I Am Finding the Strength to Move On

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I just broke up over the weekend.  He is an alcoholic.  He won't admit it, but he is.  He drank because he was happy or sad or depressed or because he was drunk and wanted to get drunker or because he was sober and wanted to be drunk.  He never had regrets, had periods of times he couldn't remember, he was sick and even after a doctor told him that he has early stage liver damage, he didn't stop.  He told me he did, but he didn't.  I would find bottles hidden around the house, garbage backs filled with empties that he was planning on throwing away when he could get out of the house without me knowing.  He hasn't worked steadily since October of 2008 and I was supporting us financially.  He spent every penny I gave him on booze.  Trying to not give him money didn't help either, he would run tabs at the liqour store or the corner store.

I love him.  I really truly do.  But I came to a point where I realized that we were behind in rent, car payments, cable bills, everything...and I couldn't keep playing my violin on this sinking ship.  Friday I told him to leave.  This has happened so many times that he has his whole arguement planned out.  We fight, he screams, he tells me he didn't do anything wrong.   He sulks, he hides in the spare bedroom, he comes out asking me why am I doing this, I tell him the truth, the same thing I tell him every time, that it isnt fair that he is still drinking and that I am being forced to support it.  Then I go and eventually apologize.  This time, there were no apologies.  I kicked him out.  He left Friday, came back for some stuff Saturday and hasn't been back since.  I have spoken to him and every time I talk to him he is drunk (or high and drunk, I really have no idea anymore).  Last night he called and told me he wants this to be civil.  I think he is trying to get into position to try to come home.  I told him flat out, this is not his home anymore.

Part of me wanted to save him.  His whole life people have turned their backs on him, told him he was worthless, I wanted to swoop in and be his hero.  But in the end all I did was alienate my family, my friends..I have lost jobs because I had to always leave to go home to take care of him.  I have ruined my credit rating, gotten evicted once and on the edge of it for a 2nd time.  I have had my car repossessed. 

I love him.  And if he had made even one bit of effort to get the help he needed, admit that he has a problem, and go figure out how to fix it, he would be home right now.  But he didn't.  I hope someday he does admit it and when he does, I hope he lets me know.  But I am not taking him back.

I am getting used to not saying we, us or ours and instead saying I and me.  That's hard.  I thought about how I have no one to call and tell them I am coming home.  But then I realized, I didn't call him to tell him that I was coming home because I missed him, I did it because I wanted to get an idea of what was waiting for me at home, was this a good day or a bad day.

For all the women out there who are denying things to themselves be strong.  Think about the good times and think if they were really that good.  The vacation you took that you have fond memories of, until your remember he got so drunk he fell in the pool and had to be fished out.  Think about who you have become since you started dating him, do you recognize yourself?  Do your friends and family know the truth, the whole truth, about how things are at home?  Would you be appalled if one of your friends was living the life you are?

I am lucky.  I have friends and family that never left my side.  They knew part of what was going on, but of course I left out the details that would make him look bad or even worse, make me look like an idiot for staying with him.

The reality of the situation is that you cannot help everyone.  You have to protect yourself.  Do you see yourself in 40 years, married to this man with children?  Children who are predisposed to this horrible illness?  If the thought of waking up alone scares you, just think about the thought of being a 40 year old widow with your kids at your side, burying your husband who died from cirrhosis of the liver.

I wish you all the best of luck.  I am trying to be strong and drawing on the energy from my friends and family and co-workers to do it.  I still cry when I smeel his cologne on something in the house or see something that reminds me of him.  I miss talking to him every day.  But this morning instead of being proud that I got out of bed despite him not being there, I just got out of bed.

kris12222 kris12222
8 Responses Jun 2, 2009

@ oceanlove...you have to value yourself and respect yourself. He has already seriously injured you once. Whether drunk or sober it makes no difference. Do you want your kids to grow up believing this is ok behavior? It sounds like you are trying to do what's best for yourself and your kids so just believe in yourself enough to follow through with your decisions.

Thank you for your post.
Yes i feel same but why i am still with him knowing it is best not having him.

Ironic is that still the fella is off the wagon it is even worse than any other time, I got sober while he was in rehab, I sober myself up attending AA. Ppl say I was not alcoholic but the way I drank after my divorce was getting crazy. I was sick of it and the injury happened bcz of alcohol I wanted to quit.
My 3children's dad were also alcoholic too.
I knew both of them wouldn't make it so I wanted to show my kids that if we work hard on it we can do it. He had gambling prob as well  12 yrs I was busy working all the time to pay his debts and wiping his a@&, I took my sons and got out. I gave him house and car and told him I don't want anything but my children, I give them education. 
I work really hard to maintain my family.

Their dad never did child support after divorce, 5 yrs I have been raising them without support.

I have been sober for two yrs, and also started  working on my Codie.
In these couple of days, yes I was in 'slip' of alanon, he was around again, sober for a week, and drunk , 
then I raised my voice, I reacted,
I was interferreing his drinking problem by feeling angry and put into action nagging at his behavior.
By writing my needs, and daily inventory, I looked at my side, not him.
I said some very hurtul words to him. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting. 
Knowing that having my expectations of this relationship are crazy , is insane but I let my guard down that he was trying to sober up, begged, charmed me.
Insanity for me is that I keep expecting him to be a kind of family man and this partner who wants to grow with me and spend time with me. 
I got very angry because this is not happening. And I keep getting angry over and over again.
I made small amends apologized about my emotional behavior, (though he might have been drunk when I did),  but the damage is done. 
He won't be able to forget the hurtful words I said for a while and that can be rationalize him to get drunk,
I know because I was like that, I didn't let go, it is all about other people who makes me angry therefore I nag, and to revenge!
I can't live my life like that anymore. I want serenity, practice compassion and kindness.
It is sad and frustrating to see someone close who seemed to know what to do to stay sober, not doing it 
and talking crazy doing crazy. But it is not my work to do, only higher power and he has to do.
SO...I did Emotional slip of AA steps too, because it means 'not working on my serenity.'
I again carfully reshuffle my schedule, because it is nice spring time and wonderful season, I don't want to waste it.
 Do not even ask him 'hey how about doing brah brah' like nomal couple ---I used to resent he was capable of doing this and that with past GF like he was saying, I used to get jealous. I think now he just knew how to upset me.
I think he couldn't do so much,or even did maybe desaster, as I seeing now he is so drunk that can't  think and can't do right with manners 
or can't keep promises.--- He cannot and couldn't have nomal relationship ! simple!
Even sober he was like that.
Surely it is spiritual desease, not drinking is not enough...

It is difficult for me to say that I could have ever loved him, as I don't think I have ever really loved myself until I met programme.
I was not sober and not knowing alanon tools, not healed from anything.
So I wonder sometimes if I have met this guy and just used this man to fulfill my need as a caretaker? 
Don't really know who I was that time and,  didn't and don't really know him. Not really sure where to go from here,
but one day at time, like two years passed like lightening but I hope I will figure out by making effort to progress and recover and heal.

I wish I hadnt seen his sober time.Then it was easier to dump.

As I was reading these stories, they were all stories about me. I kicked my abf out of my house a month ago. Then again he is still here relapsing.<br />
I met him two yrs ago and he was the ' final season ' of alcoholic. He came to my house at third time dating had alcoholic seizure and I had to carry him by ambulance. I didn't know any better I got his parents no somehow ( I guess it was god made him give me his parents no in foreign country when he was drunk ) it happened to take care of him at hospital. He moved in with me and relapsed in three weeks I was nagging him and hit his chest, he hit me back and he broke my eye socket. I put him on the plane sent him back to his country. I took care of myself with broken eyes. He was in rehab for three month then came back to my country cuz I had his stuff. He moved to other town but we kept relationship. I sobered up while he was gone. It seemed things are getting better then again he relapsed. I picked him up again from the floor took him to hospital. Even meetings. Then every six month he relapsed and became crazier and crazier. <br />
Like eminem and rhiana song.<br />
I walked on my sobriety and focused on my life with three kids from my past marriage. <br />
He moved in but I guess I was just his crutch or insurance not to drink.<br />
He was dry drunk a lot of time we had so many fights. I finally started to work on alanon after my one yr sobriety. As I work on my steps try to set boundaries he got worse. He said i love you but i hate you.<br />
I said <br />
You feeling this bcz to have life with me means staying sober, i cant have life with someone who cannot commit himself to love and care himself and his partner. <br />
I kicked him out last month he is actually saying to me the disease makes him hate me. <br />
After ten days, He was so wrecked and came back. <br />
Still drinking smelling i told him i cant have you intoxicated.<br />
He is checking how far I can tolerate. <br />
I dont tell him this time what to do like going to meeting or seek help.<br />
I am praying for him to have the desperation, praying god to make him hit the bottom again.<br />
I can't change him cure him. <br />
I pray for god to grant me strength and asking for His will.

I was involved with an alcoholic man for three years, and even though I loved him dearly with all my soul and heart, I had to leave him because he was damaging my emotional state. Like the ones you talk about, he drank heavily, would fall down the stairs, talked about suicide, got in fights, got banned from bars, went to jail, got DUI tickets, went to mental ward, and on and on and on. I kept thinking that if I just loved him hard enough I could fix him and make him all better. I gave him lots of money, all of my time and attention, support, encouragement, patience--you name it. In the end, I got really tired of the lying. It got so whatever he would tell me, I'd just assume it was a lie because that was easier than believing him and then getting my heart broken again and again. The clincher was finding him in my ba<x>sement smoking pot just a short time after he had sworn he was not using pot. I finally got the courage to break up and kick him out of my house. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it.<br />
<br />
Before I kicked him out, I kept a journal for a few weeks. I wrote down everything he did that hurt me. I knew it was important to do this because I knew I had to remember these things to keep me strong in my decision. Now whenever I start to miss him, I get out that list and read it and know I did the right thing.<br />
<br />
Another thing I did was, I'd drive around in my car and talking out loud I would "practice" breaking up with him. I'd try saying it in different ways until I found the way that felt right to me. I practiced it for a while. Then when it came time to break up, I said what I had to say. Then I walked away so he couldn't try to talk me out of it.<br />
<br />
He has been out of my house and out of my life for two months now. I reclaimed my house. Got boxes for all his stuff and left it on his doorstep. Threw out his trash. Freshened the air. Washed everything I could wash. I rearranged the furniture so it felt like a new start. Bought new sheets for my bed. Bought some scented candles. I cleaned out the fridge, threw out all the food we shared, scrubbed it top to bottom, and bought new healthy food.<br />
<br />
I'm glad he's gone. But sometimes the memories hit me hard and I still miss him. Unfortunately for me, his new place is only 10 blocks from my house. It really hurts to drive by and see him or see his truck or see him with other people. So I had to make up my mind to drive the long way around the neighborhood every time. He still called and texted me so I blocked him from my phone, then I had to even block his work number because he called me from his job.<br />
<br />
I'm reading a lot of books on recovery, co-dependency, starting over, etc. It helps to read up lifting things. I stay busy with my kids and my friends. I take a long walk every day. Life does get better. I know a year from now I'll look back and be very proud of myself for having the guts to take my life back.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the very best! Love yourself!

walking away is what we all must do i have had all of the above its the days when they are sobber and you see the person that u fell in love with that we are trying to keep hold of but for me he is only there when the money runs out and thats not that often just 4 days out of hosiptal and back on the drink he hit me so in my defence i hit him back we dont live in the same house so now hes back at his home and i feel very bad and he wont have a care in the world because he will be drinking or drunk and i find myself starting to do if you cant beat them join them but thats not me i am going crazy 12 years and that is 1 day too many yes i love him but he dont love me he is always angry falling asleep cant remember things and its all my fault well now he can blame me for something walking away and loving myself

I have been struggling because I have been depressed because my ex is a recovering alcoholic but he's just fresh into recovery and he and I share a 2 year old daughter. There was physical, emotional abuse and cheating and now that he stopped drinking I have wanted to try counseling and he said he just doesn't want to. I feel so stupid for believing in him for so long. I was happy he took steps to stop drinking and enter a program and now he isn't following through with follow up treatment. I feel so sad and pathethic. When I read your post, everything sounded like I couldve written it. I am such a different woman from where I started with him. He has isolated me, I am not the same outgoing woman I used to be. I used to be really strong and positive and on the move and now I'm always sad and pathetic and staying at home because I'm embarassed to go in public and see anyone that knows my situation. I drew strength from reading your post because it gives me hope to know that people actually have the same experiences as I and I am not so crazy! Now, I just have to work on my self esteem. He told me such awful things and I'd make excuses for him because of his childhood and alcoholic family, etc...I am so ashamed for waiting this long to make a break...It's hard to start over again, but I will have to.

My husband was an alcoholic, and similarly hid bottles, ignored his doctor, and lied to me. He died in 2008 at the age of 42, making me a widow after 14 years of marriage. I wish I had had the courage to leave him, but he was my life.

Hooray! You just did one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do! And you did it for asll the right reasons. Once you get your own life straightened out a bit financially, then you can consider finding a good man to replace this one. Still, you are better off a lone than you ever were with him. Enabling him in any way just weakened your character.You probably want to take in stray puppies and kittens also. Channel for nurturing instincts into doing something positive and helpful -- work with children or help out at the SPCA. You learned some hard lessons --like drunks always lie and only think of their habit. You showed good common sense and a strong backbone! Use that strength to rebuild a better life for yourself!

Congratulations on getting where you are. That was a hard step to take and I applaud you. I am a loving wife and mother to a functioning alcoholic. But I desperately wonder if one day he won't be able to function and it scares me. I'm glad you were able to do right by yourself AND him. Enabling is just as bad a disease as alcoholism. Keep up the positive spirit and vibe you have going, and best wishes to you. I'm glad you have friends and family around to help support you in this time and through life in general.