In And Out Of Recovery...

I struggled with bulimia for about two years, then EDNOS, then anorexia for awhile.
Now I'm in that lovely limbo we call "recovery."

I was in an outpatient program for awhile--weekly therapy with doctor/dietitian visits every other week. I felt like my therapist treated me like a diagnosis, though, instead of a person. I absolutely hated it. So I lied to the extent that the therapist thought I was doing better, told my mom about all the things my therapist did (suggested I sneak behind her back to get a driver's license, experiment like a "normal teenager" with things like alcohol and boys, etc. No lie). She agreed with my decision to leave the program--I tricked her into thinking I was better, too.

The true recovery started with a boyfriend. We were really close, and he couldn't stand to see me doing all that to myself. There were so many fights... it was crazy. Almost every night, we fought about whether and what what I had eaten that day, whether I had purged or planned to, and so on. At one point, he issued and ultimatum, and I promised to stop. I slipped back into it within a few weeks, though.
And... he was suicidal. Not over that, but I knew how the stress got to him. I cared about him more than I cared being thin, so... I tapered it off, stopped as best I could. "Recovery" is quite possibly the most hellish experience on the planet. I still had very occasional relapses--maybe one instance of purging every three or four months. I very nearly hit the six-month mark, until my boyfriend had a week-long church thing. I was depending on him too much for this--but then again, he was the only reason for it.

After a while--a long while--I started to enjoy recovery. Can you imagine, eating an ice cream cone without feeling terrible about it after? It was amazing.

Then? We broke up.
It's not as simple as that, not nearly. We knew we wanted to get back together as soon as we could work out our issues (some personal problems that couldn't really be worked on from the inside). That changed after I had a miscarriage and we had, ah, a "difference of opinion" about it (I grieved; he couldn't find it in him to grieve). Now I've been reconsidering... do I want to get back with him when we're on such different emotional spectrums, and so on (I operate on happy to melancholy; he's more irritated to rage).

And a very big part of that I'm-not-sure is that I want the eating disorder back. I know it's crazy, but if you're part of this experience you probably know the way the addiction pulls. I want to be thin again, to look at pro-ana, to drive myself crazy with measurements. It's insane, the way you start to miss dizzy spells and hunger pains. Hip bones.

I'm not really sure where I'm going to go from here. I know what the right thing to do is, but I also know what FEELS right, which is not the same at all. I want some guiding force to tell me what I should do, but since I don't necessarily believe in a guiding force... I doubt that's gonna happen any time soon.
SpazzAvalanche SpazzAvalanche
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 4, 2010

I recovered mostly for my boyfriend too. I got help before him but I know I wouldnt have been able to stick to recovery without him. I rely on him way too much, hes the only thing keeping me away from ED. I love him. I stay healthy for him. I dont know how I would cope if we broke up. I dont think I could. I still feel the 'pull' of ED sometimes, but knowing he cant handle me with ED and how upset/annoyed he gets if I skip a meal, I want to make him happy, me giving into ED wont make him happy and would probably mean the end of us, so I stay healthy and away from ED for him. <br />
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Ive never been happier. I remember how miserable I used to be. I dont ever want to go back there. I can eat out now. I can look in the mirror now, and even be happy with what I see occasionaly. <br />
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As tempting as ED can be. It doesnt equal happiness. it gives the illusion of beauty and happiness, when actually its ugly and utter misery.<br />
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Stay Strong. Stay Healthy. Do What Makes You Happy =)

I am sorry that you two broke up but it sounds like it was for the best. I understand what you mean about wanting the hunger pains back. I have recently fell back into my anorexia and I just realized how much I missed it. It's a horrible feeling to be starving but its also your best friend. <br />
All I can say is if you were happier not eating and being thin then do it. Life is short there's no reason to live it not being happy. Good Luck!