Unintentional Complements.

I have never once felt flattered by a complement in all 23 years of my life. In fact, they actually kind of aggravate me. When people complement me on something I feel slightly annoyed. Annoyed at the fact that I know they're lying, annoyed because I have to act grateful and put on a fake smile and say 'thank you.'

The 'complement' I hate the most is 'you're beautiful.' I feel like that word is so, so, so overused to the point where it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate it when people tell me I'm 'skinny' or 'thin' or 'tiny.' How can I believe something that I can't even see? And I've always thought that if I let anyone convince me that I was thin, I'd start eating or something and then I would get fatter.

The things that do make me feel happy, or accomplished, or know that what I am doing is working, are things like 'have you lost weight again?' 'you look pale/sick.' 'you're too thin.' 'get some meat on you.' etc. Or things like my boyfriend's dad said today.

We were at the laundromat washing clothes like we do every two weeks, and I was feeling anxious because my boyfriend has a tendency to procrastinate or put things off until the last minute. The last wash is at 7:30pm and we got there at 7:00 and the big washers we needed were all taken up. By one person. So while I was sitting in one of those stupid plastic bucket seats next to the terrible magazines like Time and National Geographic, the lady came in to finally get her stuff out and go take up all the dryers.

She was definitely a MILF for sure. She had a tiny waste and a really toned butt. I started to get jealous, even though she obviously weighed more than me and wore a bigger 'healthy person' jeans size, but I felt inferior because she had such a nice figure. A nice figure that I don't want to have because it would look stupid on me and I wouldn't wear a 0 in juniors if I let myself get that healthy. My boyfriend was just staring at some news article on his phone totally oblivious to everything around him as usual.

So then I was in my anxious mode, looking at everyone around me, trying to just remember that none of them were anywhere close to double digits on the scale and I had nothing to worry or be jealous about. Then I began to worry because the soap wasn't foaming in the washer and I couldn't understand why and thought that the clothes are probably not going to be clean. And a bunch of other stuff I can't even remember worrying about now because it's just normal at this point.

When we were finally done washing all the stupid clothes and taking them out of the dryer, me and the boyfriend began to fold them all up and put them back in the laundry baskets. My boyfriend's dad was watching us, which was kind of awkward because we were folding underwear and stuff and I felt weird handling my boyfriend's boxers while his dad watches us. Finally when I was folding up some sweats from Arie, his dad goes 'did those shrink???' And I was just like 'uhh no,' and slightly laughed. And my boyfriend said 'she's just a small person.' And his dad's just like, 'oh! They look small, I thought they shrunk.' And we thought it was funny because his dad is always saying random stuff out of nowhere. I can kind of understand why he thought that though, because they were those kind of short sweats that go just below your knee.

Anyway, moments like that are what actually make me feel good about myself. Only for a moment before the mood is gone again. Those are the kinds of unintentional complements I'm still alive for. As long as people still say things like that to me, it fuels my self image enough to keep living.
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May 6, 2012