Don't Know What to Do

I think that I have an alcoholic boyfriend, but i'm not sure. I have never been exposed to alcoholism in the past, so I only have online guides to help me, i'd appreciate some real feedback though. We've known each other for years, and been together for about 16 months, and have lived together for almost a year.

His drinking didn't become apparent to me until a couple of months after I moved in, when the liquor cabinet that had been full only a couple of weeks before was suddenly empty, and I know that I sure didn't drink it.

He's had a bit of a crap year, he broke his ankle and was off work and not exercising for a long long time, and so become very down and quite depressed, which is why he says he drinks.

I'm writing this as i have just found the stash of bottles hidden in the living room from last nights episode.  He put me in bed saying that he was going to have a shower and come to bed, and i woke up at 3 to find him passed out on the couch. He usually drinks by himself. Last night he managed to get through a bottle of champagne, a bottle of red wine, and 4 huge cans of alcoholic cider (strong stuff). He'll do this at least twice a week, and not think anything of it.

When he's drunk he can be really unpredictable. His mood changes really quickly. I kind of try to keep out of the way, because i know that he'll probably end up saying something really hurtful to me, usually about my friends, or my ex boyfriends, or the way i keep the house. It's gotten to the stage where when i see him take cans of beer or bottles of wine out of a shopping bag my heart sinks, and I just cringe inside, knowing that i'm probably going to end up in tears at the end of the night. Each time i ask myself why on earth i stay. I love him so much, and when he is sober he is a wonderful,  sweet, family oriented man, and he's always really sorry in the morning for saying hurtful things. He has never, and i believe would never physically abuse me, but he doesn't seem to understand that words can hurt alot more.

The thing is, that when he is drunk, he is able to admit that he has a problem, and says that he is never going to do it again, that the last time was like a celebration and a turning point, that he's never going to drink like that again so he thought he;d make a big night of it. the thing is, he's said that so many times that it has lost all meaning. His father was an alcoholic, and his grandfather before him, and he uses this as an excuse for why he does it now, he says he can't help it, that that's who he is and he can't change.

I don't know whether i need to put an ultimatum out there and say that he really needs to make  a choice between the alcohol and me, or whether to stick it out and try and help him. When we were first together, we had the most wonderful vision for our futures together, and it kills me to think that i would be leaving all of that behind. The thought of not being with him kills me. But being here isn't very healthy either. Please help.

overthis overthis
5 Responses Nov 29, 2008

The truth is that only 'the addict' can make the change that is necessary. Unless one is prepared to take the chance on the fact that the situation may never get better and decide to adjust to living with the unhealthy habits it is best to be separated at least until there is some obvious change. A promise to quit (without professional assistance) usually means that they will try to find better ways to disguise the habit and hide the evidence. In most instances they are unaware of how big a fool they make of themselves or of the embarrassing experiences they cause their loved ones when under the influence. Even with a video they have l explanations for their unacceptable behavior.

I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend. We were only together for a few months. He said he could "manage" his drinking and then this past weekend we went away and he drank so much then took a sleeping pill and started vomiting. He also takes antidepressants and blood pressure meds. When drunk he says he does not remember his actions and they can be scary. He has never been violent to me but I have set firm boundaries with him and am getting out now. I don't care if in his eyes that makes me the *****.

I can't improve on the very wise comments that have already been made here. You can't change other people's behavior; you can only change your own. You have to do what's right for your life and your well being, not his. Best of luck, overthis.

I agree. I'm a sober alcoholic and I know for a fact, no matter how much he may love you, he'll keep drinking. Untill HE wants to stop. The alcohol is more powerful than you two put together. You will waste your life just like he is. If I would even consider dating someone, I won't if he's an alcoholic sober or not.

he is an alcoholic <br />
and he has left you for his alcohol <br />
and now you have to make up your mind and choose a life with his alcohol or a life for your self. <br />
you can't change him and you can't make him quit.<br />
he has to do that for himself