Why The Confusing Behavior?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years.  I found out he had alcoholism last year.  At first, I thought he was married or had a girlfriend and that's why he would make plan with me and then not show and not call or respond to my messages.  One night, I got angry because he sent me a message saying he couldn;t make out plans.  My suspicon got the best of me so I hopped in my car and drove to i house.  His son (20 years old)  let me in and told me his dad was upstairs.  There he was all spread out and snoring away.  The bedroom wreaked of beer! 

On my way back downstairs, I stopped at his computer room because I noticed a ton of beer bottles lined up on the window sill and in the waste can.  I decided to check the entire hose.  Beer bottles were everywhere from the basement all the way to the second floor.  There were 48-pack cartons from beer he had been drinking.  I knew the aswer but didn't want to admit it to myself that this guy has serious problems.  The thing is, I used to go out to his house all the time and sometimes, I he would leave my by myself if he had to go on an errand.  I never noticed any bottles. 

To make a long story short, he had had a pattern of canceling plans with me and I just thought he was playing me around.  I could not understand why he would always come back after a few weeks and be perfectly normal and he always begged me to forgive him for ghosting.  After a few months of this crazy disappearing thing, I told him that we need some space.  He was not having it.  He'd act right and then the pattern started again.  Right now, I have not seen him in about 6 weeks.  I am not seeing other guys, but I am open to dating someone else and I decided that I would tell my current boyfriend about it if something comes along.  I stoped having sex with him a few months ago and so the last time we were together, he was frustrated with me.  I explained that I hate occassional sex.  Either I am having sex on a regular basis or why bother.  Imagine his reaction,  but so what!

When I try to tell him how I feel lonely, he apologizes but he does not change.  IThe last time we were supposed to get together, he texted me to cancel and then he called from his house to talk to me.  I told him that I am meant to be in a fulltime relationship and not this rollercoaster stuff.  Still, I struggle with understanding alcoholism. 

  • It seems like he would rather have a beer that see me or be intimate with me. 

  • Is that normal for an alcoholic to be so focused on beer rather than what I think are better offers? 

  • He is so sweet and funny and smells really good when he is sober.  Why would he want it any other way?

  • He is very masculine and he is a terrific lover, but the beer seems to takeover. Why does he expect me to wait for him to sober uo on occassion so we can be together.  It seems selfish. 

  • I am plain confused about this pattern and I can't figure out the thought pattern,here.

  • I miss him so much and I am sad that he doesn;t not make an effort to be with me.

awake2009 awake2009
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 8, 2010

It's a disease.He has no control.Even his heart can't make a difference. Sorry to say but it's better to lose this one.The pattern wont change no matter what you want from him.We can only change ourselves. Good luck with this troubling situation. It isn't easy. -K

Finder,<br />
First, you don't sound like a know it all. You are giving it to me straight and I really appreciate your candidness. I don't understand this alcohol thing. I got drunk one time when I was in college. I felt so sick for days on end. That was the last time I let it happen. Your message reminded me that his addiction is not about me. Just because I could not tolerate the effects of drinking doesn't mean he responds in the same way. It is so strange to want to be either in a state of fog or sleeping for hours on end to get over the hangover. <br />
<br />
It seems iike that person who made you fall in love him was not really, but wishing from the start. I guess that is why people get involved and cannot let go of those with addictions. My BF is such a sweetheart and I wonder what it is that makes him want to drink. Maybe he doesn't even know why he drinks so much. At any rate, thank you for the help and clarity.

I'm sorry. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict. From weed to drinking to hallucinogens to heroin. Everything. Do you know much about addiction? You should try going to soberrecovery.com. I know this site offers support, but soberrecovery.com is a place for just this kind of thing. You can go to their forums section and there's a forum for friends and family. The people there are so loving a supportive. There you can here from addicts themselves and other people who date, are married to, are friends with, are the children of, are the parents of, or have any kind of relationship with an addict. <br />
I can clear up some of your confusion. <br />
It hurts to hear it, but YES: he does want beer more than he wants you. That is just the nature of the beast. <br />
YES it is normal for them to be focused on their addiction rather than things that would seem to anyone else to be better, like sex or time with their children or other loved ones.<br />
Why would he want it any other way? He has a disease. He can't help it. He WANTS to want it another way, but he can't make himself do it. It took me a long time to accept that it was a disease. Although he can make another choice, it's much much harder for him to do it than it is for you and me<br />
He seems selfish because, unfortunately, he is selfish. An addict HAS to be selfish. If an addict weren't selfish, they wouldn't be an addict. If they weren't selfish then the hurt they cause others would stop them from continuing their abuse of drugs or alcohol. All addicts are selfish<br />
It is confusing. It's difficult to understand why an addict's love of someone is not more important than their addiction. But the fact is that the NUMBR ONE thing in every addicts life is the drugs or alcohol. Almost all of his actions are based in his addiction.<br />
I know how you feel. I'm sorry this has happened to you. There are a few things you must know. He will absolutely not quite until he decides to. He won't do it for you. He won't do it for his mom or his son or anyone else. He has to get to a point where it is impossible to go on the way it is. There is no possible way that you will be the most important thing in his life until alcohol is out of the picture. Also, there are other problems here. Alcohol is a symptom, not the problem itself. He has other behavioral issues and emotional problems that can't be dealt with until he quits. If he can't admit to himself that he has other issues, even without getting drunk, he still won't be all that he can be.<br />
I know this sounds kind of like I'm a know it all, but trust me these are just facts. Anyone who has experience with this will tell you the same. So take this into account as you move forward and remember there are resources for you to help you get through this.