Dearest Daddy

This is the first story I have written on this site.  I feel like this is the biggest defining factor in who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.

I can't remember a single instance in my life where my father didn't have a can of bud light in his hand.  I can't remember him without the smell of beer.  I can't remember anything but the shiny tin cans and the yelling, the yellow eyes, and the violence.

My father hasn't passed away, if that's the impression the first paragraph gave.  He lives a few counties away, still drinking, and begging my mother to take him back.  They split when I was seventeen.  I am now 18. 

He still drinks.  The few times I've seen him... his face looks bloated.  His eyes are a nasty, urine-like yellow.  I know these are symptoms of liver damage/failure.

I tried all of my life to get him to stop.  At five, in a home video, I told him I didn't like it.  At ten, I wrote a 20 page letter, telling him not to do it anymore.  At twelve, I begged him to take it out on me, because his alcoholism might harm my younger siblings the way it harmed me.  At fourteen, I poured out his beers.  At sixteen... I ceased caring.  He won't change.  Not for me, not for my mother, not for our little family.  Nothing.

He lost us.  He begs us to come back.  He says he'll change.

... but as long as he's got that can... I can't call him my Daddy.

Truli Truli
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 1, 2010

I have a daughter who is 10. I am an alcoholic single dad. I was such a great dad until a year or so ago after a few disappointments in life. Your story made me realize I need to stop. My daughter begged me to stop drinking. She is confused by it. She doesn't know what happened to her father. Your story, I hope, will help me stop. Your father loves you, knows he ruined his own life and his families, but he cannot stop. He can't. He wants to, but he can't. IT was never your fault. God help me, so I don't become him. Thank you for your story.

i know exactly what you mean. My dad drinks nothin but butch beer. 24/7. nott exadgerating. I've tried everything to get him to stop. He just wont. But now he is into drugs. I dont know how long he has been on drugs but i just recently found out. I gave up on callin hhim dad. I am embarresed to brings frirnds over bcuz of him. <br />
Every day i struggle to hide the bruises.. He gets very violent & noone can/will stop him...<br />
Everyone says "he is your dad..... He loves you" but i think if he loved me i wouldnt be hiding bruises..

Hi Truli,how are you to day?ur storry is a sad one i must just have to tak him back,his your father no matter what and he needs help.i know you have tried but put more effort to make him change.don't think too much and concentrat more on your studies.