How Do I Say Goodbye

I am a 42 year old woman with three children, ages 21, 16, and 8.  Six months ago I moved out of the home I had shared with my boyfriend for 6 years.  I moved out because of the turmoil caused by his alcoholism.  We have continued to see each other, but the drinking problem has only gotten worse.  He lost his job last March and since then has only had part time jobs working as a bartender, of all things.  He has become more and more irresponsible and lives only to drink.  He sleeps til two or three in the afternoon, showers and gets ready for the next evening of fun.

I am a social drinker, but due to health reasons, I am not able to drink as much as I used to and certainly can't begin to keep up with him.  When we used to go out we would often go to dinner, drinks and a movie. Now, it is drinks, dinner, more drinks...forget the movie.  His drinking has caused hard feeling with his friends and family.  He has lost bar tending jobs due to his unruly behavior at the bar on his days off.

When I moved out, I realized the craziness I had been living with, and knew I didn't want any part of it again.  That has caused problems for us because he wants to be with me but can't do without the alcohol.  He is belligerent and unreliable when he is drinking and more often than not he is drinking.  I see now that I have basically put my life on hold, hoping things would get better.  I know they probably will not.

Three days ago we had a horrible fight and I told him we were through. I told him that he had done so much damage to our relationship, that I didn't think it could be fixed. He accused me of having met someone else.  The next day he called me at work, sober and sorry.  He begged me to meet with him so we could say a proper good bye and hopefully end things as friends.  When I met with him, however, he acted as if everything was peachy, like the fight had never happened! 

I love this man and I always will. However, he is an alcoholic and is in denial about that and many other things.  I wish our relationship could be healed. I wish he would, could stop drinking, but that is highly unlikely.  I want to move on with my life, maybe meet someone new someday and have a normal relationship.  I have to end this, but I feel stuck, like I can't make the final call.  What do I do? Logically, I know. I say goodbye and don't answer the phone.  But we have been together for seven years, some of them quite good, many of them quite bad.  I feel like I owe him more. I know that he feels that he "needs" me and is scared of life without me, especially now that he is losing everything else. I also worry about what will happen to him if I do leave for good.

I am in need of some sound advice.

april1968 april1968
41-45, F
6 Responses Mar 12, 2010

I have been dating a severe alcoholic for a year. He is a kind, smart, handsome, mature, and well-mannered. When he drinks its a diff story. He isnt a mean drunk....mainly drinks beer. I dont think he has gone a day without drinking since i have dated him. He starts his first beer around 4pm right after work and drinks until he goes to bed (this is why he is alone). He drinks before he comes over and sometimes he doesnt drink much at my house but i also have to factor in the predrinks he has before he comes over. My boyfriend has a good job and is a happy drunk. I just cant take it anymore bc he is so diff drunk....almost like he has been drugged. He does take depression medication and that maybe why. I confronted him last night and sadly he was being so lovey dovey but when he is drunk i dont take him serious. I am at the end of my rope. Alcohilism is all over his famiky. He is a great, nice nice guy and i cant continue like this. Should i break up?

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I feel for you too and that I am living a similar life. I am having a hard time doing the same thing myself. I met my boyfriend about 8 years ago and was totally, madly in love with him. He broke up with me a few times in the first two years. He said he loved me but wasn't bale to commit to a relationship blah blah blah. Five years ago, I told him that I could no longer see him or speak with him unless he was able to open his heart. He did call me 6 months later and we went back together and I was on cloud nine. We lived in different towns and spent the weekends together. I am not much of a drinker, so when I moved to his town, but not in with him, I spent more and more time with him, only to discover he is an alcoholic. I have lived here in my new town for a little over 2 years. I love it here, have many many new friends and it's close to the city for commuting to work. My BF drinks every day and although he has severe financial problems, he still always has a little money for his beer! I broke up with him a few times and although he says he has a problem, there is always an excuse. He has become an old man overnight, drinking has robbed him of so much, his money, ability to focus on his work and his physical stamina. we used to go out and have fun, he spends his time in front of the TV or computer, he has no friends unless u count his beer!<br />
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I am done, please offer any advise as to how to cut the cord completely. I don't hate, him but don't feel sorry enough to spend my life watching someone passed out in front of a TV. Will offer more details later but must get to bed, work tomorrow.<br />
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Thanks for listening...

I feel for you. In similar situation. I just wrote about my boyfriend of 2 years entitled Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde. It is tough to leave someone you love. I am having a hard time doing it myself. My boyfriend is trying to be sober but has a flippant attitude about aa and I think this is the tip of the iceberg. Yes we all deserve better but it is so very hard to do.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness.<br />
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this type of relationship. Our oldest Daughter is too and they both live with me. She's 36, he's 39 and if I knew for one second that she would not leave if I threw him out, I would do it in a heartbeat. I see the pain and hurt in her every time he drinks for 3 days in a row. Which most of the time happens after a one day passed out sleep.<br />
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Maybe we both ought to set the alcoholic's down and tell them this is how it is and this is what needs to be done, but the sad reality is, neither one of us will ever do it.<br />
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I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not the one to help you, but I do hope you'll be able to find true happiness and true love very soon. Just be very careful, there are tons of total idiots out there.<br />
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God Bless You Always,

ITS GOOD THAT YOU LEFT DEALING ALOCHLISM SUCK MY XWIFE SHE DOES HER JOB AND IF SHE'S NOT SLEEPY SHE'S DRINKING AND PROBLY DOING SOME DRUGS GO TO THE BAR FOR HOURS GETTING DRUNK IF WE GO OUT TOGETHER SHE 'D GET SO DRUNK IT WAS IMBERASSING HER FRIEND COWORKERS WOULD TALK ABOUT HER MAKE FUN OF HER I'D TRLL HER SHE'D BE LIKE I DON'T CARE WE ALL DRANK TO MUCH WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER WHEN IS IT TIME TO GROW UP SHE ENDED ARE RELATIONSHIP I KNOW WHY SHE'D RATHER GET DRUNK AND **** AROUND THAT WHAT SHE WAS BEFORE ME YOU ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE YOU LOVE YOU TRY AND HELP THEM TO BE THAT PRESON BUT YOU CAN LEAD THE HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK IF YOU STAY TELL HIM HE GET HELP OR IT'S OVER IF YOU GO THERE LOTS OF SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE BUT REMEMBER WE ALL HAVE ISSUES ITS HARD TO MAKE THE RIGHT DESITION<br />
WHO KNOW WHICH ONES THE RGHT ONE GOOD LUCK