My Mom

My mom stands only about 5'2", she maybe weighs 110lbs. At least that's about what she weighed when I saw her last, which was about 9 years ago. You see? My mom's an alcoholic. The kind that drinks every night alone, stays up in to the wee hours of the morning, smoking & ultimately passing out.
This has been her pattern for as long as I can remember.
She is on her 5th marriage & I think they're still together.
She was briefly married to my actual father, he was husband number 1. They divorced before I was one year old. Saw him a few times each year and now we don't speak at all. We never had a lot in common, or a chance to create any special memories. I often felt like a burden to him.
My mom would date many men during her separations, because she truly didn't like being alone. At one time, my mom was considered a swinger. This was during her second marriage, and they partied like rock stars. And divorced a few years later. This husband took me to lunch when I was 18. I had no clue of this but, I had moved to the town he was living in, and we bumped into one another one day. At that lunch, he asked me out on a date. Classy guy, right?
I've witnessed things that were strange when I was young, but are now hilarious. I've also witnessed things that I thought were strange when I was young, but now know they were rape. I've watched both my mom & her married sister, simultaneously cheat on their husbands in adjacent rooms while I was "sleeping". I've seen my mother sobbing because she found out she was dating and in love with a married man.
She thought it was appropriate to ask me if she should marry a particular man she'd been dating. Apparently, he was threatening that unless she did, he wouldn't go through with a much needed heart surgery. I said, I didn't know and she said yes. This was a crazy man, who had rage issues, manipulation issues (obviously) & in the end suicidal issues. A few years after they were married, he found out that my mom was going to leave him. When she went to work for her last day, he came to me with a loaded gun pointed at his head, asking me if he should shoot himself or her? Not cool. I was alone in the house with him & speechless.

There are so many stories to tell. Stories of me sleeping in the back of her 260Z for hours in the parking lot, while she would party in a bar all night. Stories of me finding her peeing on the carpet in the spare bedroom. Stories of me get her loaded gun away from her as she would try to move it to another spot while totally intoxicated, and fumbling around. Stories of her forgetting to pick me up at school events, friends houses, you name, she would forget & then be too drunk to come anyway.
It all boils down to this; I wanted so badly to help her, but I never could. Alcohol was always what she needed, not "pain in the ***" me. I was merely a responsibility that cut into her party lifestyle. She had a hard time expressing or showing love. She could not give praise, only questioning. But, she could almost set the house on fire every night by dropping a lit cigarette on the carpet or in the couch. I was good for saving her physical self, but never her mental self. Ultimately, I had to let her go.
We experienced so much together, and it was deep for me, but not for her. She could treat anyone like an acquaintance. It's sad to know that my children have a grandmother out there and a grandfather too, but they won't know them. It's incredibly hard to explain why, as well. I honestly taught myself a lot of stuff, and have opinions based on weird stuff from when I was a child. These things are who I am. I'm still a child, in some ways, looking for guidance, but making my way through life the best I can. I'm too old to feel like a child inside, but I do.
rottenrobi rottenrobi
46-50, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

I am so sorry.You are better off away from her..I am almost speechless here.You are strong person and I admire that..I too had mother from hell.She is dead but and I am happy I don't have to hear her twisted mind pollute my air.In the end she was bitter and alone when she died.It took a lot out of me but I survived.Now I rarely think of her except with disdain.

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree, it's not very often that my mom comes in to my mind either, and I'm okay with that. :)