Falling Back And Drowning.

I have been dealing with this never ending battle for as long as i can remember. Never feeling good enough. Always too big.
I can recall being just a little girl weighing myself multiple times a day. As the years went on, the severity of the issues i had developed.
binging, throwing up, skipping days without food, not wanting to part with the scale i used at least five times a day.  Over the last year or so i had thought it was getting better, only because i was able to make myself eat and look healthy again. But i know now its not that easy. I have gotten rid of the scale because i am so scared to step foot on it. knowing that even if the number goes down ill stil be disappointed in it. i look in the mirror everyday, pick myself apart for hours throughout the day. i cry when i see my reflection. my mind is consumed with thoughts of how to avoid eating, what i will and wont allow myself to eat that day, how i have to go to the gym because if i miss one or two days i feel gross. Im angry with myself that i allowed myself to put on weight and "get healthy" because i see it still has being fat. All i see when i look in the mirror is fat. I want to get help. I want these thoughts that consume me to go away. i want to live my life not worrying about every ounce of food i put in my mouth or walking by a window and tearing myself apart in those five seconds. I want to be able to go to bed at night without feeling like i failed and thinking about how ill make it better tomorrow. I want help for this. I tried to look for help a few months ago but i didnt have health ins. so it made it nearly impossible to afford to see anyone for $100+ a week. Now that i finally have health ins again i started looking but just my luck all the therapists that specialize in eating disorders dont take ins. at all or the one that i have. so i still sit here drowning in these thoughts with the feeling there is no way out. everytime i think i got myself out by myself, i only fall bacnggk in eventually.
deleted deleted
26-30
4 Responses Aug 12, 2010

thank you

Im sorry that you feel this way. Im going through the same thing. Its such a hard struggle and its hard when you feel like you have no one to turn to. Wanna get help but then theres no one there. So then sit here and struggle sometimes you just feel like you just wanna give it up cause regardless what u do ur suffering. I really hope you find the support to get through this. Im here if you ever want to talk.

did your mom struggle with her looks, did you see her weigh herself or diet a lot?

What caused this? Were you told you were fat when you were young, did you have some kind of trauma that happened? Were both parents present and not absent? Boyfriend, Girlfriend trouble, Or is it simply that society cares more about making money than about the well being of the consumer? Just looking at your picture you are absolutley beautiful! What was it or who was it that made you believe you were not beautiful and good enough?