I Want to Move On From My Alcoholic Ex

As a recovering alcoholic who finally seperated from an active alcoholic of over 10 years, I can certainly understand the situation. The hardest part (for me) was not just getting away- leaving him was easy. The hard part for me now (after a seperation of almost two years), is staying away. He is still drinking, and certainly has lucid moments. However, when I'm feeling weak and alone, the temptation to reach out to that one who knew me sooo well (almost 12 years together), is palapable.

I just had a very rough day last Friday, and what did I do? I sent him a rambling, long-winded email. Should I have? Nope- the worse thing to do is to reach out and provide a hint of an 'in', that will let them think they can come back, and provide a scintilla of 'support'. I do NOT need the part-time help and support of an unpredictable drunkard. But- I let my own weakness get the better of me. Sure enough, I received a predictably compassionate response- time-stampted at 4:25am, about the time alcoholics that I know wake up- because the booze is already draining from their sodden systems and they're craving some more.

Stay strong, stay away- and (well...my answer for everything), don't worry about HIS girlfriends- go find yourself someone to warm your bed! That is not a relationship, by all means don't parade potential baby-daddy's in front of your children but, be kind to yourself. (now...I don't really understand that phrase but, people tell me it all the time, so hopefully you'll understand it and do it, AND...if you figure out what that means- let me know!)

Good luck- and UNIFORM72- go screw yourself, and your patronizing, better than thou ways. You sanctimonious sack of turd. This isn't the forum but, I thought I'd tell you publicly, that your choice theory is sick and disgusting. I hope your weenie shrivels up and falls off.

hi,

A few months ago I had moved in with my (now) ex-boyfriend. Everything was great at the beginning, but soon I realized that he was an alcoholic and also a drug addict. Things got very bad and I wanted to move out. My landlady actually threw him out after I told her I wanted to leave because of him; and after that he called me several times trying to get back together. It was hard, but I never answered his calls and never talked to him again.
I could never live with him again, after having gone through what I went through with him (I will not give details, but most people here who had similar experiences probably know what I mean....) I could not put myself through such hell again. This hurting, abuse, pain and unhappiness could never be love, and it is not love.
I did love him, but I love and value myself much more, and so should you.
If he will only bring pain to your and your son´s life, then let him be; then perhaps it is better not having contact with him. Even it means that your son does not get to see him.
Maybe one day he will realize how sick he really is and seek help, and perhaps then he will want to see his son, but until then live your life and take care of your son. Don´t let any pain get close to your boy.
You have made the right decision, and congratulations, because few people in such situations actually do leave their spouse....
You have made the first step into the good direction. Now, do not stray from your path.
Have strength :-)

Oh sweepea! I hate that you are embroiled in this...it's nasty, nasty business. Without going into the whole it's a disease, it's an excuse thing, it really doesn't matter what it is called...The only thing that matters is finding some help and relief for yourself. Find a group, people with the same experiences, and they will offer you comfort....experience, strength and hope. It's a place for a soft landing. I can't say it will all be okay, and you cannot un do what has been done, the only thing any of us can do is understand. After the understanding, healing is inevitable. The only help you can offer your children is a new tomorrow. Growing up with alcoholics, even if you choose to never touch a drink or drug, you will still be codependent. It's the peripheral damage that happens....the only way to change it, is to understand it, get help for yourself, because I promise you, you are just as ill. You have been around a very toxic person/situation and you need help. I know it's not fair...all the crap you've tolerated, now YOU have to go get the help, too? But, I swear to you, if you join a alanon group, this time next year, you won't even recognize yourself. In 2 years, you won't even recognize that person from a year ago....Alcoholism stunts growth...spiritual, emotional personal growth...It's scary and humbling..and unknown..but these people have all been there..a different situation, but the same, ya know? Try it! Tell yourself you can do anything for 30 days, and give it everything you can to heal....follow their recommendations and you will begin to heal. If there is anything I can do, let me know. I hate that you are suffering! Get some help! Peace to you!

I used to be what your husband has become. That was a very long time ago. I have not had a drink in over 25 yrs. I only tell you that so that you will believe me when I say please go to al anon. You have after 10 yrs with him come to share this awful illness even though you don't have the drinking part. It would be great for your kids if you could get some recovery in. Your husband as you said is gone so leave what is left and look after yourself. As to those who think it is not an illness you are welcome to your opinion although I fail to see it as being very helpful. And please don't think from some of the comments that we are all born again Christians as we are not. The important thing here is the welfare of you and your children keep that at the forefront of all you do and you can make a new and much better life for all of you.

Carl

Be strong and don't let him get to you. Tell him that his addiction to alcohol has ruined your life and your kids. I dealt with an alcholhic most of my life and it was very difficult for me. Caused major depression problems and lost all self esteem. He ended up dying from a Major heart attack because he had high blood pressure and never would go to the doctor. You're still so young... get on with your life and I hope someone will find you and appeciate you for what you are. Best Wishes... Jan

you cannot fix him, it is about him, he is an alcoholic and you could walk to the ends of the earth and back and he would still not change..He needs to handle this and deal with his demons, he is sick. i do not expect you to have pity for him. i am in AA and i was self centerd and only cared about pills and booze, i lost so much time in my life until i got into AA. it is a new year and be thankful that you are not dealing with him daily like you were. work on you go to alanon and you will get to be around other people that are in the same boat as you, it will help you so much i promise... hang on beautiful, breath and be thankful everyday, pray for you and yours and for him to get better..i am always here if you need to talk...xoxox

I have to commend you for your strenght. I went through to differnet pregnantcies thinking the same thing. But did not have the courage to leave. Now 20 years after the marrage started, the drinking never curbed, the anger grew out through my 2 boys and my daughter was feeling depressed as I was. I finally got up the nerve and kick him out. my daughter's comment was "I wish you would have done it years ago."

I thought I could "manage" myself and my depression, but am now seeking help, I am learning tha just because my ex blamed me for his drinking, as well as his family, does not make it true. Remember not to take on his problem. Leave it at the door with him.

I am strrggling with my 16 year old daughter to see her dad, as I know that is important, because your dad is your dad. I wnat her to have a relationship with him, but he is not ready yet. So make sure you are on top of that one. Take ccare of youself, God Bless and good luck.

I feel your anguish. Though I've never experienced a family life full of alcoholism (growing up with it) I, for some reason, ended up marrying into it ~ unbenownst to me. I knew/went out with/my husband for two years before we got married. He met my family in the mid-Atlantic, I met his in New England, and we just hit it off. Nowhere was there a sign of his alcohol abuse issue until six months after we were married. Long story short or just a plain-ol' long story, it was a down-hill spiral from there. My belief is that no alcoholic is unique and all are pretty typical across the board. Lying, deception, cheating, false promises, shifted blame, extreme financial debt, non-stop babysitting, alcohol odors permeating the rooms when they walk through the door, humiliation towards the non-abuser in front of their friends or yours. The long laundry list of these troubles goes on and on and on. I believe some or all can relate to this list. I went through the usual: "I've got to save him" and "He needs to detox/rehab and be cured" and "If I stay longer, maybe there'll be a chance that he'll get better" and "I feel guilty if I leave him now as I'll be abandoning him". Well, guess what? I spent the first two years in euphoric bliss for having met a gifted/talented nurse/911 hero and the sweetest man any woman could have ever alligned herself with to the first three years of marriage babysitting him and crying buckets of confusing tears trying to figure out how I got myself into this mess, to the last three years trying to "fix" his problem. I finally left. I figured out that to get back my lost six years on some level was by not spending the rest of my valuable life trying to save someone who didn't want help. It's not a disease, it's a choice. Alcoholics CAN rid themselves of the problem, but the only reason they continue is because they choose to continue, dragging their loved ones down with them. I took the boldest step I could have taken and LEFT!!! I sharpened my wit and my tongue and told him to get a life and a backbone and get used to the fact that I was no longer going to babysit him. That was the boldest move I'd ever made. My thinking is this: you have to take care of you. YOU don't have an alcohol problem, therefore, you have to continue living your alcohol-free/prison-free life. The choice is ALSO yours, just as it was mine, just as it is your spouse's and mine. You have the choice to enable the alcoholic, to help them along in staying with their addiction, or you can come away from it and save yourself. I don't care what it is that you do. Take your kids with you and go to a relative's, a friend's and swallow your pride for the sake of your kids, because your kids will thank you for it later. Make the best choice. Don't worry about it being right or wrong. Is it wrong to get a divorce? That depends on your conscience, your faith (if you have one) or your thinking. I don't know, but is it the BEST choice? For my situation, walking away from a debiliating marriage was the BEST choice. Now, I am concentrating on my nursing studies, a focus I've never had the chance being with my husband. I live life the way I want to, now. I could never say that being with him. If he wants to get away from alcoholism, then that's a choice he'll have to make. I've got my own life and I am doing just fine!

Oh, boy, this brings back memories. As I agree with what jnicecat had to say, I shall add this: Let him go! You're not responsible for him nor his actions, you need to stop worrying about him and you need to quit loving someone who is no longer loving themselves. It sounds hard to do, get a backbone and kick his arse to the curb. You're destroying yourself for what??? A man who decided he needed a bottle more than a loving woman??? You are a woman, you are the stronger one, you are the more responsible one, so why waste your love on this deadbeat??? You do not need him, you need to move on to better things. Girl, you have a young son and another baby on the way, quit being a victim and become a survivor. If that means keeping your son from him and the baby also, then do it!! But, as long as you keep going to his family, you'll never overcome the feelings you have, you need to let go of them also, even though it will hurt you, but you'll overcome this hurt, trust me. I know what I say must seem harsh, but it's reality. I have been around the block to know what I am talking about, I lived with an alcoholic for 2 years and I was even the enabler ( making his drinks and buying his beer), but I had enough and left him. Yes, I loved him, but I also loved myself more and I knew that if I stayed with him or took him back, nothing would change. I gathered all my self-respect, my self-worth, and my sanity and I left without looking back. Right now, you're living for the past, stop and start living for the future, for the sake of your son and new baby. Because what are you teaching your son? Think about that for a second, are you teaching him to be strong or are you teaching him to hope that his daddy will change and come back?
I do apologize if anything I said seems out of line, but you're putting yourself through hell and there's no need for it and your son sees this and it may affect him even more than what you can see with your eyes. For the sake of your son, new baby ( on the way) , and your own sanity, let him go as well as his family, otherwise you'll never move on.
Please if you ever need to talk, I'll be here for you. I will be here cheering you on when you think you can not go on and if you ever need a shoulder, I'm here.
Toni

I have been with 3 alcoholics and it does not get easyer. You have to make yourself healthy for your kids. They desreve better. I said I would never get married again but I found a good guy who can have one drink. Al-Anon helped me lots to deal. And to understand myself better.