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My Story Is Your Story - Addicted To The Addict

 

It's been over 2 years and I'm still here, dealing with the same situation, same drama, same person who has not changed despite repeated efforts with a harm reduction counselor, AA, and an addiction specialist. I've told his family, his friends, anyone who would listen, actually left him, but ended up taking him back after seeing him on his knees crying, remorseful, begging, pleading, making another empty promise. I've tried yelling, blaming, ignoring, blocking my number, name-calling, slapping, breaking down, sobbing, even joining him in drinking (if you can't beat 'em, join 'em) all to no avail because he has mastered the art of eliciting compassion from me and everyone he inflicts. I've read the literature, gone to Alanon, am currently seeing a therapist so I know I've done almost EVERYTHING wrong. I know I've perpetuated and exacerbated the situation by my actions and reactions, I know that I've enabled him to a degree by forgiving him, but I am not the standard co-dependent. Sure, I've engaged in some co-dependent behavior, but I've also sabatoged him in hopes he would hit his "bottom" sooner than later. I've turned off his phone so he'd be late for work, but miraculously--the high functioning alcoholic he is--wakes up after three hours of sleep without an alarm. Who knew? I've told his family every dirty detail of his life which involves drunk driving, passing out double parked, run-ins with the law, accidents, drinking/drugging at work. This guys is the luckiest, most resilient mofo I know! How he has managed to stay out of trouble baffles me. It's only a matter of time right? My point is that I've almost never cleaned up his messes, lied for him, or made excuses for him. It was quite the opposite.   So you might wonder, does he know he has a problem? Of course he does, but he's at that stage where he can't or won't or doesn't quite feel ready to make the change. Drinking is a huge part of his culture, it's what he does to unwind. There's always an excuse to drink. You drink when you're happy, sad, tired, mad, exhausted, frustrated, etc. Oh and did I mention the cocaine? Yeah that's an issue because if you know anything about cocaine, it masks the fact that he has a real problem with alcohol, giving the illusion that he is "normal" because of the combination. He never appears that inebriated. Sometimes I wonder if his drinking seems more of a problem in the context of our relationship and less of a problem in the context of his life in general. Hmmm?   I go back and forth with my mood. One day feeling like telling him to "eff off! I deserve better than this!" And then another day I'm back to my altruistic, compassionate self that got me in trouble in the first place and I think, "but I deeply love this person underneath the alcoholic veil... and hetries." He makes a concerted effort, they just don't stick. I truly believe he feels he is trying, the problem is it ain't about trying when you're an addict. I get so mad and frustrated that he doesn't change or can't because I forget that it's a disease and even if it wasn't, I still behave and react in the exact same way to his outrageous behavior. Hell, I haven't changed, why should I expect him to? So, this is my journey...to change...not for him, but for me...for my sanity, for my peace of mind, so I can have my life back because I did have a life prior to meeting him. I'm not saying I'm going to leave, I'm not saying I'm going to stay. For now, I'm working on me, focusing on me, taking care of me.   For more of what I am doing to survive, please check out my blog. http://alcoholicshadow.blogspot.com/
opumpkin opumpkin 31-35, F 7 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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WOW sounds like the 17 years I stayed with my exhusband. Everytime he got busted for drunk driving he swore he was going to stop....HA yea right, he just got worse. Finally with 3 DUIs in 9 months the judge put him in jail and I filed for divorce....it's taken along time to regain my life and feel good about myself, he drug me down so low Im amazed I was able to come back up.

Now I'm dealing with a daughter that's addicted to herion.

Everyday I think about running away and never looking back

I've been with this guy for over 2 years now. I can't do it anymore. I'm a single mother who does not allow him to drink around my little girl. So I don't get to see him. My little girl loves him and does not under stand why he's not around more. It is hard because the only person I have to ask for any type of help is him and 9 times out of 10 he can not help. I feel so lost.

if i didn't know better, i would have thought i wrote this! my story exactly. after almost 2 years of the same, i am moving 2500 miles away so i can move on. i wish you much happiness......you doing what is best for you and healing will be in my prayers.

Your story is mine EXACTLY! I am now working on me. I have walked away. As hard as it is, I envision my life 10 years from now with him and I am not seeing good things. Good luck to you and ALL my prayers to all 3 of us (you, me, and him)!!

I feel ya. It's a tough situation and it is hard to get away because it takes so much energy to deal with in the first place. On the one hand you know you deserve better treatment and he's sick and can't provide it for you because all he see is him him him, the whole world revolves around him. On the other, he's like a child with the best intentions but has a handicap and that appeals to your compassion and sense of forgiveness, which he feeds from and uses to nurture him and make him feel alright about who he is and his lack of action in taking responsibility for himself. It's lose lose and the only answer is to get self esteem, cut contact completely, and heal yourself so that you are able to get into a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship and leave this black hole behind. I know part of you holds onto the What If, "What if he wakes up and realizes how to be normal? I don't want to miss out on that!" It's like a carrot dangling on the end of a fishing pole, and he's leading you around while being selfish and lazy about his sickness, yet charming and sweet enough to pull on your heart strings and get you to forgive another day, and another day goes by, and another month, another year....

you have said all that needs saying in a realistic logical point of view, the only thing missing is that you have forgotten that "love" is a very strong emotion!!

when he is drunk push him down the stairs.........or whatever.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. 15 years is a long time to put up with any dysfunctional behavior. So I get it. I get the bitterness you'd feel after all of that time. I've only been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and I already see the negative impact it is having on my life - chronic fatigue, depression, isolation, etc. He became my world. I made him my whole life trying to help, accept, deny his problem. When my life started becoming unmanageable where I felt like I could barely make it out of bed, I decided to find something that might help or inspire me. If you look really hard, you will find someone or something that will point you in the right direction. Just as for help for yourself, not for him or your relationhip, just for you so you can move past the bitterness, which ultimately is hurting you the most. For me, reading articles on this topic, writing in my blog, going to therapy, confinding in at least one good friend, planning my life, setting goals...all of these have helped in some small way. I have good days and bad, but I know that is normal and to be expected. But what I realize is that when I do these things for myself, I am slowly starting the healing process, and I may not see or feel the results of this work immediately, but after constant self-care, I am confident that one day I will be where I wanted to be with myself (whether with the alcoholic or not). Good luck to you. I am sharing my full experience at http://www.alcoholicshadow.blogspot.com/