I Love My Dad Where Ever He Is

I have sat down to write this and yet do not know where to start.
My dad died 22nd September 2010 of Alcoholic Liver Disease.
In June 2007 he went to Clouds House, a rehabilitation centre in England.
He was sober for 51 weeks and for those 51 weeks I knew my real dad.
For the first time in my life I knew where I got my strange sense of humour from.
I knew why my mum fell in love with him.
Why everyone that he met worshipped the ground he walked on.
Between my birth and my dads death 21 years later that was the only time that I knew
my dad, for the other 20 years 1 week he went from being a "weekend drinker"
to a "every other night" drinker, to drinking at home, to waking up at 4am to stop the shakes
and finally to the man that I no longer recognised as my father.

My parents split when I was 4 years old because of his issues to drink.
He was often violent and my mother genuinly feared for her life. Thats no life for anyone.
It wasn't easy for her to leave him and it wasn't until he passed that I realised quite how much
she still loved him despite remarrying and indeed being happy in that relationship.

As the years went on, so did the amount my dad drunk. As a barman this is an occupational hazzard.
Looking back now I realise how bad his problems were earlier than I seem to think. Maybe I was trying to
cover up subconsiously? Either way I lived with my mum and step dad growing up. It was stable and I would
see my Dad every weekend without fail unless his work commitments meant that this would not be possible.

As the years went on I reached about 14 when he would organise to meet me and just not turn up. Again looking
back at it, he needed the drink. However at the time I saw it as him choosing the drink over me. This was never the case
really.It hurt and it took a lot of persuasion from my mother for me to carry on seeing him, telling me I needed to see past
the drink and into the real him... I did carry on seeing him but more so at the time because of the guilt I would feel
for stopping seeing him. I think as an only child and him not having a partner made that happen (not that I am blaming that).
When he went for help it was such a relief and a proud moment. As time went on and he hit the bottle again I found a girlfriend
and moved in with her, she would tell me the same thing. And again and again I would seriously doubt the relationship
that I had with my father.

On 18th December 2009 he threatened to kick the crap out of me. He was drunk and 2 mates were staying with me as
I was getting married the next day. I told him to get out. He didn't. So because I was afraid of him drunk and causing hassle
I let him stay. He saw me get married, granted he smelt strongly of vodka but he saw me get married and I would not change that
for the world.

In January 2010 my wife and I announced to him that he would be a grandad. He cried ALOT. He was so happy
to be welcoming into the world his first grandchild. A granddaughter as we later found out. He was so happy and would
cry whenever it was mentioned.

On 19th September 2010 I got a call off of my grandmother saying that she had not heard from him and that my Uncle
had gone to find him. He found him in his front room covered in a duvet with the heating on full blast complaining he was
cold. He had dozens of 3 litre cider bottles around him along with his own excrement. I met them in hospital and he was
constantly bringing up blood. For 24 hours it was very much touch and go, some drs and nurses were helpful where as
others didn't have the time of day for him and couldn't see that it was a disease he was not in control of. He was making
a slow but steady recovery. I last saw him sat up in bed on 23rd September drinking a cup of tea. He died that evening
really out of the blue. no one was expecting it. No staff or family.

Two weeks later we had his funeral.Two days later my wife went into labour and
on the 9th October 2010 we welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world
He missed the birth of his granddaughter by 17 days.

The end of 2010 to around September 2011 was the hardest year of my life but it gave me the chance to look
back on things that happened and indeed didn't.
I am so glad I never turned my back on him. Even when I wanted to the ones I loved kept us in touch.

I believe truely he died thinking that apart from close family noone cared for him.
I would have loved to have seen his face at his funeral when even standing room was full. He was loved and adored
by so many people. Thinking of his makes me happy.

I hope I have not gone on too long if you are reading this.
If you are going through similar issues and feel you have no where to turn please don't feel alone.
This is a fantastic forum to post concerns etc on and I wish I knew of it sooner than today.
People are out to support you. If you ever want support please feel free to comment below and I will
talk to you,hear you rant,rave,cry,laugh whatever it is.

I never believe in holding issues and emotions in. Its not good for the soul.

Love,harmony and peace to anyone that wants or needs it right now.
Do whatever you feel is best for you.
Never regret anything, if you think you may then you shouldn't be doing whatever is making
you feel that way,

Heshappynow Heshappynow
Dec 29, 2011