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Am I Crazy?

I am dying for people's advice on this issue.



I am a 22 year old dating my best friend of 7 years. We have been together about 2 years. I've been feeling crazy lately, and need some advice. We planned on staying together forever, but now I've been feeling like a breakup is inevitable, but how do you break up with your only close friend? I am co dependent and sensitive, he's a high functioning alcoholic. Ugh. He lives with his best guy friend, who is an alcoholic as well- but here is the thing- they aren't like "normal"alcoholics. They have no remorse for anything, and get away with a lot... their jobs have both seen them drunk but don't fire them, they have destroyed their apartment, but are so "intelligent" that they got out of evictions from damage (while drinking) unpayed bills, and have survived law trouble. I think our relationship is suffering from the alcohol. Is he still an alcoholic if he doesn't verbally abuse me or hit me or drink and drive? He gets really aggressive (sometimes playfully) and intimidates me- but he says its not an issue because he doesn't hurt me. When he drinks with others he passes out WAY before anyone that comes to his apartment is even drunk. He drinks at school, and he has drunk "days" with friends.

 

I told him it was going to be over if he didn't get better because on Halloween he did a minor hit and run at a stop light with me in the car when he was "more drunk than he thought". But then he got angry at me when I got upset when he started drinking again 5 days later. I thought a break from drinking would be longer...                 He passed out at his sister's wedding, before an hour was up at the reception...       And the other night he was supposed to drop off my computer as I needed to sign up for classes in the morning, but I drove out late that night to pick it up when I didn't hear from him and he was passed out in the bathroom. I got a little upset and he told me I was over reacting. He is ALWAYS telling me I over react. Am I? I don't know anymore. I am a little too sensitive, but I can't tell if this behavior is acceptable sometimes. I haven't heard from him in in 48 hour except a text saying "Sry babe, I meant to drop the computer off but Josh came over and we got drunk. I love you."   He will never stop drinking- his whole family is pretty passionate about it- it's what they do when they get together. My last problem is that he finds it impossible to give a genuine apology, or want to change. And that is what makes me feel crazy. I'ts frustrating that he thinks I am the issue. Please tell me what I should do? If I am going to have to break up with him, how can I do it successfully with someone who is my best friend?

Thank you so much

I've just been so bummed lately

daniellemartine daniellemartine 22-25, F 9 Responses Mar 18, 2010

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This sounds all too familiar to me. My boyfriend lives with his dumb alcoholic best friend and my boyfriend drinks every time we aren't together. He tells me I should just be thankful because he drinks less than he did before he met me, that he used to drink a bottle a night. I feel like I still can't be "thankful" though because he's not at his best. He's great when he's sober but it seems like I'm just holding him back from drinking as much as he wants to.
He gets really defensive when drinking and everything becomes my fault "Well if you didn't get mad in the first place there wouldn't have been a fight" but it's difficult when you love someone. You just want them to be better.
I think that the best way that you can go about it is to remember that you aren't tied to him, and out there are plenty of guys who don't have drinking problems. If you're sad or anxious more than you're happy, something is wrong. It's never going to be the right time, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll be on your path to happiness. I would say to explain that you love him but that his problem with alcohol is affecting you negatively and you have tried to be there for him but you don't want to stand between him and the alcohol. I feel like you can never win when your boyfriend loves a substance more than he loves you. I need to take my own advice probably and end things with my boyfriend, because it's not worth the wasted time you're spending on him when you could find someone who will respect you.

If you drink every day, you ARE an alcoholic. They wont drink less, they will drink more and more every year. Believe me. I am watching this go on with friends in my life. It is sad that they dont know how bad it will be for them in five or ten years. They wont be able to stop and alcohol will become more important than anything else in there life. Beware. Get out before it is too late. It will be the best for both of you. You sound like you are grounded and want to do something with your life. Part ways. Best idea. You will still know him. Your needs and Your life if MORE important then his needs right now. Believe that!

I don't know why I'm reading posts in this group, maybe for learning. My advice is simple. I like to drink beer and I destroyed few relationship because of that (nothing drastic), I also lived with a friend of mine and we both drank a lot almost every day. This type of drinking is something that has to do with maturity, specially when we doesn't care. But boys, can be dangerous, and if we still don't understand how to act, well, better for girls to be safe..

I am going through this right now. I am co-dependent and feel like a total nut. I have broken-up and got back together with the same person for the past 10-years. I feel like the most mean horrible person in the world but I am starting to feel like the only way that I will be able to escape this emotional prison is to never speak to him again. It makes me so sad because when he's not drinking he's a great person, but when he is...whoa, a complete jerk. Just in a whirlwind of confusion and sadness. I wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories, seems like I am not alone.

I lived with my husband for 8 years. He was a raging alcoholic. My life was in turmoil every day not knowing how his mood would be. He would beat me giving me black eyes. I hated him but I felt he needed help also. What about me. He made me very depressed. The last straw happened when he hit me the very last time. I called the police on him. I started fighting back. I divorced him. We lived in the U.K. but he had relatives in Canada. He managed to get on a plane to Canada and lived there for another 10 years with another woman who he beat up and ridiculed, untill last September I received an email from his family that he had died of a 'wet brain'. I was neither sad or happy just glad that I managed to get away from him. All he ever did were to make other's life's miserable, scarred, and depleted of all love and affection. Get away from him today and never GO BACK. Your life will be better with out him in it. :) XX

i'm in a very similar situation. He isnt outright abusive but the things that come out his mouth when he drink. Hurtful. I love this man more than anything. I looked him in the eyes and told him that we needed a change. He broke up with me. I freaked out but we live together, well that night that we broke up. He went out with his brother got drunk and Did something SUPER dumb( cant really explain that) but not even a week later went to jail for questioning for it. It was only a week. But while he sat there realized that he cant live with out me. He's out and drinks but not to get wasted. And not every night like he was doing. he actually only drink once in a while. What im trying to say is. Sometimes you have to let them go, it sucks but thats the reality of it. Brake up. But when you sit down with him, to do that . Tell him what you are thinking...Let him know that you think he has a problem. and one of those times he thinks he can talk his way out of something, He wont be able to. and abuse is abuse, whether its yelling or hitting, whatever. you should never have to put up with it. We are about to get married and planning a family together. you have plent of time to find someone who treats you right. hope this helps a little

my boyfriend is on speed. and when im over there for the night, he invited our mutua bestfriend over and while they smoke Speed, i have to sit and watch like a scared little girl. sometimes, he will leave me in the bed so that he can smoke "just a little, ill be right back i promise"....i understand how you feel. he would never hirt me ever intentionally. but sometimes i feel that braeking up may be the only way because its so damn hard and they just dont understand. and have NO DESIIRE to change or even try to slow down! i get you girl

He's still an alcoholic even if he's not abusive.

Please don't be crazy and stay with him. Run, don't walk out the door. Do not fight over it, beg for anything, or demand alcoholic counseling, it's too late. Do not associate with any of his friends, family or bars. Find out if your an alcoholic too.<br />
In time you will be friends with him, from a distance, and away from parties. <br />
Friends will be made automatically, if you know how to respect yourself and others.