My Struggle With A Transformation Fetish And The Solution.So here is my life story, it is confusing and a bit quirky, I am going to try and expound on my psychological insights to the best of my abilities, here goes nothing.
So I was born and raised in a catholic household, quite strict, I have an older brother and younger sister and my parents are obviously antigay, however in my early years I don't recall knowing about anything related to homosexuality, probably when I was approximately 7-8(I believe) I had this problem where I would hump my covers before I went to sleep, I believe I was disturbed by this practice and never told my parents or anyone for that matter. at around age 11-12(approximately) I started ************, as best to my knowledge when ************ at that age I believe I regarded the practice as something wrongful. Anyway, throughout the process I continually wanted to stop this behavior, thinking this will be the last time I jerk off, or perhaps I can bring myself to edge and then stop, and continue that cycle. All of this hilariously had been completely futile, and I kept on coming back for more. I think I had been turned off by the idea of sex, or that sex was perhaps subconsciously wrong at the time, although I am not quite sure why I was reluctant. As a consequence I do not believe I was thinking of any sexual imagery while doing the deed. I do remember googling whether ************ was against the bible/religion/god and I think I ended up with positive outlook as the majority of evidence showed the ************ was actually healthy, however I do remember seeing sites showing the ************ was a sin, but I don't think I believed those sites entirely, probably because it felt good and I was looking for conformation bias.
At around approximately age (13-14) I discovered the wonderful world of ****, however not the typical **** you would think of, transformation ****. from Edmol to Arania to transfur. What took grasp of my attention and my "sexual life" was this strange, odd, weird fetish mainly focusing on humans transforming into animals. Bizarre. I do also remember taking a non sexual interest in transformations at a young age as well, although it was not nearly as captivating once puberty hit. Some of the early tfs that stick out in my mind are the Pinocchio donkey tf, the courage the cowardly dog alien chicken tf, and also the sponge bob snail tf, I also had a peculiar interest in the animorph series and always was fascinated by flipping the pages really fast to see the person morph back and forth. I do also remember a very impactful dream when I was young in which I became a parrot, and it has always stayed with me since. Anyway after finding the more sexual aspects of transformation for the next approximately 7 years all I could get off to was this strange fetish, I had no idea why, I liked it, and it seemed to work. after a careful recent evaluation of this fetish I believe I have come up with some reasons for my liking of this fetish, firstly it does not involve sex, and for some reason I believe I attached on to this fetish because I think I still was subconsciously trying to avoid any sexual encounters, perhaps I was disgusted or even repulsed by the idea, I really believe that also the whole religion thing was a part of that mentality, sex is bad, don't have sex, so consequently don't think about sex, it is wrong, which is why this fetish so perfectly fit in with that mentality. Secondly, the fetish deals with a complete and total lack of control, one’s body against one’s mind, and basically it is hopeless to resist against the transformation occurring. This fits in with the idea of a sort of submissive fetish, as I believe I was imagining myself as the one being transformed or visa versa, so similar to bdsm.
Anyway this fetish took ahold of me and did not let go sexually, at school I do not believe I had strong sexual attractions for either men or women at my school, however I did manage to go on three dates during high school and one in my second year of college. All of the dates lasted no more than about two weeks at the most, and there never really was a strong attraction at all towards members of the opposite sex. The first girl I dated turned out to be a lesbian, we never got close and the relationship kind of faded. The second girl was the one who started the relationship as she was attracted to me, not the other way around, and the relationship ended quite abruptly. Also eventually at some point I believe there was some sort of fear in perhaps that I did not find the opposite sex appealing, as in the last date we went as far as French kissing, but it didn't really do much for me, I wanted to really like this female, I believe I even forced myself to get a ***** to prove myself that I had some sort of attraction, she broke up with me stating that she did not feel what a relationship was supposed to feel like with me and was confused, I thought I was just inexperienced, and wanted the relationship to go on longer, perhaps to see if there was something else. Eventually the third girl came back again for one day. I again forced myself to pop a ***** and was consciously aware that when lying next to her I had one and thus, using circular logic, was attracted to females. But something was off. She ended up asking if I liked her and I turned her down. I did not feel anything towards her really. I believe I blamed my fetish for this, and although I could have used my fetish while dating (thinking about transformation to make me horney) I strictly did not partake in this activity, as I would want to be attracted to the other person rather than the fetish itself. Sometimes I tried ************ to the females through normal ***********, but could not even maintain a *****, women did not turn me on. furthermore I do not believe I up to this point had experienced love of any sort, during dating the fourth girl one of my friend's girlfriend asked what sort of smile I had when I felt butterflies, this question boggled my mind as I do not believe up until this point I ever had butterflies before, especially not ones pertaining to a girl I was dating. I knew others experienced love and all of the emotions of attraction, but somehow I was left out.
the slow process of my realization that perhaps I was self-sexual/asexual set in, I was contemplating what it would be like to live alone, and all the while still feeling that something was off, why did I have this fetish? Why me? Why couldn't I just get going with a female? I would like to point out that between the first and second date I had delusions of actually wanting to become an animal, namely a fox, and oddly was turned me away from religion completely and I became an atheist at this young age. Anyway, back to the story, I am now age 20 and something completely miraculous, completely unexpected, almost out of the blue happened to me about a week ago. Almost out of nowhere I gave the thought of what if I was gay a shot, and in the next three hours I came to believe that I was undoubtedly gay. Wham. Completely out of nowhere. I stayed up all night thinking about the possibility and even began to cry a bit. Emotions I had never felt before flooded my brain, I was being overwhelmed by a tremendous amount of gay thoughts, I even I had a ***** almost the entire night. In the morning I *********** while thinking of such things and almost passed out by the power of the ******. all in about 12 hours I had convinced myself that I in fact was gay, I felt the butterflies that I was asked about before, I felt what love could possibly feel like, too many emotions for me to reasonably handle, the fetish I had about transformation I believe was banished. In fact the idea that I was gay and could possibly live with another man for the rest of my life and be attracted to another member of society both sexually and emotionally was a far far greater outcome than living by myself, asexual and unattached to anyone and therefor I was excited by the idea that I was gay.
This is the part of the story in where I start to have concerns. First of all, after researching about other people’s stories about their sexuality, it turned out almost unanimously that everyone, "always knew that they were gay", and surprisingly I could not find one remotely definitive piece of evidence pointing to my attraction to the opposite sex until this epiphany I had. When confronted with the opposite sex during all of my years of high school and college, I never consciously associated that person with a ****, I know it sounds strange, but my mind blocked out the idea of guys having dicks while talking to them. I knew that all males had dicks it just never crossed my mind that they did when I was talking with a friend or otherwise. Something significant I remember was that one time a guy with a hard on had walked by, this was extremely jarring and my mind kind of did a somersault when I saw this, kind of hard to explain. another note is that I completely avoided talking about sex or any related topic to anyone, also the friends I hung out with hardly ever brought up the subject of sex, unless it of course was in the one or two off comment jokes, ones of which I was too embarrassed/shy to respond to. Also I only had male friends while growing up, and usually just best friends, i.e. 3 or 4. Another area of concern is that I was convinced that I was gay after a mere three hours of thinking about the subject. This is contradictory to everything I have read, people do not just turn suddenly gay, especially people who have never had any feelings for members of the opposite sex. I have tried to locate feelings I had before for other males, and the evidence is sparse perhaps even coincidental. For me it just does not add up. These are questions that I don't have answers too, but the area of fetishism is new and not much research has been put into it. perhaps one day we will be able to find a definitive link between homosexuality and the transformation fetish, maybe not. but for me I believe I have solved it by coming to terms with my true self, with who I actually am inside rather than letting my past experiences get the better of me.
I have quite a strong feeling that the acquisition of this fetish was largely due to some sort of sexual repression, not externally but an internal repression possibly triggered by outside forces (religion, homophobia, bad childhood experiences, ignorance on sex ect). I don't think I would be content with just having a relationship with a woman and then just using this fetish as my only turn on, which I do believe individuals with this fetish are content with. More so, if it is universal that having this fetish is some sort of sexual repression then I do believe that people should have the right to know that they are being repressed and I encourage them to explore other areas of their sexuality that they may have not known that they posses. Throughout high school and into college whenever the topic of homosexuality came up, my mind automatically shot back with the thought that I was straight, and thus reinforced that idea. Its sort of like I always just took if for granted which may have made this transition take longer. Also being an atheist may have helped me discover myself, it might have been a slow subconscious transition where I eventually snapped, however if one were to think of homosexuality as completely wrong and sinful, that realization may never come. If you do believe that being gay is wrong and sinful, I ask that you realize that many many individuals are religious and homosexual at the same time, and this goes for most religions, you should research it. And if you are repulsed by the idea of homosexuality I ask that you really really think deeply on this subject, because if you really are gay, and in denial, your life will be much worse off then it would have been. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never truly loved at all. Finally if you manage to have broken your fetish like I have then I ask you to post on the experience project your success, because the more people that create these stories the better understanding we can have of this interesting and quirky fetish.
It hasn't been long since I wrote this post, but the more I ponder the connection between animal transformation and homosexuality, for my case, the more it becomes clear that the two are linked. For instance, one big turn on for me with transformation, was tail growth, looking at it from a different perspective, I can now almost definitively conclude that this is sexually synonymous with the hardening (or growth) of a man's penis. This is not just restricted to tail growth either, I can see similarities between tail growth, udder growth, and abdomen growth in bees, ants, and spiders. What is even more interesting is that all of these growths take place in approximately the same location as well. I hope this has shed more light on the subject, and I will continue to look into these matters. I wish the best of luck to every with their own self discoveries.
looking back, it may have seemed that I am against having a transformation fetish. I would like to make myself more clear by saying that I do not believe that there is anything wrong with it inherently, simply in my case I believe that it was holding a significant part of my sexual life hostage. I still enjoy viewing transformations, but now I have a better understanding of my interest in the topic, and am now able to express my self sexually through other means. I have always believed that understanding ones self mentally is critical to enjoying life fully, and just in this one case it has cause a break through for me. People like things for different reasons, that is obvious, the question you should ask yourself, is why? and perhaps with enough introspection you can also come to your own conclusions.