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Mild Anxiety

I have been struggling with anxiety disorder and depression for many years

Somehow I healed from depression though I still have my melancholic tendencies and I often suffer S.A.D but I'm hanging in there for now. I must say we moved recently and this change cheers me up, I need newness.

Yeah kinda strange for someone with anxiety!But I loathe boredom and routine, it scares me and makes me wonder if I'm already dead or what?

Now my anxiety disorder is rather mild, for I can go out alone( though I don't do this on a daily basis) I can also go out driving alone( which was not that easy believe me!)

There are still some days of failures when I venture going out and walk a few steps away from home and feel totally out there , like lost, almost dizzy and it scares me. I feel scared because I fear I'm going to faint and no one will give a damn...

Besides now Being pregnant it's sometimes even more difficult for me to go out.

But today I was kinda glad that I managed to go out for some shopping for food.Not that easy though it's not very far by feet and for most people it is easy and normal, but for me it's kinda like a challenge.plus it's a new place so I have to get familiar with it.

I remember my anxiety disorder appeared when I was about 17 or so.My doctor said it was spasmophilia, because I had crisis of big fear, which with time I discover were panic attacks.

During a very depressive time of my life I had to battle a generalised anxiety, with panic attacks and it really drained me.

It was vicious because the more I get panicky the more I was depressed because I could not find the reason and vice versa...I was given meds but never took them, only natural stuff. I am definetly not into chemicals.

I have always believed if I begin with this it'll be like a crutch and I'm going to get dependent on this.I was very dependent at that time, dependent on my family, on my boyfriend etc.

Right now I'm not totally healed, I'm not a social butterfly, rather a recluse.I have been home for 6 years now.

But I trust more my capacity to go out there and meet people, I just often have to keep challenging myself.I often wonder what the future will be made of.

I feel I more sensitive than "normal" people and I think my life is kinda strange, I mean I got an education,diplomas, I went to university, I am capable, but have not much experience.

I have had many little jobs: waitress,shop assistant, secretary and such

my fav job was nanny, to take care of children.

But now at my age, not having worked much, not having any financial security( but to rely on my husband)and being pregnant, I wonder how everything will work out.

I have tried to work from home, I did a lot really even with my anxiety disorder I fought and tried to take my place down here, yet I am not sure if I have found it.

Will I be able to be a stay at home mom and artist/writer etc. or will I become a nanny and also take care of my own children?will it work out financially with my dreams of having a big family?

I am trying to face all my fears, to keep going ahead.

I want to send hopes to all those who believe they can't fight this. At some point in my life I wonder if I would be able to be stronger than this disorder and with time I keep healing myself and sharing what I have learnt through this.

 

InsanePoem InsanePoem 26-30 Oct 7, 2009

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