Detachment

I often ask myself : "Has it always been like this, before was I just too young to understand?"

It's only over the past year that I have really come to terms with my mum's addiction...But according to my dad, this has been going on for ages.

My mother was clever, creative, helpful and kind. Now she can't organize, she's unreliable, vicious and cunning. She's always been a great actress and so she's managed to trick a lot of the doctors and nurses into believing what she wants. She knows exactly what they want to hear. From telling them that I'm depressed because I'm "confused about my sexuality" to claiming that my father was raped as a child so that's the reason for their bad relationship...

She started going to a clinic and seeing a specialist, but it wasn't regular and didn't change anything. Not in my eyes. I wanted to see the change, I wanted it all. All or nothing. I wanted her to stop completely.
She still got drunk most nights, and had incidents where she'd embarrass or hurt herself.

This went on for months and months. Eventually, me and my father moved out.
One night I woke up to her screaming "Take her, I don't want her anymore!" to my dad and that was that, I packed my bags.

I stayed with my best friend, and my dad stayed too. One night my mum came and smashed one of the windows, trying to break in.
I called the police myself, but they didn't take it seriously (she's only a woman) and they took an hour to arrive. They tried to calm her down and took her home. Nothing else.

One day, I said to her "You've got 48 hours to book yourself into detox or I'm never going to talk to you again". She seemed to take notice, and with me and my dad's help, went to a clinic.
She spent three weeks there, and has been out over a month.
Still drinking, but hiding it well...

Until friday. I got home from school to find her passed out on the sofa. Red wine stains about her lips, and a half empty bottle of vodka in the kitchen.
That just broke my heart.

I kept busy this weekend, but last night I cracked and broke down. Now I'm just exhausted, physically and emotionally.
I miss who she used to be, but now I think it's time to let her go. There's nothing more I can do.

Thank you for reading, and thanks for your strength, all of you guys who are going through this too.

If anyone wants to talk, send me a message on here or on facebook:
www.facebook.com/NerdyVegan
My Skype is:
twisted.veggie.girl

I'm here for you. :)
EagleSong EagleSong
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 10, 2012

I'm too emotionally drained to respond in length - but wanted you to know that yet another person has read and UNDERSTOOD exactly what you are saying. I miss the woman my mom used to be as well.

I, too, have an outrageous alcoholic mother. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, the best and only advice I can give from my own experiences is just do everything you can to hold out until you're 18 and then separate yourself. I was fortunate in that my dad was always there for me so I always got words of wisdom from him and he said there is no point of keeping negative things in your life. It will be hard trying to keep separation but once you get to a healthy point in your life maybe you can try and talk with her again. Good luck to you, I hope the best