I Am Unsure How It Started

maybe a sip here? Or maybe a bottle there?

My mom is an alcoholic. She has been one for as long as I can remember. It seems inebriated minds think alike as she married my alcoholic abusive father.

I think my mother's alcoholism stems from a long line of abuse, a long line of pain, and a long line of hopelessness.

After a bit you begin to wonder though. She has me, she has two other wonderful children. Good in school, well-mannered. Loving as can be. Why? 

With my mom's drunkeness comes hurtful words, and even more hurtful actions. She becomes *very* suicidal when drunk and down. In one period of about 5 months she had attempted suicide an estimated (my memory is kinda fuzzy..I clearly remember two..but that leaves a hospital trip still there..).

One of these suicide attempts harmed us. It was a fire. And us kids were harmed. She wasn't.

In my daily life I don't talk about it. I blame it on a neurological condition she has. I blame it on her being sick. I have never once said the words "my mom is an alcoholic". Never. I won't. I can't. 

On here...IDK I get a sort of courage to discuss the demons.

There is a lot of bad thougts and bad memories, and it shows in me. When she comes to visit me (btw, we were taken from her and put into foster care) I can't sleep, I hardly eat and I lie awake at night thinking.

Currently. I refuse to drink. At parties I am offered and I make some lame excuse and my friends give me odd looks..but they don't know. 

Currently. My brother and sister are both into drugs and my father has died due to his alcoholism.

Currently. I am surviving.

WalktwoMoons WalktwoMoons
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 10, 2009

Stay Strong <3

Hi. I am proud of you. Everyday you need to remind yourself you are your own person, you have great value and only what you do is a reflection of yourself. I am worried to hear you cannot eat or sleep due to your mother's visits. I understand it, completely. However, I find when this happens to me it is because I have not set limits for myself. Set limits to your mom's visits--their duration, their purpose. This will allow you some control over your life. Have an image in your mind, a favorite remembrance that has nothing to do with anything having to do with your mom. When you are unable to sleep, practice shoving the unsettling thoughts out of your mind (literally picture yourself shoving the thoughts out) and force yourself to replace that thought with the good thought. It takes practice, but in time it will become easier. We cannot control others, their actions, or their lack thereof. Our control lies within us. We can choose to think about the bad. And we can chose not to. Journal your thoughts for a certain amount of time each day or everyother day. Make that the only time you allow yourself to think about your mom and the past she created for you. The rest of the time should be yours to create your here and now and future. I am here if needed.

Thanks for the insight..<br />
<br />
And, hang in there yourself!

i dont know what to say to this story hun.... my mother and father bpth were alcohalics and druggies..... im not, although once in a while i did, but it doesnt mean you will be if you drink. good job for staying strong. My mom left us with other family and took off not telling anyone where she was going ten years ago.... the drugs and shame took over her i think... stay strong. i wish sometimes to be able to run away and just be high and drunk all the time, but its not the right thing to do. stay strong and do all you can for your siblings. just because they grew up around the crap doesnt mean they have to be that now.. good luck with life hun