Hard Decisions

My father is an alcoholic. He has been a drunk though out my entire childhood and continues to drink to this day. He drinks between two-three 12 packs of beer a day, sometimes more.Sometimes heavier liquors. I honestly do not know how he has been able to keep his job.

He has been verbally abusive towards me, my mother and physically abusive towards my oldest brother. I have never had a doubt that if weren't for the fact that I had child protective services called on my aunt on a issue I'm not entirely comfortable talking about when I was younger and he wasn't scared that I would of called them again or done something worse; he would of hit me too. Growing up with him I have told him that if he ever hit me I would call the police and have him arrested.

He has drank away the rent money for the month on numerous occasions. Which has left both me and my mom to come up with it or be faced with being homeless. I resent him so much for it. He has also stolen money from me many times. While I lived at home you couldn't keep cash or change around the house because he would take it. Eventually I had gotten a prepaid visa and told him if he uses it i would be filing charges. Now that I'm older I can only imagine what all these threats I made put my mom through. I feel bad for it but at the same time I felt that I needed to be like that to feel safe.

With my dads drinking I witnessed my parents marriage crumble and to this day I do not understand why my mom will not leave him. I wish she would leave and find happiness. I have given up trying to convince her that she dose not need him. Its been hard to realize I cannot fix her, save her or do anything to make the situation better. The reality is that my father has no reason to stop drinking and has yet to lose anything that he cares about enough to stop.

Moving out of that house was extremely difficult. I felt like I was betraying my mother by wanting to start my own life free of my dads drinking. As the day grew closer that I could move into my own apartment living there became unbearable. There was name calling, it became clear that they would have less money because I was gone. I believe at one point I was told that they might have to move with me gone because they couldn't afford rent. I had felt so cold telling my dad that they wouldn't have to move if he drank less. I felt like a jerk. I drifted between my friends house and my boyfriends place from then on until I could officially move out.

Since I've moved I have decided that I do not want a relationship with my father unless he stops drinking. Its been a year since I have seen him. I know this decision hurts my mother, at the same time its not healthy for me and I'm learning that I come first.
girlwithaevilface2033 girlwithaevilface2033
22-25, F
May 4, 2012