Depressed because of my alcoholic BF

It's sad to say, but you know exactly what you need to do. However hard it might seem, an unhealthy relationship will ruin you, and from the looks of it; it already has.

Be strong and firm, be assertive, be cold because it's the only way you will come out of it, try to get him help but in no way allow him back in your life unless he has shown not minor progress but major milestones.

I wish you all the best.

I have been in your shoes....or should I say I AM in your shoes. I have been going to counseling, which has helped me alot. It has helped to discover why I have stayed with an alcoholic. I have realized that I am a co-dependent. There's a saying that says "Behind every alcoholic is a co-dependent." There is a really good book called "Co-Depended No More" that can help you understand ways in which you enable your alcoholic partner and why you are even with your partner in the first place. Counseling also helped me create boundaries. For example, during verbal arguements and sometimes physical, the moment it would turn abusive I would put my hand out and say "Stop this right now, its abuse." This seemed to help. My main reason for staying is that I keep thinking that "this time is it, he is really going to change" meanwhile just waiting for him to slip up. I can't say for sure what the right answer is, but I would start by researching that book, and researching yourself. You are a good person because you want to help people and you see the best in people, but you have to do yourself the same courtsey you give to others. I wish you all the best.

This is just so familiar to me ...Friday night anxiety, hiding the fact you're with him from family and friends, trouble concentrating at work etc.
Leaving isn't the hard part, it's not going back.
I really don't know what to do anymore either.

My heart breaks for you. See my story. You are so young--sometimes love is just not enough. I love my man, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I am just so tired of all of this. I have never been hit or called any names, but coming home to someone who sleeps all the time or smells like booze is not great, either. I know I'm not the best one to give advice, but I would say, you are young--get out now while you can. There are much better men out there yet for you. If he was going to stop, he would have stopped by now. He may stop someday, but you may hate him by then. I hope that I have the strength to do it, and I hope I can now legally get out of this--please don't put yourself in this position. I am stressed all the time.

Wow! Your situation is almost identical to mine aside from the cheating. My boyfriend who I used to live with used to get drunk and stay out late almost every other day it felt like drinking with his friends. He would drink in excess under the guise of being a musician and "jamming." He would ignore my calls (not wanting to be asked to come home or stop drinking) and be annoying and argumentative when he did come home drunk. I would get extremely anxious and physically sick from stress in the days before his time off work knowing what would be coming. I finally moved out after 3 years and moved 300 miles away from my guy although I'm stupidly still involved long-distance now hoping he'll eventually quit. Honestly, from the sounds of your situation, I don't think either of our guys are gonna quit. I've got that co-dependent book. I think I'll pick that up and start reading it again...

Thanks for sharing.

I too have been in your situation! I am much older and wiser now than before when I went through this. I have had two people in the last year want to go out with me and both are alcoholics! I won't get near that again with a ten foot pole! You can not reason with an alcoholic! It's a lose lose situation so please think very carefully before marrying someone like this! It's a hell of life to try and live! Alcoholism is a disease and it's one of the hardest substances for an addict to quit! I try to avoid being in these situations whenever possible but my father is an alcoholic and it's a lot harder to dismiss your family. I won't date anyone who is though!

My story is not the same but has the same devastation and the same frustration. I have complete empathy for you and I completely understand what you are saying because I find myself torn with my decision to leave my partner only just last week.

I have even attended AA meetings with him and learnt as much as I can about alcoholism. As you can see by mistyandbecky's statement... she is a recovering alcoholic and even she says don't stay.

The problem is the longer you stay the harder it is to leave and the more guilt you feel when you do. From what I've heard at AA meetings is that people suffering from this dependency often lose everything important to them before they are left rock bottom with the only direction being upwards.

Unfortunately the more you give in to your feelings of guilt the more dependant he will become of you.

Alcoholism is a selfish thing that will suck the life out of everything around it. Once you get the courage to leave and the courage to stay away, you will find a new woman in yourself. Please believe that you deserve to be happy, you deserve a life not filled with the turmoil caused by your partners behaviour.

Don't fool yourslef into even entertaining the idea that this will work out in a positive way. He has to love himself enough and prove to himself that he can get help and put that help into action before he can ever be the man that you want him to be.

You can get support from Al Anon - this group is especially for partners of Alcoholics and is similar to AA. I haven't been there myself yet, but am looking into it.

Please feel free to contact me anytime, I know how sad and lost you are feeling, I feel much the same. I have also shared my story - perhaps it would be good for you to hear of someone else's experience.

Take care of you - just as he makes the choice to drink - you have a choice on whether you continue to accept this in your life. I hope you make the right one.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend of 2 years is serving a nine month sentence for his fourth DUI (he gets out April 5) He has lost everything since he had to go to jail. His great electrician job and most importantly his house. It's tough for you to walk away from someone you care so much about... I've tried. He does the same things as your boyfriend does.. He's amazing when he's sober and a complete a$$ when he drinks. He's been to rehab once, (only for 30 days, he needs more) and it didn't work. Have you tried to get him to go to a rehab or AA meetings? Have you heard of Al-Anon? It's like AA but it's for families and friends of alcoholics. I've been to a couple meetings, they're helpful. The number is 1-888-425-2666. Give them a call. I'm here if you want to talk... I know what you're going through.

Just like many of the others, I too am in a very similar situation. Two months ago I left my boyfriend, the man I know in my heart is the "one", because of his drinking. The relationship was okay, there was no verbal or physical abuse or anything like that but there was a kind of emotional abuse. It becomes very unsettling when you start to realize that the individual, the person you love, would rather chose the alcohol over seeing and being with you. You start to question yourself with things like, "maybe I'm not good enough," or "why is getting drunk more important to you, than I am," and you get really down on yourself. I believe I have cried myself to sleep for the past two months straight over my decision to leave. I still don't understand why I'm not worth more than that, and I pray every single minute that he wakes up and changes.

I was raised in a home with a very abusive alcoholic father, which I feel is why I am now attracted to those types of men. Trying to break the cycle and be a strong woman I decided to end the relationship, but now have horrible guilt over doing so, regret doing it every single day, and question whether or not it was a big mistake to do so. I have never experienced heartbreak like this before, and am mad at myself because I essentially did it to myself (breaking it off with him). However I am remaining strong and not getting back with him, although I am in love with him and not being with him is tearing me apart.

I wish you luck in your situation. It's frustrating, it's painful and there is no easy way to handle it. It's horrible to see somebody, who you know could be so great, ruining themselves, but unfortunatley they need to see it first. I think it may even be harder for the people that are involved in the alcoholic's life, they are never going to come first, they are never going to be able to get through to them, and yet we will sit there and do everything we can to help, give them all the love in our hearts and get no love in return.

I know this is way after the original post but it's amazing just how many stories are similar to mine. About three years ago two months after a break up I met my boyfriend. It began as an agreement that neither of us wanted anything serious but quickly turned into a relationship and love. Things were great until about six months into the relationship when I came back from a christmas morning with my parents to his house to join his family. From that day till a day before new years, he spent drunk. He was still functional. But since that time, the times he's drunk are getting worse and worse. Everytime I pick him up, he swears he will change and get help. He never does. He will go through of long periods of sobriety, even went 6 months at one point, but he always eventually falls right back off. He's convinced himself that he can drink responsibly (which he does once in a while) and won't listen to me when I tell him he really can't. He knows he has a problem but makes up all sorts of excuses why he hasn't. This year has been the worst time ever. He's become increasingly emotionally abusive and depressed. The frequency of binges were short at the beginning of the year. The three months period between the most recent binge and the one before that he was outwardly mean half the time and absolutely wonderful, the rest. The last time, he figured out he could mix his muscle relaxers (also anti-depressants ironically) with his drinking which I have been told results in a violent reaction, i had to pick my moments to get him sober where I did not fear for my physical safety. He was like most alcoholics constantly blaming others (especially me) for his drinking. I forgot to mention that now when he drinks, it's so bad that he can't even stay conscious or speak for that matter. In fact the last couple times, he has shown signs of jaundice which means he's drinking so much his liver can't handle it.

Well, the last month has been alright since I gave him the warning that if he did not seek help and/or it happened again I would have to leave. Well it happened again and I did leave three days ago. He has been drinking now for four days and his work that he had been with for three years, finally fired him for missing work. He called me this morning and said he assumed that I would help him get out of this mess he's made, get him sober. As heart wrenching as it was to say, I told him I couldn't and I wouldn't. That it was not in my power to help him anymore, that the only person that could help him was himself. He needed to get help on his own. It broke my heart to say this, all I want to do is run and help him, but I'm in summer school right now working on my bs degree and I just can't do that, not just for my grades but for my sanity. I've been increasingly depressed and my self esteem has hit rock bottom. As though my current situation as a full time student was not enough stress in my life. I'm lost and fighting every urge i have in my body to go back to him. The guilt and heartbreak I feel is unbearable along with the fear that the breakup may kill him and not open his eyes.

I feel for you completely. I hope by now you have made the same decision to leave. As hard as it is, you cannot trust an alcoholic because they can't even trust themselves. They'll tell you whatever they can to keep you in their lives and use you're leaving as a further excuse to leave, but it will only happen again and again and again and again until you finally lose it completely.