to get help for his drinking in october, still wanting me back, i dont know what to do, he is such a loving and kind man when sober so this makes it really difficult. any advice for me to please.

My first marriage was to an alcoholic- I left because I didn't want my two children turning our like him.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The best advice I can give you is to know all the bad he said to you is nothing other than a reflection on how he feels inside- No doubt alcoholics hate them self deep inside and know they are all the problem- but your dealing with a person who does not want to see reality because it's 1 too painful and 2 it forces him to make a decision on his drinking- He has not reached the bottom yet by you leaving but that may come soon- You should never put your life on hold because some people do not recover form this..<br />
<br />
<br />
I personally do not like calling alcoholism a disease because calling it a disease means they have no control over it and I believe they do it's just a matter of finding inside themselfs and making a clear decision to not drink as it ruined their life and others.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Pick yourself up dust yourself off your still young and you have bigger things to worry about like your children then to be a babysitter & mommy of a man that doesn't want to face reality and man up to his responsibilities.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
When I first left my ex I read a book that stated that 9 out of 10 women in bad relationships tend to remarry the same type- the way to break this cycle is to write on a piece of paper (what you want in a man and what you don't want in a man or relationship) this way you can clearly see what is going on and this does make it easier when your in the dating realm again.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years and I should have got out years ago.If you are away from it good for you I have been beat,put in the hospital several times and I still don't know why I stay.He is now sober but because of years of drinking is now very ill.My advise to anyone involved with an alcoholic is to get out you can't fix them that is for them to do you only hurt yourself and your loved ones by staying.

Type your comment here...my wife is a drunkin ***** too. do you self a favor give up on him. i know u want to understand why and how and u think that he still loves you etc but he dosent the booze is all he knows and it will never change took me almost 10 years and i still havent completly admitted to myself that the person i loved is gone forever.even if he stops drinkin its too late he will always b a **** and even if u think u forgive him memories will remain.also u cant force a person to b a parent if u have to then the kid is better off with out them any damm way.good luck to u and let me know if u wanna go et drunk sometime haha

I'm married to an alcoholic husband. You're welcome to view my blog and my story/journey so far:<br />
<br />
http://alcoholicspartner.blogspot.com/

My dad was an alcoholic too, quietone. I drank alot on my younger years, then basically quit.<br />
<br />
I drank more alcohol in the last 6 months than I drank in the prior 15 years due to being with an alcoholic who promised me to change. The only thing that really changed was that I started drinking with him at night. I too became overemotional: angry, depressed, demanding. Part of getting me back, after I left that relationship, was drinking less, now I feel better. I hope you can find peace for yourself.

I had an alcoholic dad and an alcoholic husband I loved my dad and he drown due to his addiction and my husband became an alcoholic & cheated on me and I wasted 12 yrs on him.I also dated an alcoholic that faked a relationship with me just to have sex. Ill never waste my time with someone who isnt going to change for themselves I wont suffer anymore from alcoholism.I have a real problem with alcohol and I barely drink myself it makes me down and depressed the next day.

sorcja is right, don't expect closure from your ex. It just won't happen no matter how hard you try to make sense out of the insanity in the relationship, there is not a way to make sense out of it and so there won't be closure. You'll never think it was the right time to leave, to end it. I know, been there done that, tried to get closure in bad relationships. I'm finally accepting that the only thing to do is to move on and learn to love myself again. You tried to make it a good relationship. Now do what you have to do to be a good mom to your kids and that includes doing things that make you HAPPY, not worried or sad or depressed. Let go of your ex, he chose his life, now you make yours the way you want it, make yourself move on to things that make you happy.

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Wow - this is my story exactly. I feel for you too. <br />
Where did they go? The hardest part for me is not having a best friend, the man I married and trusted. This experience really turned me on my head, and made me really angry. I go to Al-Anon (not as often as I should) and it helps. I still feel angry, bitter and betrayed. I want to get over this - but everyday I am reminded of it -- and it realy hurts.

I have been with 3 alcoholics and it does not get easyer. You have to make yourself healthy for your kids. They desreve better. I said I would never get married again but I found a good guy who can have one drink. Al-Anon helped me lots to deal. And to understand myself better.

Oh, boy, this brings back memories. As I agree with what jnicecat had to say, I shall add this: Let him go! You're not responsible for him nor his actions, you need to stop worrying about him and you need to quit loving someone who is no longer loving themselves. It sounds hard to do, get a backbone and kick his arse to the curb. You're destroying yourself for what??? A man who decided he needed a bottle more than a loving woman??? You are a woman, you are the stronger one, you are the more responsible one, so why waste your love on this deadbeat??? You do not need him, you need to move on to better things. Girl, you have a young son and another baby on the way, quit being a victim and become a survivor. If that means keeping your son from him and the baby also, then do it!! But, as long as you keep going to his family, you'll never overcome the feelings you have, you need to let go of them also, even though it will hurt you, but you'll overcome this hurt, trust me. I know what I say must seem harsh, but it's reality. I have been around the block to know what I am talking about, I lived with an alcoholic for 2 years and I was even the enabler ( making his drinks and buying his beer), but I had enough and left him. Yes, I loved him, but I also loved myself more and I knew that if I stayed with him or took him back, nothing would change. I gathered all my self-respect, my self-worth, and my sanity and I left without looking back. Right now, you're living for the past, stop and start living for the future, for the sake of your son and new baby. Because what are you teaching your son? Think about that for a second, are you teaching him to be strong or are you teaching him to hope that his daddy will change and come back?<br />
I do apologize if anything I said seems out of line, but you're putting yourself through hell and there's no need for it and your son sees this and it may affect him even more than what you can see with your eyes. For the sake of your son, new baby ( on the way) , and your own sanity, let him go as well as his family, otherwise you'll never move on.<br />
Please if you ever need to talk, I'll be here for you. I will be here cheering you on when you think you can not go on and if you ever need a shoulder, I'm here.<br />
Toni

I feel your anguish. Though I've never experienced a family life full of alcoholism (growing up with it) I, for some reason, ended up marrying into it ~ unbenownst to me. I knew/went out with/my husband for two years before we got married. He met my family in the mid-Atlantic, I met his in New England, and we just hit it off. Nowhere was there a sign of his alcohol abuse issue until six months after we were married. Long story short or just a plain-ol' long story, it was a down-hill spiral from there. My belief is that no alcoholic is unique and all are pretty typical across the board. Lying, deception, cheating, false promises, shifted blame, extreme financial debt, non-stop babysitting, alcohol odors permeating the rooms when they walk through the door, humiliation towards the non-abuser in front of their friends or yours. The long laundry list of these troubles goes on and on and on. I believe some or all can relate to this list. I went through the usual: "I've got to save him" and "He needs to detox/rehab and be cured" and "If I stay longer, maybe there'll be a chance that he'll get better" and "I feel guilty if I leave him now as I'll be abandoning him". Well, guess what? I spent the first two years in euphoric bliss for having met a gifted/talented nurse/911 hero and the sweetest man any woman could have ever alligned herself with to the first three years of marriage babysitting him and crying buckets of confusing tears trying to figure out how I got myself into this mess, to the last three years trying to "fix" his problem. I finally left. I figured out that to get back my lost six years on some level was by not spending the rest of my valuable life trying to save someone who didn't want help. It's not a disease, it's a choice. Alcoholics CAN rid themselves of the problem, but the only reason they continue is because they choose to continue, dragging their loved ones down with them. I took the boldest step I could have taken and LEFT!!! I sharpened my wit and my tongue and told him to get a life and a backbone and get used to the fact that I was no longer going to babysit him. That was the boldest move I'd ever made. My thinking is this: you have to take care of you. YOU don't have an alcohol problem, therefore, you have to continue living your alcohol-free/prison-free life. The choice is ALSO yours, just as it was mine, just as it is your spouse's and mine. You have the choice to enable the alcoholic, to help them along in staying with their addiction, or you can come away from it and save yourself. I don't care what it is that you do. Take your kids with you and go to a relative's, a friend's and swallow your pride for the sake of your kids, because your kids will thank you for it later. Make the best choice. Don't worry about it being right or wrong. Is it wrong to get a divorce? That depends on your conscience, your faith (if you have one) or your thinking. I don't know, but is it the BEST choice? For my situation, walking away from a debiliating marriage was the BEST choice. Now, I am concentrating on my nursing studies, a focus I've never had the chance being with my husband. I live life the way I want to, now. I could never say that being with him. If he wants to get away from alcoholism, then that's a choice he'll have to make. I've got my own life and I am doing just fine!

I have to commend you for your strenght. I went through to differnet pregnantcies thinking the same thing. But did not have the courage to leave. Now 20 years after the marrage started, the drinking never curbed, the anger grew out through my 2 boys and my daughter was feeling depressed as I was. I finally got up the nerve and kick him out. my daughter's comment was "I wish you would have done it years ago." <br />
<br />
I thought I could "manage" myself and my depression, but am now seeking help, I am learning tha just because my ex blamed me for his drinking, as well as his family, does not make it true. Remember not to take on his problem. Leave it at the door with him. <br />
<br />
I am strrggling with my 16 year old daughter to see her dad, as I know that is important, because your dad is your dad. I wnat her to have a relationship with him, but he is not ready yet. So make sure you are on top of that one. Take ccare of youself, God Bless and good luck.

you cannot fix him, it is about him, he is an alcoholic and you could walk to the ends of the earth and back and he would still not change..He needs to handle this and deal with his demons, he is sick. i do not expect you to have pity for him. i am in AA and i was self centerd and only cared about pills and booze, i lost so much time in my life until i got into AA. it is a new year and be thankful that you are not dealing with him daily like you were. work on you go to alanon and you will get to be around other people that are in the same boat as you, it will help you so much i promise... hang on beautiful, breath and be thankful everyday, pray for you and yours and for him to get better..i am always here if you need to talk...xoxox

Be strong and don't let him get to you. Tell him that his addiction to alcohol has ruined your life and your kids. I dealt with an alcholhic most of my life and it was very difficult for me. Caused major depression problems and lost all self esteem. He ended up dying from a Major heart attack because he had high blood pressure and never would go to the doctor. You're still so young... get on with your life and I hope someone will find you and appeciate you for what you are. Best Wishes... Jan

I used to be what your husband has become. That was a very long time ago. I have not had a drink in over 25 yrs. I only tell you that so that you will believe me when I say please go to al anon. You have after 10 yrs with him come to share this awful illness even though you don't have the drinking part. It would be great for your kids if you could get some recovery in. Your husband as you said is gone so leave what is left and look after yourself. As to those who think it is not an illness you are welcome to your opinion although I fail to see it as being very helpful. And please don't think from some of the comments that we are all born again Christians as we are not. The important thing here is the welfare of you and your children keep that at the forefront of all you do and you can make a new and much better life for all of you.<br />
<br />
Carl

Oh sweepea! I hate that you are embroiled in this...it's nasty, nasty business. Without going into the whole it's a disease, it's an excuse thing, it really doesn't matter what it is called...The only thing that matters is finding some help and relief for yourself. Find a group, people with the same experiences, and they will offer you comfort....experience, strength and hope. It's a place for a soft landing. I can't say it will all be okay, and you cannot un do what has been done, the only thing any of us can do is understand. After the understanding, healing is inevitable. The only help you can offer your children is a new tomorrow. Growing up with alcoholics, even if you choose to never touch a drink or drug, you will still be codependent. It's the peripheral damage that happens....the only way to change it, is to understand it, get help for yourself, because I promise you, you are just as ill. You have been around a very toxic person/situation and you need help. I know it's not fair...all the crap you've tolerated, now YOU have to go get the help, too? But, I swear to you, if you join a alanon group, this time next year, you won't even recognize yourself. In 2 years, you won't even recognize that person from a year ago....Alcoholism stunts growth...spiritual, emotional personal growth...It's scary and humbling..and unknown..but these people have all been there..a different situation, but the same, ya know? Try it! Tell yourself you can do anything for 30 days, and give it everything you can to heal....follow their recommendations and you will begin to heal. If there is anything I can do, let me know. I hate that you are suffering! Get some help! Peace to you!

hi,<br />
<br />
A few months ago I had moved in with my (now) ex-boyfriend. Everything was great at the beginning, but soon I realized that he was an alcoholic and also a drug addict. Things got very bad and I wanted to move out. My landlady actually threw him out after I told her I wanted to leave because of him; and after that he called me several times trying to get back together. It was hard, but I never answered his calls and never talked to him again.<br />
I could never live with him again, after having gone through what I went through with him (I will not give details, but most people here who had similar experiences probably know what I mean....) I could not put myself through such hell again. This hurting, abuse, pain and unhappiness could never be love, and it is not love.<br />
I did love him, but I love and value myself much more, and so should you.<br />
If he will only bring pain to your and your son´s life, then let him be; then perhaps it is better not having contact with him. Even it means that your son does not get to see him.<br />
Maybe one day he will realize how sick he really is and seek help, and perhaps then he will want to see his son, but until then live your life and take care of your son. Don´t let any pain get close to your boy.<br />
You have made the right decision, and congratulations, because few people in such situations actually do leave their spouse....<br />
You have made the first step into the good direction. Now, do not stray from your path.<br />
Have strength :-)

As a recovering alcoholic who finally seperated from an active alcoholic of over 10 years, I can certainly understand the situation. The hardest part (for me) was not just getting away- leaving him was easy. The hard part for me now (after a seperation of almost two years), is staying away. He is still drinking, and certainly has lucid moments. However, when I'm feeling weak and alone, the temptation to reach out to that one who knew me sooo well (almost 12 years together), is palapable.<br />
<br />
I just had a very rough day last Friday, and what did I do? I sent him a rambling, long-winded email. Should I have? Nope- the worse thing to do is to reach out and provide a hint of an 'in', that will let them think they can come back, and provide a scintilla of 'support'. I do NOT need the part-time help and support of an unpredictable drunkard. But- I let my own weakness get the better of me. Sure enough, I received a predictably compassionate response- time-stampted at 4:25am, about the time alcoholics that I know wake up- because the booze is already draining from their sodden systems and they're craving some more.<br />
<br />
Stay strong, stay away- and (well...my answer for everything), don't worry about HIS girlfriends- go find yourself someone to warm your bed! That is not a relationship, by all means don't parade potential baby-daddy's in front of your children but, be kind to yourself. (now...I don't really understand that phrase but, people tell me it all the time, so hopefully you'll understand it and do it, AND...if you figure out what that means- let me know!)<br />
<br />
Good luck- and UNIFORM72- go screw yourself, and your patronizing, better than thou ways. You sanctimonious sack of turd. This isn't the forum but, I thought I'd tell you publicly, that your choice theory is sick and disgusting. I hope your weenie shrivels up and falls off.

Wtf? uniform72'S "weenie" should "fall off"?? Everything he said was right on, and articulately stated, to boot. And aside from your last verging-on-psychotic paragraph, I thought everything you said was right on, as well. I'd suggest reining in your dark side. Addiction of any kind may be a disease, but, unfortunately, putting down drink or drugs is a CHOICE, and involves conscious effort, resolve, and tenacity. Based on your own recovery, I can't see how you could possibly disagree.

Weighing in very late, but am hoping you'll get a little email notification re this message, an unambiguous message to check yourself, angry girl. You're not recovering if you morph into an embittered hag.

Posted by Ccruns
on May 30th, 2012 at 8:26 PM

I met a guy when I was first separated from my spouse ( of 18 yrs). The guy I met was polar opposite: exciting, rough around the edges, abit of a partygoer, BUT FUN. My Marriage was not emotionally fulfilling anymore and this new guy was a GREAT distraction. For two yrs we " dated". I say dated like that as we never actually went anywhere special. Local places to eat, low budget activities. I helped pay my share a lot.  We hung out a lot drinking and I begain to notice his work was suffering..... Nothing on his schedule, no jobs lined up. Very low motivation , telling me he does not need to advertise because he's that good.  Now, I teach and am busy from dawn till late in the nite grading and prepping. Money burned a hole in his pocket, But never for stuff for me. I felt like i begged for flowers, or birthday gifts. Everything was about him. He was 38 when we met.. Never married, no kids, living in a rented house with a roomie splitting the bills. He worked as a builder and work was on and off... So funds were always LOW.  I figured i wasnt his mom and besides he knew what he needed to do at age 38. He never had that "Buckel down and get cracking" attitude. He also was financially irresponsible. There were times when He would pay his landlord late or the electricity would be shut off. He'd get money and buy rims for his car, more beer then get the rent paid. It seemed to work for him. Of course i had reservations as i loved the guy and was thinking he was going to be in my life. I broached the subject of living together one time after a year but it fell flat.  
He drank a lot ... Wednesday nights shots w/ friends, Thursday nites at home, Friday at the bar, Saturday at a " party"....Sunday with TV,  Monday, Tuesday beers after work. I was invited at first , but he began to get jealous when he drank and accusations of me flirting then precluded me from attending his outings with friends. We would make tentative plans... Then he would blow me off after drinking at the golf course, a friends house, etc. I broke up too many times to count. I felt disrespected and manipulated... He would say he didn't want me there because I turn his friends against him, or I get him into fights.  I accepted that I was now PLAN B GIRL.
My ex was still in my life due to kids and their activities and my boyfriend would get pissed and make me do stuff that I wasn't comfortable with( like demanding my ex  not come to the house to pick up kids without prior approval when I was ok with it). He was Very jealous of my ex and my ex's connections with the Navy Seals. My boyfriend would tell me my ex was part of the NEW WORLD ORDER and  did evil things demanded by our govt. My ex was in the World Trade Center on 911 and suffered injuries and my boyfriend would repeatedly tell  me the US government was behind the bombing. ( true or not his views were hurtful and he never appreciated where I was coming from).
I felt I had to extend invitations to him to all my social events - while he would tell me which ones he wanted to attend but not be my date to others. He put my friends down. He would not invite me places not even saying, "Come over to hang out." He used the excuse of staying that  my social life was so crazy that I needed to tell him when I was free or when I was prepared to hang out. This was getting so old and demoralising.  Of course this would only work if he didn't already have drinking plans.
He's in trouble with the IRS and says he is trying to save money by staying in - but I asked him to go to a festival recently and  he purchased cheesy artwork and some collectible coin. ($130). He bought me a beer - he then answered his phone and told a friend on the phone he was hanging with an ex girlfriend who he still hangs with. Can you say HURTFUL👿. Im a 43 year old woman for Christ sake. My self esteem plummeted to depths I can't explain.
In the past during a brief break up   He slept with a girl ( who he stated had a drinking problem)... So I became his number one again. ( I look back at that with despair). No wonder I am a shadow of myself.
He would say after every break up that we just couldn't be together because we fought and bought out the worst in each other. I walked on egg shells NOT to fight. He stated i was too  happy- id be more melancholy. If I was "too demanding" I'd attempt to be more easy going.  I was loosing myself.
Mind you... I have a masters degree in education. I run marathons, have friends, a wonderful family. He dropped out of high school and never got his GED( no need he says).he gets in fights with his family regularly.. Yet calls me a sheep for not believing in conspiracy therories).   I have a medical plan, dental plan, etc.  He has No insurance policies and lives "under the radar" believing Uncle Sam has a plan to round citizens up and control the United States. I know it sounds strange but he speaks with such conviction its like he is preaching and trying to save everyone. He has small jobs ( one at a time)building staircases. I lived this man so much despite the alcohol, the missed dates, the fights, etc.
I guess it all came to a head today. He called after work... Just to chat( just like yesterday). He never makes plans but waits to see if I ask to hang out. Hang out means his house, on the couch watching a movie. I told him I don't want that roll anymore. He told me we are not dating that we are just friends.  I reminded him we still sleep together so we are more then friends, but that being said....I do not want to date a man that alcohol is a priority in his life. I didnt ask that he stop, but mentioned I was worried about him recently missing appointments, etc.
Even as friends... Friends still both take responsibility in meeting up or planning stuff and I feel that we should no longer sleep together and if he wants to hang out.... He can ask. Also I told him I can not take a back seat to alcohol and I don't want to be his PLAN B GIRL any longer. For my own self preservation I have to do this. I am disappearing and he is letting me!
By the end of the call he was hardly listening but I was glad I said it all. I have a good life, kids, job, friends, etc. if he should ever REALIZE what he lost .... Perhaps he will call in the distant future with plans to do something more then sit at his house and drink beer watching a DVD of some old movie.   I doubt it! Now he's 42..... Things do not change much! God give my strength!

And by the way, this is from personal experience. I am married to an alcoholic, and Al-Anon is what has helped me learn how to cope. They can help you even if you are no longer living with the alcoholic.

You are not the problem, and you can't 'fix' him. You can only change in yourself whatever needs to be changed, so that you are able to live in peace and self-awareness. Even though you have left him, which a a positive step, you can still benefit from going to Al-Anon, where you will learn how to start living for yourself and to stop blaming yourself. You are more likely to find yourself in another relationship with someone with another addiction otherwise. You have done the right thing, for yourself and your children. Now take the next step!! Good luck--you can have peace!

i cant tell you how to move on, but i can tell you how much i empathize with your stiuation. this sounds so much like what i am going through with my son's father and i know how much you just want them to want to be a good parent and partner. i am still trying to stop taking the blame on myself and i have to remind myself everyday that he is the one missing out on us, and not the other way around. stay strong momma, men like this dont build families, they destroy them.

I have made your comment..."men like this don't build families, they destroy them" my daily reminder that it is not my fault. Such a simple sentence has given me such strength in the face of adversity. Thank-You!!!!!

good! i'm glad any time i can make someone feel stronger.

I think uniform72 is right!<br />
I wasted eight years in one and five in another.<br />
I would love to have that time back! But it is not just old wise tales.<br />
"if I could do it over again I would do it different," <br />
or if I knew then what I know now.".... <br />
<br />
To your husband,<br />
I also have been on the other side with my third husband. <br />
After I left my second husband I turned in to him! Drinking!<br />
When I got married I stopped going out for a drink and started buying a bottle for the house. <br />
We started fighting all the time about everything. <br />
And the next day I would feel so bad about the things I said. <br />
I realized it was the alcohol.<br />
One night when I was drinking I throw my glass and told the devil he was not going to use me anymore to hurt my husband! I stopped drinking and all is good!

Come and join us..<br />
We'd love to have you....<br />
<br />
http://jwclub.ning.com/

You've got to ask yourself if you have 20 years to burn...cause that is what it can take if you don't realise that more often than not....they never recover. My take on the matter and I can only speak from my personal family experience is this. I don't believe it's a disease first of all, it's a choice. It's been called a disease to give people a reason not to be held accountable for their willful choices in life. I had both and alcoholic and a drug addict in my family and I can definitely say that once they are in your lives they leave a path behind of destruction and broken dreams. They often never recover from their addictions and with them they take down who ever loves them the most. The only thing that is consistant in their lives is the source of the addictions. I know it's very had when you love someone and you always hope that they will get better or you worry about giving up on them to soon. I think in this scenario you have more than proved you loved him and have walked the thousanth mile for your family. It's sounds harsh at this point but love's got nothing to do with it now...then it did...now is your time and time to save your family from further hurt and emotional damage. His kids will always suffer but you can minimize the damage he does to them. Some times people do come around and realise they made a big mistake but you might not be there to see it and knowing how father time is....you will have more likely than not moved on. I admire what you have done for love and can't say I could have done the same, strong woman for doing so, but moving on to healing is the next step in you situation. I hate to see people....good peolpe, wait for someone who isn't worth it only to find out 20 years later you have wasted all those years and in the interum your kids will have suffered even more. Kids are resilient and they will eventually learn the truth and get over the pain. I know once I got older I did and it made all the difference in the world.

i like that...its a choice not a disease. thats my thoughts exactly :) its another term to not take responsibility for their actions...wow

Dealing with alcoholism in any one is hard, and I can speak first hand, as my sons father, (my ex), and my father both had drinking problems. Please allow me to be frank here without offending. Stop looking to your ex for closure, he's not going to give it to you. He's an idiot right now, who can't see past the bottle to look at the wonderful things that walked away from him because of it. You are a strong and independant woman. you have proved that by your actions and all that you have done, tried and are doing for you and your son and unborn child. Give yourself closure. The relationship was horrible, most likely (if it was anything like mine), worse than horrible. you took you and your son out of a bad and potentailly worse situation to better your lives because your ex refused to do that with you. There is no turning back and you need to know that you are doing what is best for everyone involved. Who cares if he is with other women, (when someone is in the grips of alcoholism, like attracts like, he is dating female versions of himself. ) Who cares if he doesn't want to see your son, most likely your son is better off for it, he will not need to be witness to the atrocities of the booze that he will undoubtedly grow up seeing. alcholism has been prooven to be genetic, so you are doing a huge justice for your son not having him see it. Do you want your son to grow up just like him? No, of course not. What your son needs is a father, not a drunk. If he were sober and not wanting to see his children, that would be a different fight all together, but this man doesn't even care about himself, how can he possible care about you or your children. You need to move past and realize your closure comes from within. The closure is that neither you nor your children will be subject to his abuse any further.<br />
My ex was a fantastic man when he was sober, we had an amazing relationship, he was the best man I ever knew. But, when the booze took a hold of him it was something else. he abused me mentally and physically both infront of my son. One night in a drunken tirade he tried to kidnap my son and he beat me in front of him. I called the cops and never looked back. Now 3 years later, he is finally sober and getting married. Am I sad? Nope. A little torn that the one thing that always tore us apart is the one he wont touch again, but by leaving, I bettered my life, my sons and eventually his. Stay strong for you and your son. That is what you need to do now. Just live life for your new family unit, the rest and everyone else will just have to take care of themselves. Talk to your doctor, there are many support groups to help you with this time. here is canada there is a good one that helps children deal with the loss of a parent due to divorce, death or addiction, maybe you have one similar where you live. put your son in organised sports and give him opportunities to meet male role models in other settings, because his genetic one, just isn't worth it right now. People with this addiction need to hit rock bottom before they can care about anything else than the bottle. you said his family is very supportive? Perhaps you could all hire an interventionalist? If he wont take the help, I don't know what more closure you could have than that? But, do NOT live your life waiting for him to clean up, come back and things to be great! Life life and if that happens and you are still available, think about it. Pinning for a drunk is no lesson for your children, teach them to be strong and caring by showing them that loving someone doesn't have to hurt and that loving someone does not mean you need to get abused. Teach them about the real way love is supposed to be healthy, not hurtful and abusive. Do you want to be helping out your future daughter in law, the way your ex's family is helping you now?

@ dlanj...wow that sounds exactly like my ex. I had no idea what sort of behaviours these people have, took me years..and your so right there never is closure from alcoholics....they love nothing but their bottles! they will pick up whoevers drinking with them. Yes he was abusive, so frightening...i had a young baby, no money no support or family, no where to go...it took so long to get up and leave. Beleive me...dont wait till something forces u to leave it can get much much worse and then you have more probs to deal with. So tru...DONT let your kids see a parent drinking themselves to death, its abuse of the worst kind.And well no one wants their kids to grow up being addicted as well, what they see is what they think is normal...mmm food for thought...

Amen, Amen, Amen!!!! So very well said. I too was in that situation and there is nothing I could add to this, then what was already stated.

I share in your pain. I have three kids, the youngest being 8months. My partner of 10yrs has an addiction to crystal meth that he cant beat. He admits its a problem and that he has the power to change it but never does more than just speak. After 10yrs the person I know and love is gone. It's crazy what we do and how we justify circumstances because we want to stay, I dont know if I stayed as long because of love or because I was afraid of being on my own? But eventually, like you, I left. At 2mnths pregnant, he beat me and kicked me on the floor, I remember looking around and seeing my 9yr old comforting my 6yr old both in tears and that broke me, I packed up and left my possessions, the place I called home for 3yrs and moved back with my mother. Today, I can honestly say that it was the best move I have ever made. I had my baby, she is now 8mnths old and the best thing that has happened to me since the birth of my middle boy. I am studying agaian and ready to take on the world. I have forgiven him but I havent forgotten. I am a single mother of three, who supports myself and my kids on my own. The fact that you liberated yourself,should give you the power to move on, it proves to him, his family and the world around you that you are a strong person. There is no easy way of breaking free, I still hurt and cry, but rather that than being abused and neglected by the person that I /you thought would be your soulmate, the person who loved you back the same way you loved them. Time heals all, you'll see and when your baby is born, you'll forget even sooner. Best wishes to you :)

My ex dumped me after 8 months for an alchoholic, they had to live apart because of the constant rows etc and it was hurting her kids.<br />
After 2 years she got in touch, we went to bed then kept in touch a bit more then nothing...<br />
She's gone back to him even though he's been done for drink driving and i think she used me to get him to try and do something but i doubt if it will work.<br />
She still loves him even though he's been hurtful to her but stopping at anything past physical abuse even though her past relationships have been mental torture.<br />
Very sad when i know i could give her love that she had with me and knowing he treats her like ****.<br />
Maybe some women can take it more than others i don't know.