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I've Experienced Almost All Possible Eating Disorders.

4 years ago, when I was 12, I thought of myself as quite chubby. I had always been underweight as a child, but at the age of 11 I got a growth spurt and I started to feel really insecure. I was still underweight, but I went on a diet because I thought I was fat. I was really tall back then, 1.72 meter, and I was bulllied a lot. After 2 months of my 'diet' I only ate dinner (that was the only meal my parents were watching me), and sometimes I didn't eat anything for days because I made up excuses, like I was eating at a friends house, but I wasn't eating there, I just went running or cycling for an hour or 2. 

I became really skinny. When I weighed 42 kilograms, my parents sent me to see a doctor. I was forced to eat by my doctor and parents. They didn't really do anything, the doctor said I was too young to be anorexic and she said I was attention seeking. Everything would turn out fine. 
I stopped seeing the doctor when I had gained enough weight. I could lower my 2600 calorie intake to 2000 calories. 
That didn't go well at all. I started to feel hungry when I ate 2000 calories, because I was used to a ridiculous diet of 2600 calories. 
Sometimes I followed my eating schedule for 2 or 3 days, and by then I was so hungry I started to have binges. At first I only ate fruit and sandwiches with jam and muesli, after a few weeks the sandwiches and fruit were replaced by ginger bread and vanilla yoghurt, after 2 months my binges only contained chocolate and biscuits. Of course I kept gaining weight, but I couldn't control myself, I couldn't eat 2000 calories, my doctor taught me to eat 2600 and I just couldn't eat less.

9 months after my 42-kilogram-record, I had gained 13 kilograms and weighed 55 kilograms. I had never weighed that much, I was really shocked. I felt like I HAD to do something. At first, I started to excercise a lot. I told my parents I went to a friend, while I went rollerskating for 3 hours. I made sure I burned off at least 1000 calories a day, to compensate for my binges, which I had about 3 or 4 times a week. Still, I continued to gain weight. I went crazy, tried to eat nothing for days. After 2 days of fasting, I would get another binge. I was always excercising, I was always moving, always doing something, to burn as many calories as I could. I started to take laxatives, and my weight became stable at 60 kilograms. I was still 1.72 meter, and just turned 14 years old. I was fatter then I'd ever been, but at least I didn't gain any more weight. I covererd all the mirrors in my room and avoided the other mirrors in my house and on the street. 

Then, after a few months, my mother found a package of laxatives in my drawer. She went crazy, called the doctor again, and I had a few conversations with the doctor. The doctor concluded I had turned boulimic, BUT, since my weight was stable and I didn't have health problems and lack of vitamins and stuff, there wasn't really a problem, she said. I should stop taking laxatives, but excercising that much wasn't really a big problem, she said, and I should eat more healthy. But since my body was still pretty healthy, she didn't see any need for further treatment.
My parents were still furious. They took all my money so I wouldn't be able to buy laxatives, they wouldn't allow me to go out of the house because I would excercise, and as a result I started eating less again and excercising in my room. 
Finally, I lost weight again, and I was really happy about that. When I weighed 51 kilograms, my parents became suspicious again and warned me they would call another, eating disorder specialized doctor if I'd get below 50 kilograms. I realized I should maintain my weight if I didn't want to 'get in trouble' (I didn't realize I already was in trouble), so I started to eat 1200 calories a day. I maintained my weight, my parents were satisfied.
I wasn't. I felt like I didn't have control about my food. 
I was often tired. I went to see a doctor, he said that people from the age of 13-18 eat very unhealthy, not enough fruits and vegetables and too many fast food. I didn't eat any fast food, I only ate fruits and vegetables and skimmed yoghurt and milk and muesli and fish. Still, I was worried the reason of my tiredness would be unhealthy food. 
I found a 'vitamine and minerals calculator' on the internet and soon, eating healthy became an obsession. I wanted to make sure I ate enough of EVERYTHING, but at the same time, I couldn't possibly eat too much of one thing because that would also be unhealthy. 
I spent hours a day of finding 'the perfect diet'. 
After a few months my mother found my vitamin and minerals list on my computer. She went crazy, sent me to a dietitian, who gave me this list with what I had to eat. I was down at 47 kilograms at that point, and was 1.73 meter. We decided I would gain weight and stabilize at 55 kilograms. I ate, under supervision of my parents at home and my friends at school. I stabilized at 55 kilograms, ate 2100 calories a day (I was still excercising a lot, but just for fun) and everything went pretty good. I still couldn't eat pie or something, but I was okay with that, I felt good. I threw my scale out, because I had realized my scale only made me unhappy. 

Then, I got medicine for my 'eczema', I'm not too sure if that's the right word in English, but anyway, I gained weight of that. I don't know how much (I threw my scale out, remember), but my mother said she thought it would be 5 or 6 kilograms in 4 months. I called my doctor if there's any possibility to stop taking the medicine, but she said there has to be further research first and if there would be an alternative, I would have to reduce my medicine intake slowly. She said it would take a month to find out if there's any alternative and then it would take a month to reduce the medicine.
The phone call with my doctor was last week, since then, I barely ate anything because I'm terrified I will gain weight again. I'm afraid everything is starting all over again right now.

Well, that was my story..
I'm sorry for grammar mistakes and stuff, English isn't my first language!
Hoshii Hoshii 16-17, F Mar 13, 2011

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